Animal Control

Maya wants to do date night tonight.

Is she off pregnancy bedrest?

No, she wants to do the whole thing in bed,

I get to plan everything,

and she wants me to “knock her compression socks off ”.

Is that sex?

No. You could do a sponge bath

and then you could put coconut oil in the tub.

That would be nice.

No. The smell of coconut “makes me want to kill you ”.

You have to stop with the quote thing,

it's making me sad for you and your life.

No way. No way.

National RV Jamboree! That is a license plate jackpot.

The motherlode.

We could get the phantom plate itself,

the one that some say doesn't even exist.

Puerto Rico!

Mmhmm.

Truck 12 please respond. Truck 8 has a question.

Do you guys identify as, like, two individual losers

or just like a big lump of loser?

Come again?

They got a license plate.

Not just one plate, you chiseled dogs.

We're about to win this competition and get all of them.

I wouldn't trust your eyes,

you just called Shred “chiseled ”.

We're about to enter license plate heaven, lads.

Victory is ours.

Truck 8, please respond.

Report of a skunk at 1243 Arcola Ave.

No!

Uh, truck 8 is requesting to be excused, please.

For medical reasons. We have a note.

Dispatch, truck 12 requests truck 8's location

to help administer medical assistance.

No, they're not assisting!

They're trying to steal our license plate honeypot!

Truck 8 is at 4th and Main,

outside the Rose Fairgrounds.

Gaaah!

Thank you, dispatch.

And this has been another episode of the Lovable Losers,

starring truck 8

Shred? Theme song me.

Really?

You a loser, but you're lovable.

You're a loser, and you stink.

You gotta push the button down if you want them to hear you.

Aaaarrgh!

Now, this next state we never thought

we'd get because it's so dang small.

Frank, show me the ocean state.

Rhode Island, the smallest and most corrupt state.

It is the kidney stone of America.

Meet the Singleton family.

Good people, but very unclear how they were all related.

Look at that one.

Wait, is that the son?

Yeah, they said it was my turn next so I ran.

You reek. You've upset the dog.

-Oh, there they are. -Okay.

Hey, ever been to Rhode Island?

I...

Wait, who got skunked?

Yeah, that's me. I did get skunked.

Ask me if my partner did. She did not.

Sometimes you get lucky.

You used me as a human shield.

Ok, be honest. Is it bad?

In our HR meeting they make it clear to never comment

on an employee's smell but oh my god please go outside.

It's very bad.

Nope. Not until he sees the Hawaii plate.

I accidentally shot a video but it still counts.

It still counts.

Shred...

I... Sorry, I can't see.

He can't see.

No.

We are one state away from... total victory, West Virginia.

Country roads, take me home.

Ok, I gotta go get this stench off me.

Yeah, please.

Maya was very clear about me coming home smelling neutral.

Neutral!

You go, I'm gonna PostMates some tomato juice for you to soak in.

Can you put some crackers in that order?

Or anything that's dipable in the tomato stuff, ok?

Ok.

Uh, hey girl. Do you have a second?

Yeah.

Why do you sound like something's wrong?

No, nothing's wrong.

It's just your green card ex-husband dropped off

some mail for you.

Oh, ok.

Six weeks ago. Sorry about that.

I just found it on my bookshelf under the folder

and some books I'm gonna get to you.

That one's from the US Department of Homeland Security.

Yeah.

It looks official.

I just wanted to flag that for you.

Oh my god, Emily.

This says that my citizenship test is scheduled for the 10th.

The 10th? Of this month?

I'm toast!

I haven't even cracked open this freakin' book!

Oh, that's a-- that's a big book.

I'm so good at studying. Let me help you.

Now, or six weeks ago when it might have made a difference?

That's good. Yeah, I'm glad we're laughing about this.

Um... no, I'm very motivated to help you

because I want you to stay in this country,

and also I really can't stand people being mad at me.

If you're mad at me.

I couldn't tell if you were or you weren't or-- are you?

Do you want me to say?

No, I don't want to know.

Let's just get into those books.

Oh, um, hey Frank, we're getting a call about an aggressive swan.

Where?

Oh, um, uh, Oakwood Country Club.

Oversized male, dead eyes,

a taste for human flesh as indicated by this?

Woah. Swan scar.

I always thought that was a TB vaccine

nestled between my two favorite freckles.

Will you stop memorizing my arms.

I didn't get a ton of specifics,

they just said it's terrorizing the members.

Oh, yeah, that's him. El Diablo Blanco.

My white whale.

Wait, so is it a swan or a whale?

It's a Moby Dick reference.

You can't say stuff like that at work, Frank.

Ok, is this the swan that you and Rick talk about

every time you sit in front of a fire?

Yeah.

Because the smoke reminds us of his phantom-like nature.

But this time I will capture the smoke.

Ok.

And I know that's impossible

but this is where the analogy has lead me.

I'm going to take revenge for this.

Oh, lord.

It's just so much whiter-- -So white.

-than you think it's gonna be.

It's like a bowling pin.

It was a long winter in Seattle. Focus on the scar.

Hang on, where's the scar?

Where is the scar?

Ok.

Frank, you ok?

You haven't blinked for a few miles.

I've been trying to catch that swan since high school.

I don't wanna wade into any sensitive math here

but is it possible for a swan to live that long?

Oh, you can live a long time with enough hate in your heart.

That's what my dad taught me.

I was a caddy at that country club as a teenager.

Oh yeah, here comes the hero's origin story.

Everybody there was just a bunch of rich douche bags

but I powered through.

I saved all summer and I finally bought my first Disc-man.

I don't know what that is but I think you mean Disc-person.

It plays CD's.

Compact discs.

I got it.

Snapped right onto my belt next to my beeper.

It was so cool.

My nana had a beeper.

I'm gonna hit you later.

El Diablo Blanco stole the Disc-man from my hands

and I've only seen him twice since.

Once on local news when he attacked a baby,

and second when Rick and I got the call.

We thought we had him, but he had us.

So Rick failed you,

yet he remains your favorite partner ever?

Yep.

Well I, Shred Taylor, your current partner,

is your second favorite?

Absolutely not.

Mid-range?

One above Devon.

DUI during work Devon?!

Ah, he was a lot of fun before lunch.

Ok, but what if I help you catch your El Diablo Cody?

Does that bump me up to number one, ahead of Rick?

If you help me catch that swan all bets are off.

I am going to destroy that bird.

By humanely capturing and rehousing him.

Sir, you can't park that here. It's members only parking.

Oh, we're with the city. Fashion Police.

We got a call regarding your pants.

Darren, everything okay over here?

I'm handling it, Beth.