The Goldbergs

Show me "wax on, wax off."

Man, I love the '80s.

It was the age of E.T., Mr. T., and MTV.

Back then, the world was still small. No cell phones or Internet or Twitter.

Your friends lived on your street,

and your family were the people at your dinner table.

If you're assuming these smiley, affectionate people are my family, they're not.

We showed our affection in a different way.

- Yeah, does this hurt? - No, it doesn't hurt.

- Erica, not at the table. - It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.

Now this is how I remember the '80s.

There were no parenting blogs or peanut allergies.

Just a whole lot of crazy.

Oh, look at that little geek, right? Yeah, that's me, Adam Goldberg.

We were the first on our block to get a video camera,

and I used it to record my entire childhood.

I'm home!

The man parking his pants at the front door, that's my dad, Murray Goldberg.

TV's mine!

Ever since his last heart attack, he became determined to exercise, eat better,

and not yell so much. It wasn't working.

Stop with the camera!

My super friendly sister Erica.

She loved to talk to people, just not us.

Adam, what the hell? I'm gonna crimp your face!

Mom!

Barry Goldberg, textbook middle child and classic overreactor.

You're a liar, Simon!

You are a liar!

Stop videotaping!

And finally, my overbearing smother, Beverly Goldberg,

a homemaker, a ball breaker,

who found the time to stay fit, raise the kids, and drive us all insane.

Yeah, we were the family that yelled and cursed,

but to this day, we still love each other.

This is my family.

It was September 3rd.

It began as a typical morning in the Goldberg house.

You don't know anything. He's not too old for me.

He's in college, Erica!

Wrong! He dropped out to start a band.

Don't you feel stupid now?

Mom, they don't zip! Can you help me with this?

Look at you!

Why go shopping when your sister's jeans fit you so perfectly?

Fit me perfectly? They're horrible!

They're roomy in the hips and tight in the front.

I look like Brooke Shields.

And she's beautiful.

Look, you need to be grateful, because one day I won't be here to help dress you.

You keep saying that, but when? God.

As always, my mom began the day by dressing us,

feeding us, and ignoring any sense of human boundaries.

Where's my baby?

Happy birthday!

- What do you want for breakfast? - Privacy!

Oh, please.

Don't forget to wash your bottom.

Barry was in a rare good mood.

He was turning 16, a day he'd been waiting for his whole life.

It's jingling.

It's keys! Keys means car! Car means freedom from all you monsters!

I love you, Mom.

- What the hell is this? - It's a locket.

It's got my picture inside so you can always have your mother near your heart.

Sweetie, you're just not ready to drive.

You're too immature, and quite honestly, a little high strung.

I am not high strung!

I'm strung just fine, like a tennis racket or a banjo. I...

You know, I think it's great, 'cause all the cool guys in my grade,

they have mom lockets.

- Hey! - All of them.

Don't poke the bear, all right?

You don't wanna wear it? Fine.

I'll throw it in the trash.

- Go ahead. Do it. - Here I go.

- Going to the trash. - Do it. Go ahead.

Gonna go in the garbage.

Unbelievable!

You were gonna let me throw this in the trash?

Totally irresponsible. You're not driving.

Oh, God. Dad, please talk some sense into your wife.

She's saying some pretty controversial things over there.

I agree with whatever nonsense your mother just said.

Come on. This is not fair!

Who the hell told you life was fair, you moron?

Dad's colorful way of speaking may seem a bit harsh.

It really wasn't. You just had to learn how to speak "Murray."

It's 2:00 a.m. I thought you were dead!

I could kill you!

You broke it? It's amazing. You little bastards ruin everything.

For someone so smart, you sure act like an idiot.

All right, stop your pouting.

I got you something, and I think you're gonna like it.

REO Speedwagon? This is top 40!

You don't know me at all! I'm into rap, the poetry of the streets!

- Come on! - No, no, no.

I talked to the guy at Sam Goody. He said it was a hip track.

Well, did you talk to Sam Goody himself? Huh?

Did you? No. You talked to a random jagoff who knows nothing about real music.

You weren't there, okay? The guy had an earring.

He had a jean jacket covered in buttons! Covered!

Don't get your father all worked up.

- I'm already all worked up. - Honey.

- Breathe. - Calm down. Breathe, breathe. I'm breathing.

- I'm breathing, okay? - You're killing your father.

I hope you're having a happy birthday.

- Remember what Dr. Hong said. - I know what Hong said!

Barry had one last visitor, my grandfather, Pops.

He was 80 years of pure awesome.

I hear someone turned 16 and could use a new car.

Holy crap! For me?

I don't love you that much.

This baby's mine. You get my old one.

- Yes! - No! I didn't get a car when I turned 16.

What do you need a car for?

With your looks, you can get a ride from any boy in town.

Here you go.

It was the moment Barry had waited for his whole life.

Those keys meant freedom, and no man could stop him.

But my mom could.

Not gonna happen, Dad. We've decided Barry can't drive.

- What? - So Barry has a car and no license,

and I have a license and no car.

That makes no sense.

You know what else makes no sense?

Those peach wine coolers I found hiding in your closet.

Yeah. I'm everywhere.

This is the worst birthday ever!

The only one who understands me is Flavor Flav.

Who runs like that?

And what, we having a drag race? What's with the bird car?

Oh, my father thinks he's Burt Reynolds.

The sexiest man alive? Yes, I do.

Hey, kiddo, pick you up after school?

We're going to the Y to do some water aerobics.

It's good for his circulation.

Swimming was just our cover.

Pops really took me to the House of Waffles to teach me the finer things in life.

And you can't just go in and honk them.

It's all about the cuppage. Be gentle. Those puppies are sensitive.

I just wanna bury my face in them.

We all do, but you gotta earn it.

Speaking of, where are we on Operation Waffle Girl?

Her name was Zoe Macintosh.

She was the complete package.

Beautiful, older, and her dad was our family podiatrist.

Okay.

Last week, we told her your name. Let's see if it stuck.

Miss? Could you top me off?

No, no, Pops, too ballsy. Pops, stop. No, no, we can't do this. I'm not ready!

'Sup, girl?

The check, please.

You got it, Alan.

Did you hear that? She just called me "Alan"!

That's not your name.

I'll change it. I'm Alan now. Pops, you're a genius.

Thank you, Jedi Master.

You're not making this easy, kid.

Sorry.

You're like my own personal Obi-Wan Kenobi,

but instead of the force, you're teaching me how to get freaky.

Who's Oboe Cannoli?

Is that Barry?

Barry, what are you doing?

Eating day-old doughnuts.

My friend Terrance, he's the manager.

He leaves them out back for me.

Why?

It's called eating your feelings, assbag!

Mom's gonna walk me to the bus till I'm 40, all right?

Put down the garbage cruller.

I'm gonna figure out a way to get you that license and my car.

- Come on. - Really?

As we cruised in Pops' new ride, we felt like kings.

It didn't matter that my mom said Barry couldn't drive.

Our grandfather would fix that.

He was always cooking up a plan in that brilliant mind of his.

All right, Pops, you said you had a plan. What are you thinking?

Pops, you okay?

Okay, his mind wasn't what it used to be, but his appetite still was.

So, who wants nuggets?

Pops was booked with reckless endangerment,

and we were all thrown behind bars.

That is until our mom arrived.

Are you proud of yourself? Locking up an old man and two little boys?

God help the poor soul who tried to push us around.

That was her job.

Memorize this face, because it is gonna haunt your dreams, sir.

It is gonna haunt your... dreams!

Are you guys okay?

No, I'm not okay! Barry took a dump in front of us!

I had to go!

It was bad.

I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault.

The next morning, mom lowered the boom and took Pops' keys.

I'm not one of your kids, Bev. You can't boss me around. I do the bossing!