Animal Control

Our shift ends in five minutes.

I think I'm gonna order Pad Thai for dinner.

Don't do it, you'll jinx us.

You order food, we'll get another call.

You're young and proud and think that you can thwart fate, right?

But you can't.

Nah, I'm too hungry.

Complete my order with spring rolls?

I'd be a fool not to.

Just wait. We're a mile away from the precinct.

Send.

And the world didn't end.

Truck 12 please respond.

A neighbor reported an unattended barking dog.

12 Grove Place.

Ok, I'm really sorry--

Ah-ah-ah-ah let's just enjoy this beautiful, horrible moment

of me being right.

Hey, guys. Come on in.

It's a little late for a children's party.

Oh, it is not that. This is something else.

It's a furry party.

Hey, can I help you?

Oh goodness, I certainly hope not.

Are you the pony in charge?

Yeah.

We got a dog complaint.

Hey man, I just got here.

Uh, the one not in leather.

Yeah, that's Dexter.

I had to put him outside, he was humping everyone.

Yeah, I can see how that could create a weird sexual energy.

Yeah.

Sir, please don't make me put you in a crate.

Hey guys, he's gonna put me in a crate!

Crate! Crate! Crate!

This is getting away from us.

Alright, here's what we're gonna do.

Chipmunk.

Sorry, squirrel by the window.

Can you move to another room?

We did it. We solved this problem.

This is why we get up in the morning.

You're on duty. Let's go.

Another gift from your secret admirer?

Yeah, it's my third one this month.

It's getting serious. What is all that?

There's a card and then there's a bunch of Hokey Pokey

and Jaffas and Pineapple Zobs.

Oh! And what is all that?

-Candy... from New Zealand. -Oh.

It's a really lovely basket.

I know, right? It's kind of exciting.

I mean, the gifts are generous and specific

and it hasn't tipped over into stalker territory...

That's a tough balance for a creeper.

Unless it's a prank.

No, if it was a prank that candy would be full of ketamine

and you'd fail a city drug test.

Like I don't have fresh stranger urine in my car.

Officer Dudge approaching.

Greetings from your big brothers at Precinct 2-3.

Templeton, how is it that you're always here?

All the time.

Do you know where your precinct is?

You didn't tell them?

I'm just gonna rip the Band-Aid off.

Templeton needs someone to ride with him today.

No!

Oh no.

No, no, no, no.

Hey, a little compassion.

Half my precinct is off with food poisoning, ok?

Yes, we had a little party for Doug last night.

We had a raw bar, and it went room temp on us.

Emily, how do they have a budget for a raw bar?

I don't know that. Um, so who's gonna do it?

Who's gonna ride with Templeton?

I can offer an extra vacation day.

How about two? Two days. Any takers?

I'll keep going--

Stop... I will be in the truck.

Ok.

Ok, somebody has to take a bullet for this precinct

so you need to figure it out.

How about a rock, paper, scissors tournament

but loser advances?

I like that.

I'm only throwing scissors. Or am I?

-You throw scissors every time. -Yeah, we know that, dude.

Every time.

Yeah, but will I again?

-We're saying you will. -You will.

Ok, I'm gonna make this simple.

I need Victoria with me here to do paperwork

so that means, Patel, you are gonna ride with Templeton.

Thank you so much.

Wait, what? No! That is so autocratic.

I appeal! I appeal!

I appeal oysters, I appeal Templeton, all of this!

I did a day with Templeton once.

Three words: Swedish death metal.

The only thing worse than his personality

is his taste in music.

Truck 12 please respond.

Report of a large tortoise at a narcotics seizure.

Seattle PD requesting assistance.

1214 Warburton Avenue.

Crap. That's my brother's precinct.

You think he'll be there?

Oh, God hates me, so yes.

Which one is it, Paddy, Sean, or Colin?

It's Patrick, nobody calls him Paddy.

Except for our priest and they don't speak

since the fist fight.

How's he doing since the divorce?

Wait, do I know about that? Should I not say anything?

You know what? Just don't talk at all.

He's always looking for ways to mock me

and your whole deal would prove quite irresistible.

Truck 12 please respond.

Truck 12 is on it and a little giddy.

I finally get to meet your family.

I can't. I just can't.

Gosh. This day's gonna be a delight.

I can't believe they stuck me with you.

Oh, so we're just saying things out loud now?

'Cause I am not wild about you, either.

I got beef.

From when they paired us at the spring picnic.

Oh, is this about the three-legged race?

That was a year ago!

Last place. It was like dragging a corpse.

You gotta take shorter strides! I kept telling you!

Hey, look at this guy.

He's walking a dog on the beach

right by the sign that says "No walking dogs on the beach."

I think he's just looking out at the ocean.

-You don't get it, do you? -Mmm-mmm.

Give these sons of bitches an inch, they take a mile.

What?

Excuse me, sir.

Did you not see the sign right there?

Oh, we got one in the sand. Let's roll!

I'm not rolling.

Sir, sir! Excuse me, sir! Sir!

-Hey, I finished my reports. -Hey.

There wasn't actually much to do.

That's 'cause it was a ruse.

I thought we could spend the day solving the mystery

of who your secret admirer is.

Oh, I love you! Ok, first a confession.

I didn't actually finish my reports.

That's fine.

Do you listen to Loose Railing, the true crime podcast?

Because I'm obsessed.

Did the railing do it?

I'm not gonna spoil it for you, but they did solve the crime

by going to the store where the killer got

the deer rendering knife.

Oh god, that sounds gruesome.

It is the best.

Anyways, I thought to myself, I wonder who sells

tasty little New Zealand treats nearby.

Auckland Goodies in Spokane.

I did a lot of research and I came up with,

yeah, the exact same thing.

Let's call.

This is what they call an “ice cold call”.

Hi. Um, we received a delightful basket of your native candies.

Oh- uh, and we were wondering

if you could tell us who bought them.

He's saying he can't tell us.

But I just want to be able to thank them. You understand.

What?

It's an unwritten condition of the sale.

Policy of the store.

I'm so sorry, I'm actually-- I'm catching very little.

He's bound by the ethics-

-Ethic-- -Ethics.

Bound by the ethics of his trade.

-Oh. -He can't help us.

Thanks heaps for your help, see ya.

Thank you.

That was a dead end.

No, 'cause dead ends are just when you turn the car around.

Loose Railing Season 3 the car chase episode.

Sorry, can you understand me when I talk?

What?

Here he is, boys. Pack it up.

I said “boys” meaning everybody. Don't get on my back, Cheryl.

How're you doing, Frank?

Not bad, yourself?

Good.

Colleen and I are sorting out the custody stuff, but uh...

you still alone?

It depends. Is Colleen looking?

Wow, Frank told me you guys play for keeps.

I'm Shred, the partner.