Watson

Oh!

Can I get you a drink?

-(belt unbuckles) -Whoa.

Where's your couch?

-(Peter groans) -(Nicole laughing)

-What's so funny? -Nothing.

You're just taking forever.

Whoa. You sure you're okay?

I can handle two martinis.

Besides, I'm older than you.

Sit.

Whoa.

("Porn Star Dancing" by My Darkest Days playing)

Are you laughing at me?

Do you like watching me?

Oh.

You do like watching.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

For real, are you okay?

I'm just having fun. So are you.

TONY (over phone): Hey, Dr. Croft, Tony Sykes again.

Listen, I wanted to follow up on my invite for you

to appear on the Monty Morrison podcast.

-Hello? -And if you agree to endorse

our line of supplements,

-we'd like to... -(phone beeps)

AUTOMATED VOICE (over phone): Message deleted.

No new messages.

And apparently, no life,

since I'm the first one here on a Saturday night.

Where are you two coming from?

Just... out.

It's almost 4:00 in the morning.

Pittsburgh actually has a pretty decent after-hours scene.

I didn't know until...

We started at Thunderbird, then hit up Hot Mass...

-Mm-hmm. -...Cavo.

Belvedere's.

When do you two sleep?

Don't answer that.

I've reached my quota

of personal information from these two.

Are you wearing guy-liner?

You're too old to shop at Hot Topic.

Aw, you're just jealous.

Where's Watson, anyway? Is he even here?

Apologies. I got swept up

reading about Abu al-Qasim al-Zahrawi.

Can anyone tell me why?

You have even less of a life than Adam?

Man, I am right here.

Al-Zahrawi is one of your heroes.

Tenth-century physician,

also known as the father of modern surgery.

Nice memory, Dr. Lubbock.

But that's not why I called you here.

Your text said that you were invoking the one-percent rule.

Our standing agreement to come in,

regardless of time of day, to observe any procedure at UHOP

performed with a rate of incidence less than one percent.

And what are you here to observe?

Al-Zahrawi was the first doctor to record his treatments

of dozens of conditions.

Watson wants us to think of the rarest of them and then guess.

But I need caffeine, Adam is half-asleep,

and the club kids are downshifting out of party mode,

so just tell us.

A rupture of the corpus cavernosum.

-(Adam groans) Oh.

Penis fracture.

Okay. Glad I didn't google it.

Penile fractures occur in .29 cases in 100,000.

An hour ago, Peter Johns was admitted

with that exact incredibly rare injury.

Peter Johns. So close to Peter Johnson.

Let me guess, you called in the one-percent rule?

Saturday night. Isn't that date night?

You're here, too.

It's a precaution.

There's a liability issue.

The patient was understandably worried about his...

future prospects.

He mentioned his father is a plaintiff's attorney.

How did you deal with that?

Morphine.

-He settled right down. -(chuckles)

Anyway, he should make a full recovery.

Ingrid?

You're not watching? You're missing

the most important part of the whole procedure.

Actually, I think I just found something more important.

Dr. Morstan, I need to talk to the nurse

who wrote up this patient file.

I think there might be a problem.

With the patient?

Not the patient.

The woman who brought him here.

And I've been making rounds of every hotel, motel,

hostel, bar, brothel.

I walk the streets, rousing the unhoused,

just in case one of them's him.

Guv, the man's vanished.

And at the risk of stating the obvious,

of all the people I've ever known,

if Sherlock Holmes doesn't want you to find him, then good luck.

The man definitely likes his solitude.

So much so that he faked his own death.

But by doing so, he denied himself the ability

to draw from his assets,

which means he's short on resources.

Meaning what?

You think he'll stay in the area?

Perhaps in the vicinity of those that he knows he can count on?

See, that's the rub right there.

What he does and does not know

may be affected by his condition.

If his thinking is impaired,

this whole disappearance may not even be intentional.

Right. All right.

All the more reason to triple our efforts.

I'll get right back at it.

Shinwell.

I should've told you sooner.

Aw, come on, guv.

I understand why you kept Holmes's secret.

He's your friend.

He's mine, too.

So I won't stop until we find him.

Thanks, Shinwell.

I don't get it.

It's actually very simple.

But the-the nurse woke me up and said it was urgent

that I talk to a doctor-- you--

but you're not my doctor

and you're not interested in my condition.

I'm interested in the accident that put you here.

Specifically, this woman you described

to the admit nurse-- "Nicole"?

Nicole... (gasps)

She's the one who broke me.

You noted Nicole's eyes flickered throughout your date?

It wasn't a date. It was just drinks.

Okay. Her eyes?

Off and on, yeah. I thought it was some tic.

It's actually called nystagmus.

Also, according to you, she was nodding her head strangely.

Could be titubation.

When she fell on top of you, that sounds like ataxia.

Did she display other instances where she seemed off-balance?

I guess so, yeah. Sorry, what does this

have to do with fixing my penis?

You said Nicole kept bursting out laughing.

Before she got to your apartment or after?

Both.

She was laughing a lot, actually.

Okay, well, that's pseudobulbar affect.

If she has that, along with all the other symptoms

you described, I'm gonna need you to write down Nicole's name,

phone number, everything you know...

Write down...? No, wait, I-I-I don't know her.

Look, she's just some baddie that I met on Tinder.

Hold up. Hey, why do you need to find her, anyway?

Because if I don't, and soon,

that "baddie," she's gonna die.

In my opinion, this woman's life is in danger.

A quixotic quest to find someone who's not even our patient.

That sounds like Watson's territory.

"Quixotic?" Do you even have a penis?

Oh, he definitely has a penis.

How about futile?

Possibly pointless?

Let's not debate vocabulary.

I want to hear Ingrid's reasoning.

Nystagmus, titubation,

ataxia, pseudobulbar affect.

All these symptoms manifesting simultaneously.

It'd be a miracle if there wasn't something wrong with her.

Which could be...?

I think it's an untreated neurological condition,

possibly a tumor.

I agree.

You could be looking at a medulloblastoma.

Patient Nicole is in dire jeopardy.

She needs a hospital.

If it's not a tumor, she could suffer

a stroke, a hemorrhage, an aneurysm.

So let's find her. Any leads?

Ingrid and I combed through her dating profile.

Seems like "Nicole" is just an alias she uses for hook-ups.

Knowing that, I went to speak to our friend,

the convalescing Mr. Johnson.

Johns. He wasn't much help when I spoke to him.

Me, neither, but he did direct me to this.

This is the hoodie that Nicole tied around his crotch.

Was there anything in the pockets?

Just some crumpled-up receipts.

Gas station, grocery store.

Is this maybe kind of quixotic?