Red Dwarf

Remember Argyle Somerfield, the old movie star?

83, according to this. He's just had a baby with his nurse.

"It was love at first sight," she cooed. "I've always liked older men."

If she ever met Tutankhamen, he wouldn't stand a chance.

She'd have his bandages off before he could say "Silicone implants"!

There's a picture of 'em with their newborn.

There's Argyle, and there's the baby.

No, THERE'S Argyle and THERE'S the baby.

I was thrown by the bib and the bonnet.

I thought it was the baby at first.

An 83-year-old dad?!

How's that gonna work?

I bet he won't get up in the night to give the baby its feed.

He'll probably pretend to be dead.

"Darling, can you feed the baby tonight?"

It's not gonna work, is it?

The only advantage, as far as I can see,

is the wife can change both their nappies at the same time!

Are you still not talking to me? It's unbelievably childish, you know.

I've a good mind to fill your shoes with runny porridge again.

That'd teach you a lesson about maturity.

All right. I bet I can make you say something in the next minute.

20 big ones.

Shake on it.

All right. If I'm on, say nothing.

I'm on!

OK.

I'm going to say something and you're going to totally lose it. Are you ready? Ready?

All right. Several years ago, when money was not abundant, and I medically needed a pint...

I took some money from your purse.

God, it was horrible going in there.

The wallet that time forgot!

Not that there was any point. They wouldn't serve me.

Said doubloons weren't legal tender any more.

You should have handed them in after the Spanish Armada!

I thought I'd get you going. You hate digs about your stinginess.

It usually makes you so agitated that you make a cup of tea with a brand-new tea bag!

Well, still... Plenty of time to go.

Remember Yvonne McGruder?

You really liked her, didn't you?

I used to go out with her - before you did. You didn't know that, did you?

Broke up in the end. Really hurt me. Still got the scars today.

They never heal, carpet burns, do they?

Both cheeks, man!

She nearly wore them down to the bone!

Will you shut up?!

What did I tell ya?

20 big ones.

I've listened to you wittling on for what seems like two ice ages.

My mind is so numb and drained,

I feel like I've attended a three-day seminar on the future of plumbing.

Do you know how irritating you are?

You're a master. There are things you could teach to tropical skin diseases.

- Talk to me, then. - No!

I'm sorry! How many times do you want me to say it?

- I am sorry! - No, you're not.

- It was an accident. - You poured a whole tube of it over me,

you disgusting, rotting, fetid piece of congealed monkey vomit!

At last you're talking to me. I knew we'd make it up.

83!

It seems even bigger than I remember.

Er... guys, we got a problem!

- Guys, look at me body. - There's an invitation

that will not cause a stampede!

- It's back to normal. - No time for that now.

We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf, and Starbug appears to be expanding!

It's Red Dwarf that's shrinking.

It's to do with the nanobot molecular process, like my body.

We're being sucked into a vent. I can't fight it.

- (KRIS) Air-vent walls closing in. - We must be bold, positive, decisive.

- Suggest we move from blue alert to red alert. - Forget red.

Let's go all the way up to brown alert!

There's no such thing as brown alert.

You won't be saying that in a minute!

And don't say I didn't alert you.

All right, dudes. Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your nose,

- or is this a bad time? - We're about to get crushed to death!

So that's a no, then?

Once the nanos rebuilt the ship,

- I thought things would get back to normal. - We haven't a clue what's happening.

Things ARE back to normal.

You don't even fancy a quick one?

Science-fiction film, name of the ship, one word.

The Nostrilomo.

Spent a week thinking that one up.

Good, innit?

- Computing time to impact. Calculations here. - How long have we got?

- About the time it takes to read a Stop sign. - That's OK.

I don't always get through those in one sitting.

- What are our chances? - About the same odds

as discovering Mr. Lister saddle-stitching the hem of linen maternity slacks.

It's been a while since I did that. Can't you get this crate to go faster?

- We'll get crushed by a gigantic trouser press! - Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free.

- I always prayed I'd go out like that. - There may be a way through this.

Go past Epsilon 14, right at the hydro unit.

- Saves two minutes. - Well, sir?

I don't understand a woman who's hurtling towards 30 and still has a teddy called Boo-Boo.

- But as a navigator, there's none finer! - What's your view, Hol?

Straight up your nose when you lean in like that.

Epsilon 14.

There's some kind of heartbeat up ahead.

- It's beating at an incredible rate. - There's a heart out there with no body?

No wonder it's beating so fast!

Hope we don't get stopped by the cops.

They don't like it when you're rat-arsed.

We've lost all engines.

Didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly?

Now we've lost the midsection and the kitchen.

I'm sorry, everyone, but we may have to have sandwiches for lunch.

Oh...

- Dave? - Selby...

Chen... Is it really you?

Is it really us? Hang on. I'll check.

- Think it's us. - Guys, this is brilliant.

- I can't believe it! - You know these people, sir?

Know them? When they've been drunk and unconscious,

I've undressed them and painted parts of them green.

This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!

- How? - The nanos resurrected them with the ship.

This is Chen. He works in the kitchen. He's always drunk.

And this is Selby, and he's always drunk, too. Where's Petersen?

He couldn't make it.

He's drunk!

The crew are all alive. Great news. Wonderful, marvellous, incredible news.

All that extra ironing - bliss!

Mr. Thornton, read them their rights.

David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing a Starbug,

having no pilot's licence, and smuggling two stowaways onboard with Officer Kochanski.

Anything you say or do not say now may be used by the board of inquiry against you.

Do you require any form of aid?

Yeah, lemonade and a really large Scotch.

Left, right, left, right...

- Relax. You'll burst a blood vessel. - Shut up! Do you understand?!

- Do you understand?! - Yes.

Yes, what?

- Yes, Mr. Shouty. - Yes, sir! Left, right, left, right...

...left, right. Halt!

Left arm.

At ease.

All right, dude?

They don't know about you yet. It might be an idea to keep it that way. I need some info.

If the board finds us guilty, what happens then?

They'll probably have a pot of tea, a bit of a chat and go home, I suppose.

What happens to us, you divvy, not them!

If you lose, you'll get two years in the brig.

- What brig? - The brig on floor 13.

- There isn't a floor 13. - It was classified.

A need-to-know-only basis.

- So who knew? - All the officers,

and anyone who's ever seen "The Twilight Zone".

What's it like, this brig?

If I was an estate agent, I'd describe it as an old-style penal establishment,

abundant wildlife, 200 bedrooms

all with en suite buckets.

Smegging 'ell!

They call it the Tank.

There was an inmate population of 400 all being transported to Adelphi 12.

- Presumably they've all been resurrected, too. - What are they like? No, don't tell me.

They're all deranged, hairy no-lobes, breath like old nappies, arms like toilet walls, aren't they?

Well, the nice ones are, yeah.

Hang on. I've got one of them on file somewhere. Here we go.

I'm Nigel.

I'm nice.

See what I mean? They're not all headbangers.

Nige is lovely. Though he does tend to get a bit narky

if you go too close to him with a magnet.

Thanks, Hol. You're really cheering me up (!)

The brig!

Two years!

Two years without curry and lager!

Two years without sex!

You hope.

- Rimmer! - They're gonna throw the book at you, Listy,

then the bookcase and library, brick by brick.

God, it's you like you used to be.

What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug. You're a technician. A zero. A nobody.

This is gonna sound nuts,

but the whole crew died, including you, and you were resurrected by these microscopic robots.

I died? All the crew died? And you're gonna spend the next two years in the brig

with a load of Neanderthals with badly spelt tattoos?

So where are we? Is this my heaven?

Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out. I survived 'cause I was in stasis.

Then these nanos arrived, rebuilt the ship and resurrected the crew.

- So where are they? - Dunno. Gone. Scarpered.

- Maybe I should take the Fifth. - I'd take the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth, too.

I've got to find these nanos to corroborate our story, otherwise who will believe our defence?

Meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society. I need your help, man.

- Me? - Who else will help? I'm confined to quarters.

The minute I go through that door, I get enough watches up me jacksie to light up Bootle.

Considering what the future has in store for your jacksie,