My Bodyguard

Hang on a second.

Ah, the complete angler.

Big day tomorrow.

Hi.

Hey, Cliffie, how you doing?

- Getting ready for school tomorrow? - Yeah.

Listen, good luck.

I told him, "Hector,

"TV is a narcotic.

"It drains away your manhood

If you watch it all the time."

It's a drug.

Exactly. A drug.

There he is, a young fellow, only 67 years old,

Already his eyes are turning into headlights.

It got to where...

I practically had to drag him to bed.

Well, that's what busted us up.

Oh, hey...

These are the Dumpys from Cincinnati.

Dunphys.

He makes those cute "get well" cards.

She writes the verses.

You got any x-rated cards?

Not as yet, Mrs. Peache.

Oh.

Say, that looks delicious.

Why don't you squeeze a little shot

of lemon in there-- a little zing to it.

Live a little, huh?

Now, where-- Oh, yeah.

Everything is under control, Stan.

Hi, Dad.

She no longer has access to the room keys.

I can't do that. She is my mother.

It was nothing more than a misunderstanding.

Mm-hmm.

Griffith is not the manager of this hotel.

I am. Trust me, okay?

405's done. I'll finish 406 tomorrow.

Tomorrow? When?

- I don't know, after lunch. - That's too late.

- You want miracles? - Hold on. Marty, wait.

She's not in the pump room. Oh, god.

I can't be everywhere. I'm on my break.

- She's in the bar. - Alone?

I'm out of here. I got a union meeting.

I'll call you back, okay?

Bye.

Where is he?

As usual, we're operating like a well-oiled machine.

Have time for dinner? Come on.

- Yes, Griffith. - Mr. Peache, things are going badly.

The fourth floor is a disaster area.

Mrs. Dunphy alleges that her husband was propositioned by an elderly lady.

And we know who that was.

Senator Byrum has had his suite double-booked.

Okay, I'll take care of Mrs. Dunphy and the senator,

and you take care of the fourth floor.

You, young man, still have to eat.

I'll try and join you. Okay?

Hello. Hello, miss.

Have you seen a--

You wouldn't be Mrs. Dunphy?

For crying out loud, you were described so differently.

This must be your father?

Bats!

Bats! Bats! Bats!

I'm sorry. Did I scare you?

You didn't scare me. I saw you.

You did not, you little liar.

Nobody suspects a bat attack.

I saw it coming a mile off.

No, no.

Don't you strike a woman.

Men think women want that. They're wrong.

Leave her before you strike her.

Cliff, put that pillow down.

That's it.

Ow!

Stop it. All right, I quit.

Oh, you dirty rotten kid.

You never take my advice.

Look what I got you.

A brand-new notebook,

a pack of paper,

and, uh... pens

and pencils and an eraser.

I always loved opening day of school.

I loved going in the stationery stores.

They smell so terrific. Lumberyards, too.

And bookstores.

Yeah. Nothing smells better than a new book.

- Mother! - Oh, shh!

Mother.

Mother--

Mother.

How did you know I was back there?

A little heavy on the jungle gardenia.

Ooh, that smell lured 1,000 men into my clutches.

Your clutches...

is precisely the subject of tonight's sermon.

We've talked about it many times.

I like the "thou shalt nots."

I don't own this hotel.

I manage it.

Where would it be without you?

With a new manager.

Griffith watches me like a vulture.

That greasy wimp.

He says you tried to pick up

some guy from Cincinnati.

A married man, mom.

We were talking. We had a few drinks.

It was perfectly innocent. His wife was there all the time.

Okay.

Where do you suggest we go

when they kick us out of this hotel?

Well, the old actors home.

I'd be a resident. You'd be a manager.

- Cliff'd be a busboy. - I'll just retire.

You're going to school and acting like a student.

I'll act like a hotel manager. And, mom...

Yes, Larry?

Try...

for god's sake, to act your age.

- Are you going to act your age? - I'll try.

I won't try. You try.

Give them hell, champ.

Pick you up at 3:00.

Excuse me. Is 235 that way?

Good morning.

Would you please find a seat?

Hey, I'm sitting there.

Sorry.

Hello! Would you please find a seat?

Find one you like.

It will be your seat the entire semester.

Uh, that's saved.

Would the young man in the blue shirt

Find a seat and sit in it?

Is this saved?

Feel under the desk.

- You've got gum dating back to Neanderthal times. - Really?

The gum's not the worst. The boogers freak me out.

You can get hepatitis

from the fresh ones.

Shelley, want to go out tonight?

Ask Moody.

- Who's the new kid? - I don't know. He's kind of little.

- Ask where he's from. - You ask him.

Weren't you in Mr. Sanford's English class last year?

No. I'm new.

My mistake. He's new.

Ladies and degenerates, here's Moody!

Don't applaud. Just throw money.

Aww.

I'm sure we're all thrilled to have Mr. Moody among us

As we begin this great adventure known as your sophomore year.

I saved a seat for you.

Thanks a lot. Willie, take this seat.

You grew up a lot over the summer, baby.

Where did you get this hair?

K-Mart. Heh heh heh. "K-Mart."

- What's so funny? - Excuse me, Mr. Moody.

Are you having trouble finding a seat?

This sucker swiped it from me.

- I was here first. - Bullshit.

If you can't find a seat back here, I'd be glad to have you come sit up front with me.

Alan Blumenthal. Cyndie Rush.

Move over to that seat.

Ricky Linderman...

Does anybody know if Ricky Linderman is in school?

- I hope not. - Who wants him?

Who's Linderman?

No one... just the local mass murderer.

Does anybody know if Ricky Linderman is in school or not?

Probably in New York climbing the Empire State Building.

Thank you, Mr. Moody.

Clifford...

P-E-A-C-H-E.

- Clifford is that "Peach" or "Peachy"? - Peach.

Knew he was a fruit.

What did you say, Melvin?

- Melvin? - Melvin?

I don't go by that no more, Clarice.

Fair enough, you call me Ms. Jump.

What shall we call you?

"M". Big "M". I like that.

Is that B-M for short?

That kid's going to get it.

You've got nerve even if you're not going to live long.

You and me, we're going to have a little talk after school, right?

Right? Huh?

You know that was so dumb what you said to Moody.

I never saw anybody put him down before.

- I hope you get away with it. - Hold this, will you?

Don't let him catch you in the halls alone, or on the stairs either.

Hold it over the bowl.

Or especially in the bathrooms.