Archer

Schenectady?!

You're in Schenectady?!

After all your naggy lectures about how I need to stop micro-managing ISIS?!

You do! And this is... macro-managing!

C'mon, some things I gotta do myself!

CHERYL/CAROL: Mr. Archer's on line two.

I'm on the phone! CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, duh, line two.

Wh-? Mother?!

Sterling... Don't talk, just listen!

My cover's blown and I need an extraction!

Oh my... wait, extraction from where?

Montreal, long story, but my money and passport were confiscated, so...

So where in Montreal exactly?

Uh... Like, the GPS coordinates, or...

Bienvenue au Casino de Montreal.

Confiscated by whom? A croupier?

No! Or a herd of Quebecker whores?!

I wouldn't say herd... Well, after you get some

free penicillin, compliments of the Socialist Republic of Canada...

Wait, really?

... you can extract yourself, mister!

Mother I don't have a passpor... ... I mean don't

get me wrong, I respect that, but comparing ISIS to six

Cadillac dealerships is like comparing apples to... six Cadillac...

Ron! What?!

Sterling is stranded at the Montreal Casino with his

pockets turned out and... and this is just speculation...

some new drug-resistant form of V.D.

Reeally... And you're in Schenectady. Again!

I'll be home tonight!

Oh, I know! Because what's tonight?!

Uh, Tuesday? Night?

Box seats! For the opening of "Carmen" at the Met!

Babe, c'mon, I promise, I'll be there!

Well if you're not, you can just not bother coming home at all!

I... CHERYL/CAROL: Trouble on the old hooomfront?

Oh for the... eavesdrop much?!

Scream into a speakerphone much?

Pam...? What?!

You want us to wear earplugs every time you're on the damn pho...

CHERYL/CAROL: Ooh, or helmets!

It is just idiots, all the way down.

And his money, I get it, that's all craps and whores, but his passport?

How the hell did he lose his passport?

Bekuz, shuddup, bekuz I dunneebit... Bekuz I dunnever go homerika,

bekuz, shuddup, bekuz je... hic! Je tam!

Tabernac... It's my third biggest fear.

He brings home a whore and says "We're married!"

Oh, and the whore has bangs.

Ugh, thank God I don't have to worry about anything like that with Ron.

"Hi, I'm Ron Cadillac, aka Mr. Boring."

Jesus God, what am I doing with... Ron Cadillac!

They don't make the rules! You do!

Well obviously they do make the rules, that's why it's come to this.

Which is why Ron Cadillac is opting out!

And also why Ron Cadillac is gonna swing by Montreal on his way home.

Because Ron Cadillac is frickin epic.

CHERYL/CAROL: What.

Yes, I'll accept the charges. What.

Carol, hey, shut up, I need you to go down to Western Union and wire me

a thousand dollars.

CHERYL/CAROL: Wow.

Yeah. CHERYL/CAROL: No.

Yes! CHERYL/CAROL: No!

Oh for... then just lemme talk to Pam!

CHERYL/CAROL: Absolutely not. Huh?

Because pick any one of an infinite number of reasons!

Yeah, okay, hang on... Mmmmyeah, no, I would,

but I can't really leave the lab at the moment... But I can transfer you...

No, I seriously thought you were joking.

Yeah, hang on...

Okay. Okay! Lemme talk to Lana!

Tabernac! You know there is a line?!

There's gonna be a line at your wake!

So shut your poutine hole, and lemme...

Lana?! Lana listen, I... Noop.

... need you to... Noop.

Stop saying noop! Noop, Archer. Noop.

And it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up but...

Why do you casser le telephone?!

Because I'm out of people to call!

Even Woodhouse wouldn't help me... What do you mean, no?!

I basically own you!

And I basically own him.

Jesus, this is actually almost depressing.

Need a ride, champ?

Although not as depressing as Ron what the hell are you doing here?!

Giving you a ride home. C'mon, hop in!

Did Mother send you?

Uh, not exactly, I uh, just thought it'd give us a chance to uh, bond.

Yeah, don't take this the wrong way, Ron, but I'd rather bond with a C.H.U.D.

Il est la! Il est la!

But C.H.U.D.'s live in New York so let's go!

What the hell is a chud?!

They were people, but then they got splashed with toxic waste.

Aw, that's a load of crap... It's a movie!

But those baby alligators people flush down there, now that's...

Ron! C'mon, seriously, at some point I'm gonna have to

take a shit, so... So why didn't you go before we left?

Not now! In the future!

And I won't be able to if I'm thinking about giant alligators

rampaging up into my toilet!

Talk about tearing you a new one... For the love of Christ,

man! Stop!

I meant, stop talking, about assripping sewer-gators.

Yeah, I know. So?!

He asked, incredulously!

You said you didn't have a passport.

So?! He asked, equally incredulously!

So that. ARCHER: Oh. So...?

And that's not sarcastic incredulity, I honestly wanna hear your

thoughts on getting me across.

Why not?!

Because what if they check the trunk?!

Why would they? Because that's exactly their job!

Yeah, on the Mexican border!

Who the hell's gonna sneak in from Canada?!

Arctic wolves?

And even if you had a passport, what if they checked you for a gun?

I... You do have a gun, don't you?

Yeah, I... Yeah, I, so uh, maybe keep it handy.

What? Wait, why would I... Ron?

Ron. Ron.

Roooooooooooooooooooon!

What?! Oh.

Never mind, I got it.

Ron! Let me outta the goddamn trunk!

We passed the border an hour ago!

Actually more like three hours.

I... well apparently I took a nap!

Probably all this carbon dioxide.

It's actually monoxide... Whichever!

Of carbon's many oxides!

Just lemme out! I gotta bitch of a headache and a bladder full of bourbon!

Just hang on! They always hit me between Schenectady and Albany.

Who hits you?! RON: Uh... Those guys.

What the shit! Ron! Yeah, so listen!

Remember when I said maybe keep your gun handy?!

Yeah, vaguely!

Well the thing is... What's the thing, Ron?!

Oh. Never mind!

Goddammit Ron, keep it straight!

Ha ha! Wooooooo!

Did you whoa whoa whoa Ron, compensate! I am compensating!

No no no no no, look out, you're...

Overcompensating.

Is what I was gonna say. Right before I was thrown clear of the vehicle,

almost exactly one hundred linear feet.

Gimme a break, huh, that wasn't my fault!

Yeah no, I mean obviously this was all due to the butterfly effect.

- The what... - Butterfly effect, ya know, a butterfly in Africa

lands on a giraffe's nose, the giraffe sneezes, that spooks

a gazelle, the gazelle bonks into a rhinoceros, and the

rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth,

calls New York somehow and says "Hey go kill this idiot Ron for a suitcase!"

Because the rhinoceros speaks English!

What's in the suitcase, Ron?

Why is that in the suitcase, Ron?!

What, I should use a plastic bag? Or this new thing called the bank?!

Well, it's not exactly... Clean, money.

No, shit.

No, I'm serious... Name one, just one single favor, that Archer ever did

for any of you.

CHERYL/CAROL: Oh! Oh my God, chlamydia.

Which put me over my deductible, so the rest of that year all my

doctor visits were totally free, score!

Wow. CHERYL/CAROL: Right?

How much did you go to the damn doctor?

CHERYL/CAROL: I dunno, like, a lot... I kept getting chlamydia.

Oww! Get! Off! Chlamydiot!

CHERYL/CAROL: Oh, I get it... because of the chlamydia.

Oh, and I'm an idiot.

Because of course you keep getting robbed!

Why're you driving around with a suitcase full of dirty money?

It's kind of a long story... Well we've got all day!

Nobody's gonna pick us up, we look like... The Ballad of the Flim-Flam Man.

The what? Guy Owen?

Jesus, Ron, read a book.

Maybe between biannual suitcase robberies.

I don't know who keeps tipping 'em off.

And anyway, you mean semiannual.

They're the same thing!

No, biannual means every two years... That's biennial!

Bi-, or semi-annual, means every six months!

Oh. Then yeah, biannually.

Or semi.

Speaking of... Manhattan, yes, thank you,

and you're sure you can get us there by seven?

Oh yeah. Just hop in the back there.

What like, the back back?

Yeah, sorry, you'all can't ride in the cab.

Insurance bullshit, compliments of them democratic queers in congress.

Or whomever.

Okay, things are looking up!

No no, hey, c'mon, don't do that!

You're gonna get him in trouble!

Ron, nobody's gonna miss one beer.

Or the eleven more I'm gonna drink.

C'mon, he's an independent trucker... A small business owner,