The IT Crowd

Here we are!

Your place... your place...

La maison... de la femme...

El casa del signorita...

Das haus die Frau...

Good night!

I'll just walk you to the door.

- There's no need. - That's okay.

So...

I guess this is "arrivederci".

I'd quite fancy a cup of tea though.

A glass of water maybe.

Perhaps a little lie down.

Look...

I have to tell you something.

What?

I wanted to tell you in the restaurant but...

it... a good time never came up and I...

- I wasn't gonna say it but... - Say it.

I have to.

What?

You've got shit on your head.

What?

There's some shit on your head.

What?

Where? Where?

It's been there forever.

Oh God! Oh God!

It's chocolate!

It's chocolate!

It's not shit!

It's not shit!

It's..

It's my dessert.

I don't know how it got there but uh...

It's on my fingers.

It's not shit!

Thank God for that!

You know, I just spent the last hour

thinking you were some sort of disgusting tramp.

Oh no!

That's funny!

- Oh God look! - What?

It's chocolate!

How about that cup of tea now?

I was a perfect gentleman last night from beginning to end

but she can't see past a little bit of shit on my forehead!

I thought you said it was chocolate.

Yes, chocolate, yes! I meant chocolate.

I forgot to turn this thing on.

Hello, IT. .

Hi, uh, something's wrong with my computer.

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Oh No! No, oh Dear, thanks.

You're welcome then.

It's typical.

The one time I manage to bamboozle a girl in the building

into going out with me and this happens.

She's gonna tell everyone!

Oh come on! She's a receptionist,

she'd hardly gossip.

Besides it's a boring story.

Yeah... that's boring.

It's boring, she won't tell anyone.

Hello.

Sorry guys.

She might have told Jen.

No, that's what I'm saying.

It wasn't. It was...

It was chocolate. It was chocolate.

I don't know... I don't know... it...

it got on my fingers and then I must have...

Listen...

how did you even hear about this, mom?

Moss... Moss, there's a spider in my office.

Could you deal with it? I just hate spiders.

I'm not overly fond of them myself there, Jen.

How...

How big is... Whoa! Hey now!

I'll tell you what.

I actually recommend my good friend Roy there

as the go-to guy on anything

with more than 7 eyes.

He's on a very brief personal call right now.

Come, Moss. Don't be silly.

You're right, I'm being silly. Wrap it up, Roy!

It's just a spider. It's fine.

Oh look! It seems to have left of its own volition.

Oh, be a man, Moss!

You're right, I'll be a man. I'm a man.

Please don't shut the door.

I won't.

Goodbye, Jen.

That was my mother.

How did she hear about this?

Oh, was that the woman who phoned earlier?

'Cause I've just been telling everybody.

Why would you want to go out with Patricia anyway?

I mean, her last boyfriend was Simon from 3rd.

- Jen! - Hey, you!

Hello there.

Have you caught it yet?

Not quite, Jen.

The spider's managed to walk behind me.

And it's between me and the door.

So I can't get out.

Simon from 3rd is the one with the hair.

Oh, him! Oh, he's awful.

He once ate a copy of Loaded for a bet.

- She liked him? - Apparently.

That explains everything!

She likes the kind of big obnoxious guy who eats Loaders.

Hello, Daniel.

How are you?

I'm great, thanks. How are you?

I'm great.

Well, can either of you tell me... Okay... Okay...

who wrote Missa Brevis in D minor? Was it Mozart or Beethoven?

That was a certain Mr. Mozart, I think you'll find.

Oh right, do you know a lot about classical music?

- Petit pois. - Oh, right.

Mozart, Beethoven, 50/50 ain't it?

Actually, no, you were right. It was Mozart.

Well it's... It was...

Okay, so, let's try another one.

Okay. Here we go. In what year did Mozart die?

- Was it 1780 or 1791? - 1791.

Yes! Yes! Bang on! Good!

God! I hope he doesn't come in again!

- Jen! - Yes!

Is Roy off the phone yet? The spider is now upon my person.

You guys don't mind me chilling out in here, do you?

No. Chill out!

So did you see the match last night?

- Oh yeah! - Oh yeah!

- God! - Did we?

What a match!

All of the players running up...

the pitch...

and running down it again. Such athleticism!

What was Rooney thinking over there?

Who knows! That's Rooney!

He is a foolish boy!

Yeah but... that referee... I'm sorry the referee is just an idiot.

Yes, he was certainly the villain of the piece.

Daniel, you're still here.

Yeah, just... just having a little break.

Do you wanna come and join me?

Stop it!

Well, I'd better... I'd better... hit this way.

Oh by the way, guys, if you need any help with any more spiders,

just give me a call, okay?

Yeah, we'll be fine, I think, thanks.

Actually, do you have a card?

That is good. See you.

You like him!

Who?

Oh, that good looking man with "Security"

written on his shoulders? Yes!

Yes, I do.

He seems really nice.

Nice!

'Cause that's what you women want! Nice guys!

Hello, IT! .

What are you talking about, Roy?

If my date last night proved anything, it's that you, ladies,

you don't want nice guys.

I think if your date proved anything, Roy,

it's that women like men without poo on their foreheads.

That's our type.

That has nothing to do with this.

She clearly just didn't want a gentleman in her life.

I hate to generalize, you know that.

But all women just want bastards.

That women liking bastards thing is a total myth.

I've tried turning it off and on again and nothing happened.

Is it definitely plugged in?

Oh, let me have a look.

Oh, sorry, that's it, thanks very much.

You're welcome then.

It's just not true.

Women don't want gentlemen, they want bullies and thugs.

I'll prove it to you.

How will you prove it to me, Roy?

Oh! Okay.

I'll put a... I'll put on a classified ad online.

A classified?

Yeah, like a lonely hearts thing

but I'll make it sound psychotic.

And I still bet I'll get a bezillion replies.

Oh, dear God.

Come on. How much?

Okay. Yeah, I'll give you 20 quid if you get 1 response.

You're on!

Oh my God, no!

It's all about body fluids with you, isn't it?

Come on, Moss! We need to get to work.

Work?

Yeah, we need to post a classified lonely hearts ad online

that makes me sound like a psycho so that I can prove to Jen