Jim Gaffigan: Obsessed

Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan.

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!

Oh, that is so insincere.

All I did was walk from over there

and act like I'm not out of breath.

What is that, like five feet?

It is good to be here in Boston. Thank you for coming out.

Excited to be here.

I don't know if you can tell by my beard, but I'm fat.

I don't know what happened.

All I did was eat constantly, and then, boom.

I'm fat.

It seems unfair.

I can't stop eating.

I can't. I haven't been hungry in, like, 12 years.

I'm like, "Oh, I'm so full. I guess I'll have some cheese.

I don't even like this cheese. Guess I'll finish it.

Maybe this will make me hungry."

Do you ever tell yourself that? Maybe this will make me hungry.

It's either that or feel my feelings.

You know what, you're only eating your feelings.

Yeah, but they're delicious. I can't stop eat--

You ever look at medication that says,

"Don't take on an empty stomach"?

Never a concern of mine.

Doesn't apply to me.

You're not supposed to go swimming till--

technically I should never go swimming.

Like, if you saw me in a pool, you'd be like, "Arrest that man!

And tell him not to wear a Speedo."

I don't need that image.

I used to be thin, when I was six.

I've put on some weight, but luckily, this is intentional.

I don't want to brag or anything,

but I'm preparing for kind of a big role.

It's a cinnamon roll.

I don't want to look like I can't finish it.

You know what I mean?

Once after a show, a woman came up to me,

and she was like, "You're not that fat,"

like it was a compliment.

I was like, "Well, thank you. You're not that polite."

But I am fat.

You know, some people should be fat, you know.

We all have that friend who's lost tons of weight.

And when you see them, you think,

"You looked better fat.

You're thin, but you look exhausted.

Go back to being fat.

Looking at you makes me want to sit down."

"Nothing tastes as good as thin."

I can think of a thousand things.

Even unsalted French fries taste better than thin.

You ever eat fries without salt on them?

You're like, "Huh, these could use some salt,

but that would mean I'd have to get up and move.

I'll just imagine there's salt on them."

Feels like a sacrifice.

You're like, "What am I? A pioneer here?

"Sucking it up. I should be on that show Survivor.

Once I had fries without salt on them,

so I could probably live anywhere, really."

I just wish I wanted to eat something healthy.

Recently, I saw an apple, and for a moment--

just--just a moment-- I didn't recognize it.

I was like, "What is that? Oh, that's an apple!

It's so weird to not see it in a pie."

But fruit. No one really wants fruit.

It's too much work with fruit, right?

You've got to wash it.

You've got to peel off that sticker Al-Qaeda put on there.

There's work, like an orange...

Has peeling an orange ever really been worth it?

There's not even chocolate in this.

And some weirdos that use

the gathering of fruit as an activity.

"Why don't we go apple picking?"

"'Cause I'd rather die."

You have to pay to pick apples.

OK, how much do I owe you to work for you for free?

Don't rip me off. I'm no dummy.

Yet we still act excited when we see fruit.

We're like, "Yay, fruit!"

At least it's not vegetables.

'Cause no one wants vegetables.

When you're at a party and they have a vegetable tray, aren't you surprised?

You're like, "Wow. That's a waste of money.

Hell, I'd rather eat a candle."

Oh, suddenly I'm the only one here that's eaten a candle.

OK, everybody.

No one wants a vegetable tray.

Everyone knows "crudite" is French

for "throw away in a couple hours."

I feel sorry for those vegetables on the tray.

They're like, "What am I doing here?

I can't compete with pigs in a blanket.

I'm a cauliflower, for God's sakes.

Like that ranch dressing's gonna help?"

Ranch dressing.

Some of us have to settle down with the ranch dressing.

The usage is ridiculous.

"I love ranch dressing.

I like to dip my pizza in ranch dressing."

That's fine. You're just not allowed to vote anymore.

'Cause ranch dress-- You know how they make ranch dressing?

Buttermilk and sadness.

That's the only ingredients.

Interesting fact. Before they came up with ranch dressing,

no one had eaten a raw vegetable ever.

But we know we don't want vegetables.

But we haven't wanted fruit for hundreds of years.

That's why there's so many paintings in museums of just bowls of fruit.

'Cause you could start painting a bowl of fruit.

You could leave for a couple days, come back.

No one would have touched the bowl of fruit.

But if you're painting a donut,

you better finish it on the first sitting.

You can't even take a bathroom break.

"Hey! What happened to my donut?"

Your friends say, "I don't know. Some fat guy came in here.

Anyway, I gotta get some milk and take a nap."

That's why there's no donut art.

It's sad, really.

When's the last time you saw a painting of a donut?

The police, they love donuts, right?

Hey, cop. Why don't you get a donut? Cops love donuts.

Which is an interesting stereotype,

because you know who else loves donuts? Absolutely everyone.

Of course cops love donuts,

'cause they know the difference between right and wrong.

And not liking donuts is wrong!

Have you ever met someone that doesn't like a donut?

You want to know why? Because they're in jail.

When you're in a donut shop and you see a police officer,

don't you feel like something special's happened?

An angel just got its wings.

It's special.

I had a donut before I came onstage.

I was with a friend last week.

I was like, "You want to get a donut?" He was like, "I'm not hungry."

I'm like, "What does that have to do with it?"

As if there's ever been a good reason to eat a donut.

Well, doctor says I need more powdered sugar in my diet.

Donuts are bad for you,

and according to my health nut wife,

they're "not appropriate for a trail mix," you know.

I'm just on a different trail, right?

Mine leads to the emergency room.

That joke will be even funnier when I die from cardiac arrest.

"That's why I didn't laugh."

Donuts are all about taste.

In Los Angeles, there's a place called Yum Yum Donuts.

It's like, what? Do you need the IQ of one to find that appealing?

Yum Yum?

Me like yum yum.

It's like, who's the target audience, cavemen?

I know two thing.

Yellow fireball rise in sky and Yum Yum Donuts.

Yum Yum Donuts, yum yum.

Now there's gourmet donuts

that are deep-fried in gold.

I had a gourmet donut. I didn't realize it was a gourmet donut.

I just pointed at a donut, and the donut guy started ringing it up.

He was like, "That'll be $3.99."

I was like, "I only want one of them."

He was like, "That is the price of one of them."

Then there was this long, awkward pause

where I waited for him to lean forward and go, "Just kidding."

But he didn't.

He just looked at me like, "Got you, tubby,"

because he knew I'd pay

because I was in a donut shop.

It's not like I was there to buy a yoga mat.

Boston, this is like donut ground zero, right?

Dunkies, Dunkies!

I don't know, I always eat the local specialty

because I'm a pig.

I did this big tour of the southern states,

and I'll tell you something.

People in the South are nicer. They are.

Even when they're rude, they're nice in the South.

They're like, "Y'all can go to hell."

You're like, "Well, thank you. You too."

People in the South are nicer, but they're slower, right?

And I don't mean intelligence-wise.

They just move slower.

It's like, "Hey, your house is on fire."

"All right.

I'll get to that.

But first, I need to drink me some sweet tea.

Then I'll deal with that pesky house of mine."

And I figured it out.

It's the biscuits and gravy.

Everyone in the South moves like they've just had two helpings.

They're like, "I shouldn't have had that second helping of..."

This is a nine-year-old I'm pretending to be.

"Of biscuits and gra--"

In the South, they're eating