Dazed and Confused

I've got your final tests here.

Everybody did pretty well. Uh, I'm gonna call your--

- I'm headed this way. - Oh.

- Later. - So, what did we decide?

- About what? - About tonight.

Oh, uh, look, I'll probably get, you know, hung up with the guys maybe, you know, later.

- Why don't we just meet at the party? - All right.

- Wouldn't want you waitin' around for me all night anyway. - All right. Whatever.

- Cool. I'll see ya later? - Bye.

Bye.

- Slater-san. - Hey, man.

- How's it goin'? - Fixin' to be a lot better, man.

- What time is your party tonight, man? - 9:30, man.

9:30. Hmm.

Okay. Um, I'll be there, man.

Slater, alligator.

Wait, wait. I gotta cruise by this afternoon...

on a little business, if you know what I'm talkin' about, so--

- That's what you're talkin' about. - That's what I'm talkin' about, man.

Oh, man, I'm fuckin' wasted.

Walkin' down the hall by myself.

Smokin' a "J" with 50 elves.

- Later. - Woodward. Bernstein.

Guess that makes you Deep Throat.

- So, is this a smoked or a liquid lunch? - Hey.

Smoked, right?

- So, guys, are we gonna play poker tonight? - Count me out.

- Sure. - Uh, I'll probably be going to Pickford's party later, okay? So--

- No. We should do somethin' like that. - Yeah.

- Goodwin's on his senior trip. We can play poker anytime. - Go to a party?

- "Go to a p--"? Come on. - Come on.

- Mike. Cynthia. - It's under control.

- I don't feel comfortable at those kinds of things. - Pick us up at 8:00.

- Okay. All right. - It's gonna be all right.

- Guess we're going to the party. Okay. - All right.

Oh, Mike. I gotta tell you about this dream I had last night.

- Oh, yeah? Why's that? - But, um...

- you gotta promise not to tell anyone. - Yeah, sure.

- No. Say, "I promise." - Jesus.

- I promise not to tell anyone. - Okay, thank you.

Um, well--

Okay, there I am, and I'm gettin' it on--

you know, with what had this perfect female body.

Uh-huh.

But--

- What? What? What? - Um, I can't say.

Come on, man. You can't give a buildup like that and not deliver.

I mean, come on. A perfect female body. It's not a bad start.

But the head of Abraham Lincoln.

- Ah. - I mean, the hat and the beard.

Oh, well. Best not think too deeply on this one, right?

- Best not. - Um, I gotta get some stuff from Mr. Birchfield.

- Uh, see you in a few minutes. - I understand. Right. I'm sorry.

Gilligan's transistor radio mouth. Yeah. That was a good one.

Hey. What about that one where that sexy surfer guy catches that huge wave and lands on the island?

- Oh, yeah! - Do you remember that? - "Sexy surfer guy."

- The Mosquitoes. Do you remember that? - Pink, let's go.

- Come on. - They were a rock group. Ginger and Mary Ann formed their own group--

Look, man. I can't go yet until Miss Wilk gets here.

- So why don't you go get Benny and check me out on the way back, okay? - All right.

- What? - Coach gave me something to give to you.

- They're really doing this. - Yeah.

He wants them all back by the end of the day too. Can you believe that one?

- And everybody's signing it? - Just to get him off our back.

The coaches are just being fucking assholes. Know what I'm saying?

I mean, you sign it, you never think about it again.Just let it go.

You're gonna make a big deal out of this, aren't you?

You-- You're gettin' air from there, man. It's no good. You see this?

It's gotta be tight.

You're gonna have to put some gum around the base of that to get a good hit.

Slate.

Benny. Psst.

- Man, I ain't believin' that shit-- - Two minutes.

about Bonham's one-hour drum solo.

One hour of drums? You couldn't handle that shit on strong acid, man.

Okay.

Okay. We're gonna go to the bathroom.

Could you guys let Miss Wilks know?

All right. This is totally amazing.

"I voluntarily agree to not indulge in any alcohol, drugs...

"or engage in any other illegal activity...

"that may in any way jeopardize the years of hard work...

we as a team have committed to our goal of a championship season in '76."

- What bullshit. - The guys are actually signing this crap?

- Apparently. - God, what are they gonna do next?

- Like, give you guys urine tests or something? - I didn't know that drugs and alcohol...

were such a big problem that they had to resort to neo-McCarthyism.

I think they're just afraid some of us might be having too good a time.

It's the old age suppressing youth thing, you know.

- "Neo-McCarthyism." I like that. - Oh, that's good, Tony.

And there you guys were in class trying to list all the Gilligan's Island episodes...

without even a hint of irony.

What in the hell are you talking about, girl?

- You weren't thinking about it, were you? - Gilligan's Island?

It's what's called a male pornographic fantasy.

- Oh, my-- - Think about it.

You're basically alone on a deserted island with two readily available women.

One, a seductive sex goddess type.

The other, a healthy girl-next-door type with a nice butt.

So guys have it all. The Madonna and the whore.

Women get nothing.

We get a geek, an overweight middle-age guy...

some nerdy scientific type.

- I mean-- - The professor is sexy.

Pink, come on, man.

We're off to raise some hell. Look at that. Look at that!

- Guys. - Look at--

- All right. Let's go kick some ass. - Hey, you guys.

- You guys, wait up. - What?

- Benny. - What?

- I have a favor to ask ya. - What do you need?

Take it easy on my brother this summer, okay?

- All of you. - Mitch Kramer?

- Yeah. Mitch Kramer. - Yeah.

- I'm gonna give him a beating he'll never forget. - Ow!

Well, just don't get him more than the other guys. Any of you.

- Kind of little. All right? - Got our word, sis.

- Little brother'll be okay. - Thanks. See you guys.

Ow!

Benny!

- These guys. I don't know. - Oh, you love it.

Oh, there's just a little bit of bullshit in all that, right?

Major bullshit. He's a dead man. He's fuckin' dead.

- Shotgun! - Shotgun!

Check it out, boys, huh? I've been waitin' three long years for this one.

Oh, yeah. - Those junior high kids are dead meat. I promise you.

- Beat 'em! - Oh, man. Oh, yeah.

Okay, all you freshman fucks. Listen up.

It's your lucky day. Usually you'd be spending your freshman summer getting your asses busted...

and running for your worthless little lives...

but this year, because we feel so sorry for you...

we're gonna take it easy on you...

and save us all a lot of time.

So, if you meet here-- right here--

after school today...

you only get one lick from each of us.

But you run like cowards--

well, it's open season all summer long, boys.

Oh, yeah. Mitch Kramer?

Mitchy. Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy.

We're looking for you, pal.

Your ass will be purple before the day is over.

Have a nice afternoon.

You better get out of town.

Go spend the summer with your grandparents or somethin'.

Hey, man. You are gonna show up to our game tonight, aren't you?

Yeah. I'm pitching. I kind of have to.

How should we inscribe your tombstone?

How about "Ben Over"?

Yeah, right, pissant. Why aren't they after anybody else?

They are, man. Believe me.

I know, man.

- Come on, Mel. Hop on. - Let's go, boy.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Coach.

So, tell me.

Any of you girls gonna be ready to play some football this fall?

- Oh, yeah. - I don't know, Coach.

You know, uh, I been doing so good in English classes, you know...

I figured I'd take next fall off and become a writer.

What do you think about that, huh?

Boy, you wouldn't know how to write your name if it wasn't stenciled on your locker.

No, seriously. Everybody. Now, don't go getting soft on me this summer.

You know, you're sitting around the pool all day, chasing the muff around.

Break down!

Hell, man. My grandmother's quicker and tougher than you pansies.

Of course, she's 6'3", 250.

Runs a 4.540.

What's the matter with you, Floyd?

What, quarterbacks don't have to do what their coaches say? Is that it?

- Dawson, did you give him that pledge sheet? - Huh?

- The pledge sheet. You give it to him? - Yeah, Coach. It's right here.

Randy, if you could get that back to us by the end of the day, we'd feel a lot better about it.

- You guys see that he does this, okay? - All right, Coach.

See ya, Coach.

- Randy Floyd. - Aw, shit.

Before next fall, you're in need of a serious attitude adjustment, young man.

You better get your priorities straight.

And watch out with that other crowd you're runnin' with. Don't think I haven't noticed.

- Hey! - Uh-oh, Pink.

I want that piece of paper on my desk before you leave here today. Do you hear me?

Get an attitude adjustment. You know what I mean?

- Priorities straight, buddy. - Runs with a bad crowd.

- Bad people. - Watch yourself.

Yeah, well, I've got Coach's and everybody else's attitude-adjusted priorities...

right here.

- Yeah, that's good, Pink. - Yeah.

Oh! Did you know O'Bannion flunked?

Yeah. What a dumb-shit.

Whoo! Y'all ready to bust some ass?

- What's up, Don? Benny. Melvin. - Hey.

- See ya later. - Good to see ya.

Yeah.

Hey. We gotta take your truck. I'm low on gas. All right?

- We need to take my truck? - Yeah. Okay?

- Yeah. - Good.

- What are you doing? Picking up trash? - What? What?

Man, I was just waiting for one of them idiot coaches to piss me off again.

I think you take the whole thing a little too personal.

I think you just gotta-- You gotta shake it off.