Tales from the Crypt

SHH. AW, THERE, THERE.

ISN'T HE JUST SO CUTE...

THAT YOU WANT TO--

WHOOPS! CRYPT KEEPER HERE, KIDDIES.

AND SPEAKING OF KIDDIES,

TONIGHT'S SICKENING SAGA SHOULD BE SUBTITLED

A TALE FROM THE CRIB.

YES, FEAR FANS,

I'VE GOT A REAL NURSERY CRIME FOR YOU THIS TIME.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE HUMBLE BEGINNINGS

OF MY FAVORITE HORROR HERO.

SO CALL THE BABYSITTER

AND BREAK OUT THE BARF BAGS

AS I NARRATE A NAUSEATING NOVELLA

WITH A VERY SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.

I AFFECTIONATELY CALL THIS ONE LOWER BERTH.

I AFFECTIONATELY CALL THIS ONE LOWER BERTH.

Man: GUESS YOUR WEIGHT!

GUESS YOUR WEIGHT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BOYS AND GIRLS,

STEP RIGHT UP AND BE PREPARED TO GASP, TO SWOON,

TO FEAST YOUR DISBELIEVING EYES

ON THE MOST ASTOUNDING ARRAY OF FREAKS AND ODDITIES

EVER GATHERED TOGETHER UNDER ONE TENT!

SEE THE PITEOUS PRODUCTS OF GOD'S TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOR.

VIEW WITH YOUR VERY EYES THE ALARMING CONSEQUENCES

OF NATURE'S MOST HEINOUS MISCALCULATIONS.

WITNESS, IF YOU DARE,

THE RESULTS OF THE MOST UNNATURAL INBREEDING.

MAN OR MONSTER? HUMAN OR HORROR?

YOU BE THE JUDGE AND JURY.

SEE FANNY THE FAT LADY,

OVER 45O POUNDS OF BOVINE BEAUTY.

PAY A VISIT TO THE LITTLES--

A FAMILY SO SMALL, THEY LIVE IN A SHOE BOX.

WITNESS THE STUPEFYING SKULL FACE,

A LIVING HUMAN SKELETON.

AND FINALLY, OUR STAR ATTRACTION,

THE AMAZING ENOCH!

A DISPLAY SO BIZARRE, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT

WITH YOUR VERY SELFSAME EYES TO BELIEVE IT.

SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS,

STEP RIGHT UP. RIGHT THIS WAY.

FOR ONE THIN DIME,

A TENTH PART OF A DOLLAR,

YOU MAY AVAIL YOURSELF OF THIS FANTASTIC EXHIBIT!

RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR!

WATCH YOUR STEP.

DON'T RUSH. THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF ROOM FOR ALL!

AND WE SHALL HAVE REPEATED SHOWINGS

UNTIL EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD

CAN AVAIL THEMSELVES

OF THIS INTERESTING AND EDUCATIONAL EXHIBIT.

STEP LIGHTLY, SIR. THAT'S THE IDEA.

FEELEY'S FANTASTIC FAIRWAY OF FREAKS.

SHOW TIME NOW BEGINNING!

Man: ENOCH!

ENOCH!

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? HUH?

YOU'RE A NAUGHTY BOY!

YOU HEAR ME? NAUGHTY!

COME ON. GET UP. COME ON! COME ON!

INTRODUCING FANNY THE FAT LADY!

COME ON.

NOW, GET IN THERE.

GO ON!

GO ON!

STAY THERE, YOU HEAR?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEET THE LITTLES.

Audience: OH!

AW!

HOW'D YOU GET OUT OF THERE?

HUH? TELL ME.

AND FINALLY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE STAR ATTRACTION

AT FEELEY'S FANTASTIC FAIRWAY OF FREAKS--

THE MOST ALARMING AND UNUSUAL ODDITY

EVER TO BE PUT ON DISPLAY ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, ANYPLACE.

Man: NOW, NO MORE!

Man: NOW, NO MORE!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BOYS AND GIRLS,

LOOK UPON ENOCH...

THE 2-FACED MAN!

Woman: I CAN'T SEE!

Audience: OH!

Audience: OH!

Feeley: HOW MANY TIMES, SICKLES?

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU

TO GET HIM IN HIS CAGE BEFORE SHOW TIME?

YES, SIR, MR. FEELEY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE GETS OUT.

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

OF THAT YOU MAY BE SURE, MR. SICKLES.

BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME IT DOES HAPPEN,

THEN I SHALL BE HAPPY TO DISCUSS WITH YOU

THE RETIREMENT OF YOUR MOST AMAZING ENOCH.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, MR. FEELEY.

WITHOUT ME AND ENOCH,

YOU'RE NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER 2-BIT SIDESHOW.

HE'S THE ONLY THING YOU GOT THAT'S DIFFERENT.

ENOCH IS SPECIAL.

ENOCH IS DYING.

DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD BRIBE THE COMPANY DOCTOR

TO KEEP IT FROM ME?

WELL, APPARENTLY YOUR FREAK

ISN'T THE ONLY ONE WITH 2 FACES, IS HE?

ISN'T THE ONLY ONE WITH 2 FACES, IS HE?

NO, SICKLES, YOUR MEAL TICKET'S GODFORSAKEN LIFE

IS WINDING TOWARD A MERCIFUL END,

SO PLEASE DON'T TELL ME HOW MUCH I NEED YOU!

WE'LL PLAY IT OUT AS LONG AS IT TAKES--

A MONTH, A WEEK,

BUT AS LONG AS YOU OWN HIM,

THEN I OWN YOU,

AND WE DO THINGS MY WAY!

UNDERSTAND, MR. SICKLES?

UNDERSTAND, MR. SICKLES?

Sickles: YOU'VE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY BOY, ENOCH.

YOU HEAR ME?

NAUGHTY BOY!

NAUGHTY!

NAUGHTY!

ENOCH'S SPECIAL.

I SEE YOU PREFER A LOWER BERTH.

WHO ARE YOU? HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE?

THE DOOR, MR. SICKLES.

CALL ME UNCONVENTIONAL.

HOW ABOUT I CALL A POLICEMAN?

OH, I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO DO THAT.

OH, NO? WHY NOT?

BECAUSE, MR. SICKLES, I'M YOUR SALVATION.

THAT'S WHY.

DR. ZACHARY KLING, AT YOUR SERVICE.

PLEASE. PLEASE.

DON'T LET ME INTERRUPT YOUR SUPPER.

DON'T LET ME INTERRUPT YOUR SUPPER.

"AT YOUR SERVICE," YOU SAY.

WHAT KIND OF SERVICE MAY THAT BE?

WELL, LET'S NOT BE COY, MR. SICKLES.

I OVERHEARD YOUR, SHALL WE SAY,

ALTERCATION WITH THE OWNER.

IT SEEMS YOUR DAYS HERE MAY BE NUMBERED.

DO CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG.

WELL, WHAT OF IT?

WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS,

I HAVE RECENTLY MADE AN ACQUISITION...

AN ACQUISITION FROM WHICH WE BOTH MIGHT BENEFIT,

IF YOU TAKE MY MEANING.

IF YOU TAKE MY MEANING.

WHAT KIND OF AN ACQUISITION?

HA HA HA!

ARE YOU A CARD PLAYER, MR. SICKLES?

NOW AND AGAIN.

MYSELF, I MUST CONFESS TO A CERTAIN,

SHALL WE SAY, ZEALOUSY FOR GAMES OF CHANCE.

Dr. Kling: I WAS PLAYING A GENTLEMEN IN ST. LOUIS RECENTLY--

AS IT HAPPENS, A GENTLEMEN OF DISTINCTION ON 2 COUNTS--

ONE, HE WAS AN ARCHEOLOGIST BY TRADE.

AND SECONDLY, HE COULDN'T PLAY POKER FOR SHIT.

AND SECONDLY, HE COULDN'T PLAY POKER FOR SHIT.

WHEN IT BECAME CLEAR THAT THIS GENTLEMEN

WAS GOING TO OWE ME QUITE A LARGE SUM OF MONEY,

NOT STRICTLY IN HIS POSSESSION,

IT BECAME EMINENTLY CLEAR THAT SOMETHING OF EQUAL WORTH

WOULD HAVE TO BE BARTERED AS COLLATERAL.

WOULD HAVE TO BE BARTERED AS COLLATERAL.

HER NAME IS MIRANA, MR. SICKLES--

THOUGH I PREFER MYRNA, DON'T YOU?

AN EGYPTIAN SLAVE GIRL, IT WAS EXPLAINED TO ME,

BURIED ALIVE AT 16

FOR REPELLING THE PHARAOH'S ADVANCES.

RATHER A HIGH PRICE FOR PLAYING HARD TO GET,

WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

NEVER ABLE TO LOVE.

NEVER ABLE TO BEAR CHILDREN.

NEVER ABLE TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE.

IT'S SAD, REALLY.

SHE'S YOURS FOR A 60-40 SPLIT.

DO WE HAVE A DEAL OR NOT?

WHAT'S THE CATCH?

I'M AFRAID I DON'T FOLLOW YOU.

THIS IS A BUSINESS OF PLAYING PEOPLE FOR SUCKERS.

DON'T PLAY ME FOR ONE.

WHAT DO YOU NEED ME FOR?

WHY DON'T YOU GO STRAIGHT TO FEELEY?

MR. SICKLES, AS I SAID, I'M A GAMBLING MAN.

I PLAY TO WIN, AND WINNERS TEND TO MAKE ENEMIES,

IF YOU TAKE MY MEANING.

IN ALL CANDOR, I NEED TO KEEP

A LOW PROFILE FOR A WHILE.

THE LESS OFFICIAL MY CONNECTION

WITH THE SIDESHOW, THE BETTER.

WITH THE SIDESHOW, THE BETTER.

WHAT ABOUT THE JEWELS?

OH, COMPLETELY WORTHLESS, MR. SICKLES.

A MERE PROP.

A MERE PROP.

LOOK.