Mind Trap

That's it.

Yeah.

Barbara's gonna love me.

Now, for the fun part.

Daddy's comin' home, daddy's comin' home.

Daddy's comin' home, tonight.

I got all the time in the world, lover girl.

Now, get up.

Slowly.

Let's define that word, "lover."

"Blind fury," my lady.

You always know the right thing to say to a girl.

Cute.

Sorry, Nigel.

My name isn't Nigel.

No!

Shit!

Never buy a house from someone named "Mother Hubbard"

Hey!

Sorry, Nigel!

Hold it, baby!

Have a seat.

You know, for all this trouble,

we're gonna have to disguise this

as a rape, murder, jewel heist.

But it is a rape, murder, jewel heist.

Will make the disguise all that more affective

now, won't it?

Can't argue with that.

Come on, then.

Get ready for my 18-Wheeler.

Training wheels don't count.

Nigel!

Your turn.

Now hold it, lady.

You wouldn't use that.

You wouldn't use that in a million years.

Ow!

Oh that...

That hurt!

Hey, take it easy!

Oh!

Hey, wait!

Whoa!

Wait a minute!

"A million years" is just a figure of speech.

In geologic time, it's only a couple of seconds.

Another rug-related death.

Well, Shana, I had a screening from you.

But never again and no in advance.

Sergei, this is my mother, Louise.

And you know Robby, my fiance.

It looks good, Sergei.

Yeah, I was just saying, they keep getting better.

Well, thank you.

And yes, I do know Robby.

Lady Louise, it was a real pleasure to meet you.

I was very sad to hear about the passing of the Colonel.

Thank you, Sergei, thank you.

Are you coming to Robby’s going away party tonight?

Of course I will.

Where is it gonna be?

At the Junior Officer's Mess Hall.

Well, what about the place you were staying?

Where I'm house sitting?

Yes.

No guests allowed.

I wish you had told me that before you set me up there.

Well, I thought the Queen of the Bees

should have a nicer place to stay,

than in a small cell, like that.

Listen, buddy!

They don't pay us a lot of cash in the Navy

to defend the likes of you.

They pay us in freedom.

Sergei wasn't saying anything.

It's just that your apartment's so small

and I have to move anyways,

so it gave me a base to look from.

No offense.

I apologize.

I'll see you all this evening?

What a jerk.

Robby, don't be such a pill.

He's my director, I have to invite him.

Well, we've got to go.

We've got lots to do.

Yeah, I'll see you later.

I gotta get some stuff at the office.

At dad's lab?

Yeah.

The Dream Room?

Nobody knows where that is, Robby.

I know, I know, it's just a shame his work is gone forever.

No, I'm just going to the Naval Hospital.

I'll see you guys later.

Can I talk to you for a minute? In private?

Fine with me.

What's up, Sergei?

Roger Wratka is doing an anti-terrorism commercial.

I wanna get you an audition.

Who's Wratka? That name's familiar.

Wratka is that Conservative Media Consultant.

He's the one that did the last Presidential campaign.

Of course, I know his work.

Didn't he do that commercial, "Red Dawn Over Massachusetts?"

I really don't think so, Sergei.

You're gonna turn down Roger Wratka?

You should be so lucky.

He's a very busy man, my dear.

He's got a timer on his desk

set for two minute phone calls, even for the President,

thank you.

He's just so simplistic.

I mean, his commercials are so stupid and exploitive.

But they work.

I'm gonna get you an audition

and you're gonna change your mind.

I'm not saying the Cold War is over

but I think we oughta give it a try.

If it is, doing one of his commercials

will be like doing a period piece.

You will be in a museum, and I will go.

Thank you for trying, Sergei.

You were really great to me, but...Wratka?

I'll see you, this evening?

You look beautiful.

Gorbachev, freedom is not a right, it's a privilege.

Is it freedom to hurt someone's feelings?

To say something others might disagree with?

To paint a painting I don't like?

No!

To me, the flag is literally alive.

If an old lady and the flag were drowning,

I'd save the flag.

Being American means being tough.

As Lee Atwater said, "Guns don't kill people, Liberals do."

Paid for by Jenkins for Senate.

Roger, how's it look?

Yeah, I'm looking at a cut right now, Andy, it looks good.

Excellent.

Yeah.

We'll start the negative stuff tonight.

The real anti-Communist stuff.

But what about my positive commercials?

Positives?

Yeah, you know, my new ideas, positives.

Look, Congressman,

positives are for those little media suck-heads

that jerk-off to while we slam dunk this...

Nazi-Communist, Crypto-Faggot, Queerbait Miller.

Yeah, but didn't...

Trust me, trust me, look, if it worked for the President

it'll work for you.

I guess so.

Okay, yeah, you got 10 seconds more.

I got a two minute maximum on phone calls.

Now, make your point.

Well if Atwater says...

Right, okay, great.

I love you, right, don't ever change.

Bye.

Two minute maximum, on any phone call.

Strictly enforced.

I don't care if it's the President of the United States

on the phone, that's why I got the timer.

Now, you got the photos for that negative Anderson spot?

Here they are, sir.

The casting people just sent them over.

You know, your breasts are looking

very lovely tonight, my dear.

Thank you, sir.

Perhaps...you can come by a little bit later on tonight

and we'll play "wet nurse."

I'd be honored, sir.

There's no reason in the world to give up Mother's Milk.

There isn't, sir. No reason at all.

Keeps me young.

Keeps me hip, it keeps me in tune with America.

That's what keeps you in touch with the '90s, sir.

Absolutely!

Absolutely!

And I have it on good authority

that there's some very high people in the Pentagon

who will not use Cremora.

They have entire battalions of wet nurses just waiting.

Let's see what we got here...

What is this?

Who sent this dog?

What is this?

Is this somebody's sister?

No!

Ugh!

Ugh, maybe!

Woof!

Ah, maybe...

Well...

Interesting.

Hey, save it for the party, guys.

Oh, what party?