I, Robot

Thing of beauty.

Good morning, sir!

Yet another on-time delivery from-

Get the hell out of my face, canner.

Have a nice day!

And we believe our Destination Anywhere package to be the best value.

Let us take you to your dream destination aboard our orbital spaceplane, the X-82.

Try Jazztown's synthetic Chicago-style pizza. Tastes as good as you remember.

Glowfish! The world's hottest-selling transgenic treats.

Your children will love the new colors too!

- Excuse me, sir. - Total performance.

Total readiness. Total security.

So goodbye to upgrades and service calls.

An uplink to USR's central computer...

...provides this state-of-the-art robot with new programs daily.

The Nestor Class 5 is tomorrow's robot today.

Spoon! Spoonie!

Hold up. Hold on! Excuse me, excuse me.

- Spoon, where you been at? - Just away, Farber.

Oh, yeah, away? Like vacation? That's nice.

I got a favor to ask. I need to borrow your car.

This is different. I got this fine-ass yummy- She is complete and agreeable.

I mean, ass-hot spankable.

- What does that even mean? - You know what it means.

- Let me get the damn-ass keys. - First of all...

- ... stop cussing. You're not good at it. - Give me 10 for the bus, then, man.

- Go home. - That's strike one, Spoon. Strike one!

This is such a valuable day...

You talk to Marci?

No, Gigi, I haven't talked to Marci.

When I was coming up, we didn't just marry someone...

...then divorce them, then not talk to them.

Del, don't play with me.

I bet if I stopped cooking, you'd call Marci.

Boy, what is that on your feet?

Converse All Stars, vintage 2004.

Don't turn your face up. I know you want some. Just ask.

No, thank you very much.

- Sweet potato pie. - Put that on a plate.

I've seen on TV they're giving away some of them new robots in the lottery.

You know, Gigi, those robots don't do anybody any good.

Of all the people on God's earth, you should know better.

Sometimes the stuff that comes out of your mouth!

You listening to me, Del?

Hey!

Hey!

Hold my pie. Sir, hold it or wear it.

Move!

Freeze!

Hey! Stop!

Stop!

I said, stop!

Relax. Relax.

I'm a police officer.

You...

...are an asshole.

- Ma'am, is that your purse? - Of course it's my purse.

I left my inhaler at home. He was running it out to me.

I saw a robot running with the purse and assumed-

What? Are you crazy?

- I'm sorry for this misunderstanding. - Don't apologize.

You're doing what you're supposed to do. But what are you doing?

Have a lovely day, ma'am.

You're lucky I can't breathe, or I'd walk all up and down your ass.

Lead by example.

It says that right on your badge.

- We gonna talk about this? - About what?

"Help! Police! That robot stole my dry cleaning!"

Oh, you wanna talk about that.

Detective...

- ... how many robots snatch purses? - John, the thing is running-

How many robots in the world...

- ... have ever committed a crime? - Define crime.

- Answer my question, damn it. - None, John.

Now tell me what happened today.

Nothing.

Better be the last nothing.

Spoon, are you sure you are ready to be back? Because you can take your time.

I'm fine, John. Thank you.

Better here than sitting around at home.

Homicide. Spooner.

Please take the next exit to your right.

Welcome, Detective Spooner.

Welcome to U. S. Robotics. You have entered the garage-level lobby.

Please use the elevators for direct access to the main level concourse.

Thank you.

- Good to see you again, son. - Hello, doctor.

Everything that follows is a result of what you see here.

- Is there something you want to tell me? - I'm sorry. My responses are limited.

You must ask the right questions.

Why did you call me?

I trust your judgment.

Normally, this wouldn't require a homicide detective.

But then, our interactions have never been entirely normal, agreed?

You got that right.

Is there something you want to say to me?

I'm sorry. My responses are limited.

You must ask the right questions.

Why would you kill yourself?

That, detective, is the right question.

Program terminated.

Goodbye, old man.

- Afternoon, boys. - Hey, detective.

- Enlighten me. - What you see is what you get:

Massive impact trauma.

U.S. Robotics. I gotta get my kid something.

- Anything upstairs? - Nada.

Door was security locked from the inside.

Wham, splat. The guy's a jumper for sure.

We gotta be smart about this. Let's deal with it later.

Detective.

Lawrence Robertson.

Richest man in the world. I've seen you on television.

- Can I offer you coffee? - Sure, why not. It's free, right?

I don't think anyone saw this coming.

You know, I should have, I suppose. I knew him 20 years.

Alfred practically invented robotics. He wrote the Three Laws.

But I guess brilliant people often have the most persuasive demons.

- So whatever I can do to help- - Sugar.

- I'm sorry? - For the coffee.

Sugar?

You thought I was calling you "sugar. " You're not that rich.

- It's on the table. - Thank you.

When Lanning fell, he was holding the little green...?

- The holographic projector. - Right.

Why do you think Lanning's hologram would've called me?

- I assumed you knew him. - Yeah. I knew him.

Holograms are just prerecorded responses...

...designed to give the impression of intelligence.

This one was programmed to call you upon his suicide.

- Death. - I'm sorry?

It was programmed to call me in the event of Lanning's death.

Suicide is a type of death, detective.

- Don't misunderstand my impatience. - Oh, no. Go. Go.

A really big week for you folks around here.

You gotta put a robot in every home.

Look, this is not what I do, but I got an idea for one of your commercials.

You could see a carpenter making a beautiful chair.

Then one of your robots comes in and makes a better chair twice as fast.

Then you superimpose on the screen, Shitting on the little guy. "

That would be the fade-out.

Yeah, I see. I suppose your father lost his job to a robot.

Maybe you'd have banned the Internet to keep the libraries open.

Prejudice never shows much reason.

No, you know, I suspect you simply don't like their kind.

Well, you got a business to run around here.

The last thing you need, especially this week, is a dead guy in your lobby.

But, hell, seeing as how you got one, maybe I'll look around.

Ask a few questions. Do the whole "cop" thing.

- I'll send someone to escort you. - Thank you very much.

Lawrence told me to accommodate you in any way possible.

Really?

Okay.

I reviewed Dr. Lanning's psych profile.

Alfred had become a recluse. He rejected human contact for machines.

So you're a shrink, huh?

My ex-wife would sure be glad I'm talking to you.

You don't know her, do you?

I'm sorry. Are you being funny?

I guess not.

Level 10.

So would you say that Dr. Lanning was suicidal?

It would seem the answer to that is apparent.

That's not what I asked you.

No. I wouldn't have thought so.

But obviously I was wrong.

That's a long way down.

You people sure do clean up quickly around here.

I can't blame you. Who wants some old guy going bad in the lobby?

He was not "some old guy. " Alfred Lanning was everything here.

We are on the eve of the largest robotic distribution in history.

By Saturday, it'll be one robot to every five humans.

These robots are the realization of a dream. Dr. Lanning's dream.

You know what, in that dream of his...

...I bet you he wasn't dead.

- You keep 24-hour surveillance? - Obviously. Company policy.

- Where are the feeds? - Sensor strips.

Everywhere but the service areas.

They link to our positronic operating core.

Thermostat wasn't good enough. You gave the building a brain.

She was actually Lanning's first creation.

She? That's a she? I definitely need to get out more.

Virtual Interactive Kinetic Intelligence.

V.I.K.I.

Good day.

V.I.K.I. designed Chicago's protective systems.

I have decreased traffic fatalities by 9 percent this year.

Thanks. Show me inside the lab from one minute prior to the window break.

Apologies. There appears to be data corruption.

Show me outside the lab from the window break until now.

Look, you have great posture. You stand really straight. I'm slouching.

- Would you like to go inside now? - Oh, sure. Right after you.

Authorized entry.

So, Dr. Calvin, what exactly do you do around here?

My general fields are advanced robotics and psychiatry.

I specialize in hardware-to-wetware interfaces...

...to advance USR's robotic anthropomorphization program.

So, what exactly do you do around here?

I make the robots seem more human.

- Now, wasn't that easier to say? - Not really. No.