Tales from the Crypt

[BIRDS SHRIEKING IN DISTANCE]

OH! HELLO THERE, FRIGHT FANS.

I'VE JUST BEEN SITTING HERE,

WAITING FOR MY BLOOD PACK TO HARDEN.

MY COSMETOLOGIST SAID I WAS STARTING

TO LOOK A LITTLE LIFELESS.

MUCH BETTER, EH?

WHICH REMINDS ME...

TONIGHT'S POISON PARABLE IS ABOUT A COUPLE

WHO TAKE THEIR APPEARANCE VERY SERIOUSLY.

NEEDLESS TO SAY,

THEY'RE GOING TO END UP TRYING TO SAVE FACE.

I CALL THIS ONE

JUDY, YOU'RE NOT YOURSELF TODAY.

JUDY, YOU'RE NOT YOURSELF TODAY.

Man, British accent: DIE, CRETIN.

Woman: BREAKFAST IS SERVED.

Woman: BREAKFAST IS SERVED.

DONALD, MY DARLING,

WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU TALKING TO?

WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU TALKING TO?

UH, NO ONE, DEAR. IT'S NO ONE AT ALL.

OH, DONALD.

SOMETIMES, I SWEAR, YOU'RE SUCH AN ODD DUCK.

PERHAPS. PERHAPS I AM.

WILL YOU TELL ME THAT YOU STILL LOVE ME, DARLING?

WILL YOU TELL ME THAT YOU STILL LOVE ME, DARLING?

WHO THE DEVIL CAN THAT BE AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR?

"WHO" IS RIGHT.

"WHO" IS RIGHT.

DONALD, THERE APPEARS TO BE

SOME SORT OF SOLICITOR AT THE DOOR.

ON A FUCKIN' SATURDAY MORNING?

DONALD, PLEASE!

DONALD, PLEASE!

IS ALL THIS REALLY NECESSARY?

LE BREAKFAST EST SERVI!

LE BREAKFAST EST SERVI!

DONALD?

BIG GUN.

DONALD!

DONALD!

WHAT?

GOOD MORNING, SIR. I'M FROM THE GUN ELIMINATION

LEGISLATION ACTIVISTS

FOR TOTAL INTERNATIONAL NEUTRALITY.

YOU WANT TO RUN THAT MOUTHFUL BY ME

ONE MORE TIME, PAL?

ONE MORE TIME, PAL?

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

NO. JUST THE NAME.

NO. JUST THE NAME.

GUN ELIMINATION LEGISLATION

ACTIVISTS FOR TOTAL INTERNATIONAL NEUTRALITY.

G.E.L.A.T.I.N.

YOU'RE FROM SOMETHING CALLED G.E.L.A.T.I.N.?

UH, PLEASE FORGIVE MY HUSBAND.

HONEY, THIS IS THE MAN FROM G.E.L.A.T.I.N.

HI.

ACTUALLY, THERE'S AN "F" IN THERE SOMEPLACE.

OR MAYBE THERE'S-- THERE'S NOT.

SOMETIMES HE JUST GETS CARRIED AWAY!

CARRIED AWAY? YOU KNOW,

THIS IS WHY I GO DOOR TO DOOR.

QUIT YOUR BLUBBERING, YOU BIG BABY!

IT WASN'T EVEN LOADED. SEE?

AAH! DAMN IT, DONALD!

YOU COULD HAVE SHOT HER.

OH, WAKE UP, PAL!

A MAN HAS GOT A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

TO HUNT WITH THE WEAPON OF HIS CHOICE.

THAT'S ENOUGH!

I AM SURE THAT THIS FINE YOUNG MAN

HAS HEARD ABSOLUTELY ALL THE NRA RHETORIC

HE WISHES TO HEAR TODAY.

THAT'S RIGHT, LADY. I'VE HEARD IT ALL.

WELL, WHERE WERE YOU DURING VIETNAM?

I WAS 6 YEARS OLD!

YEAH, LIKELY EXCUSE.

YEAH, LIKELY EXCUSE.

THAT'S WHAT I HATE ABOUT GELATIN.

IT'S ALWAYS FULL OF NUTS AND FRUITS.

DONALD? LOOK AT ME.

YOU SEE THESE? THESE ARE WRINKLES,

AND THEY ARE CAUSED BY STRESS.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT CAUSES STRESS?

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT CAUSES STRESS?

HAVING YOUR HUSBAND POINT A GUN AT YOUR HEAD.

THAT IS WHAT CAUSES STRESS.

JUDY, YOU'RE NOT YOURSELF TODAY.

SNAP OUT OF IT.

SNAP OUT OF IT?

THAT'S YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING THESE DAYS,

SNAP OUT OF IT.

WELL, I HAVE NO TIME TO ARGUE.

I'M ALREADY LATE FOR THE GUN CLUB.

DON'T THINK ABOUT LIGHTING A CIGARETTE IN THIS HOUSE.

JUDY, WHY?

BECAUSE.

BECAUSE WHY?

BECAUSE THE SMOKE DULLS MY HAIR, THAT'S WHY.

BECAUSE THE SMOKE DULLS MY HAIR, THAT'S WHY.

"DON'T SMOKE CIGARETTES.

DON'T POINT GUNS AT MY HEAD."

YOU KNOW, MY GOD, JUDY!

YOU WERE STANDING RIGHT THERE,

AND I STILL DON'T THINK YOU GET IT.

YOU CAN'T LET THE WHOLE WORLD

INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM ANYMORE.

YOU CAN'T EVEN OPEN A FUCKIN' DOOR ANYMORE!

AND IF YOU DO, I'M TELLING YOU,

YOU'D BETTER BE READY.

THIS...

THIS, MY DEAR, IS BEING READY.

Donald.

Donald.

You are so attractive when you're angry.

You are so attractive when you're angry.

WELL...

WELL...

WELL.

I'M OFF NOW.

LOCK THE DOOR BEHIND ME. CHEERIO.

TA-TA!

OUT, OUT, DAMN SPOTS.

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

OH, NO. NOT AGAIN!

OH, NO. NOT AGAIN!

YES?

HI. I'M FROM AVATAR COSMETICS.

WE SPOKE.

Judy: WE DID?

ON THE PHONE.

ON THE PHONE.

THIS IS, UH...

THIS IS, UH...

300 CHATSWORTH?

300 CHATSWORTH?

WELL, YES, IT IS,

BUT I'M AFRAID I HAVE NEVER HEARD

OF AVATAR COSMETICS, MY GOOD WOMAN.

OF AVATAR COSMETICS, MY GOOD WOMAN.

OH.

OH.

I SEE.

I SEE.

SHOULD I HAVE?

SHOULD I HAVE?

HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THAT, UH,

PROBLEM WITH YOUR PORES?

PROBLEM WITH YOUR PORES?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.

PITY.

PITY.

WELL, I'M SORRY I DISTURBED YOU.

WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT IF I WAS INTERESTED IN PURCHASING

ONE OF YOUR PRODUCTS?

SAY, FOR MY PORES?

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. WE HAVE A VERY SELECT CLIENTELE.

WELL, I COULD PAY YOU IN CASH,

AND THEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD KNOW.

AND THEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD KNOW.

WHEN IS YOUR HUSBAND DUE BACK?

HMM?

WELL...HA HA HA!

SURELY A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN LIKE YOU

HAS A HANDSOME HUSBAND.

I DO, AS A MATTER OF FACT--DONALD.

AND HE WON'T BE HOME FOR HOURS AND HOURS.

PLENTY OF TIME FOR A LOVELY

LITTLE CHAT FOR US, NO?

LITTLE CHAT FOR US, NO?

THAT'S VERY UNUSUAL JEWELRY YOU'RE WEARING.

THAT'S VERY UNUSUAL JEWELRY YOU'RE WEARING.

IS IT BOLOGET?

IS IT BOLOGET?

NO, IT'S JUNK.

NO! I ESPECIALLY LIKE THAT SPARKLY ONE.

OH, YES.

WOMEN WITH TASTE USUALLY DO.

THANK YOU.

IT'S VERY BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S VERY BEAUTIFUL.

HERE.

HERE.

TRY IT ON.

YOU DON'T MIND?

NO. GO AHEAD.

IT DOES NOTHING FOR AN OLD BAG LIKE ME.

IT DOES NOTHING FOR AN OLD BAG LIKE ME.

YOU KNOW, AS I SAID BEFORE,

YOU REALLY ARE QUITE BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

GOT A GREAT ASS, HONEY.

GOT A GREAT ASS, HONEY.

I'LL LIKE IT EVEN BETTER WHEN IT'S MINE!

I'LL LIKE IT EVEN BETTER WHEN IT'S MINE!