Bonekickers

BABYLON, 331 BC

50 MILES SOUTH OF BAGHDAD

2339 YEARS LATER

Get down!

This sucks, man.

Luck of the Devil himself.

Try and think, Mum.

Did anyone come here and ur notebook?

Cos if they didn't ask you, it.

Has, em...

has anyone been here asking belongings?

Or asking about me?

Not that I know of, but your mother...

- She wouldn't know even if they had, yeah. - I'm afraid not.

Haven't you sold that thing yet?

- Hey, babe. - You said we were going to France.

The Riviera.

You owe me, Jimmy.

Yeah, well, if I'm right about this thing, I'll buy you a house on the Riviera. How about that?

Oooh, I like that.

- Does it come with matching earrings? - Get your paws off!

- Do you hear that? - What?

I dunno... it sounded like gas escaping?

Don't do that.

Tooth picks.

4,000 years ago the Egyptians were building cities of gold, the Greeks temples of marble.

What were we doing?

We were picking our teeth.

- What about Stonehenge? - Stonehenge?

Well, it's pretty impressive, isn't it? A bit?

The Pantheon is impressive.

The pyramids at Giza, the Nabatean temples carved into the rock at Petra, they're impressive.

You want to compare these wonders to a rockery off the A303?!

Here endeth the lesson.

Come on, let's get back to work.

Come on, she tends to bite hardest on those she's most fond of.

Then she must really love me.

I'm sorry. I'm trying, but it's not happening, Viv.

You don't give good "victim".

So, any more mysterious phone calls from anonymous men asking if I've received "packages"?

- What did he sent you? - My mother's old notebook.

Really? Can I see it?

No.

nd you're absolutely sure that you know nothing about the person who called?

No. Nothing. I swear.

OK, OK. You're not on trial.

Gillian!

You'll want to see this.

Cultural delegation from Iraq.

Doing the Grand Tour of our dismal wee island.

They're visiting the private Babylonian collection in Bath.

Look at 'em.

Government's latest poster campaign for the glorious new future.

Doctors, philosophers, film directors, even a child chess genius.

And?

And a doctor of archaeology turned peacemaking politician.

'Oh, it's wonderful to back here, yes, I've been here a number of times.

'No we hope to be able to place everything up.'

Dr Hammadi?

Rachel Highgrove, coordinating the visit from this end. You're late.

- Were you lost? - Only in thought.

Ah, very poetic but we must keep the delegation to the itinerary.

Dr Hammadi!

Allah uh Akbar. Can I tempt you to recite the talk you gave in Cairo on the Ishtar Gate?

It would coincide with the relaunch of my old DVD.

Oh, you may remember, when this arch was first installed here?

In which you describe Babylon as "Alexander the Great's bisexual stop-off point."

Well, one must have an angle, as the conqueror said to the catamite. as the conqueror the catamite.

- Kahmil! - Behold the chess champion.

I feel a photo opportunity coming on. Would you...

come over here... Gather round please.

Excuse me, mate.. Ali!

No need for panic, everybody.

No need for panic, everybody, a slight fracas that's all.

She's a war orphan.

Our Government had him assigned to protect her.

Tell him we could do without the cultural histrionics.

I have to take this.

Beautiful...

So much history.

Catalogue it.

Archaeology... one part scrabbling around in the filth to ten parts book-keeping. Are we having fun yet?

***** from the sun and dust.

- Gregory. You haven't aged a bit. - I bathe in asses' milk.

Ben.

- And this is new intern, Viv Davis. - Nice to meet you.

We were all students together. Oh, well, 15 years ago?

A pleasure.

Kahmil needs our help.

Here is one of many sad sights from modern Iraq...

A Hellenistic temple destroyed by mortar fire.

2,000 years and now it's gone.

The bombs blow open the ground and bring new treasures to the surface, from when Iraq was Babylon and a wonder of the ancient world.

Yes...we were great once.

And of course the Baghdad Institute of Antiquities has an insidious enemy...

Nighthawkers.

- Night-? - Looters.

Smuggling finds out of the country for private collectors.

String 'em up by their buster-browns!

Now we've traced one of the nighthawkers back here.

We don't know his name.

What does he have to sell?

Oh, wow, a brick.

Perhaps from the Hanging Gardens.

It's inscribed by the king who commissioned the building.

"Built by Nebuchadnezzar, king of Babylon."

Aw, come on. The Gardens are a myth.

He needs our help.

Can I have a word with you, please?

Excuse us.

Kahmil is loaded.

With his family connections he can sort out his own problems...

And if he's now this big peace-making politician why's he worrying about some brick?

If you ask me, he's got an ulterior motive.

Well, maybe he just wanted to look up some old friends.

- Oh, yeah I bet he was gagging to see me and Dolly... - Oh, come on, you used to value hooky gear.

You could look up a few old contacts...

Hey, I was a student.

I was broke. That was another time.

Comes in here in his '90s suit and his gelled hair... He has gel!

You're jealous?

You and I split up, right, that's one thing.

My decision, given. You were devastated, sorry!

But within six days... Six days and you are doing the fandango with him!

I was a kid, you'd dumped me, and he told me how well he could dance the fandango...

Oh, this is great...

A brick from the legendary Hanging Gardens of Babylon and you turn it into an episode of Hollyoaks!

So this is an academic decision?

- Yes. - No.

The academic decision would be to focus on the dig we're being paid for.

Neolithic toothpicks aren't glamorous but they pay the rent.

He doesn't!

This is fun. Check out the inscription.

Yes.

Very good fun.

Give you 200 for it, no more.

Ah! That's better... Babylonian.

4th century BC.

Tiamat, goddess of evil.

What a lovely bitch she is.

I could move this on to a German collector I know.

No questions asked. 15,000.

I'm not done yet, Max.

I've never seen anything quite...

It's nice but my clients tend to prefer a little more, ahem, "bling".

Job lot, 20K.

I'll give you the necklace and the brick, Max, but not this.

- Not at that price. - It's only a bit of old carved stone, Jimmy!

This is an ancient cuneiform script.

If you can't find the cash, I'll find another buyer.

So now you're reinvented in the world of politics, what are you trying to achieve back home?

Later this week I will sit down in private with fundraisers for the Sunnis and Shiites.

I will be asking them to redirect their war-chests into unifying Iraq.

We must put an end to sectarian violence if we are to be a great nation again.

Yeah, well good luck with that. Did you order food in? Cos it might take a while.

- How long has Vivienne been working with you? - It's a temporary thing.

We don't really have the funds to keep an intern.

Oh, look, I've got it, I've got it. Dr Colloway!

- Middle-Eastern specialist. - But he only does Saracen stuff, first and second Crusades.

No, before he lost his college post he was writing a book on the sacking of Babylon by Alexander the Great.

Well, thanks for everything.

Kahmil...

- what if you get caught in a compromising position? - Such as?

Such as beating the crap out of an antiquities thief.

- Is that likely? - You were always pretty quick with your fists.

We were kids, Ben. The position I caught you and her in was distinctly adult.

Well, then you shouldn't have let her go, should you?

Oi! What's wrong with you, girly?

Me? Nothing.

Well, do what you're best at and put the kettle on!

When they said archaeology was a science, I didn't know they meant domestic science.

That's it, this baby's going on the website, if Max won't pay, somebody will.

This Max Garris had better check out, Dr Colloway.

Thanks for coming along. You sure Scotland Yard have an Ancient Antiquities Division?

I'll bet they do.

Anyway, it did the trick. Max Garris, do you know him?

- It doesn't ring any bells. - Hopefully I can find an address from this name.

Can I ask you something? If you're organising your own little peace conference, then why are you wasting time chasing this brick?

One brick is how every city in the world begins.

Yeah, and many a mickle makes a muckle. We get those Christmas crackers too.

We could find it for you. In fact I'd love to.

No, thank you again for everything, but I really must do this alone.

"I'd love to, we could find it for you."

'..anyway it did the trick, Max Garris, do you know him?

'I can find an address from this name.'

Babylon, such a wealth of extraordinary history, and then Alexander ransacked it in 331 BC, uptight little bisexual.

Of course he went on to rule just about everywhere.

Including Babylon and its Hanging Gardens.

Do you think Dr Hammadi was right?

About a brick from the Hanging Gardens?

Well, my God, it would be a red letter day at Dolly Towers if it was true.

But I sense this isn't about some brick.

I sense he's after something else.

- What, Gregory? - I don't know.

Yet.

Amwar, it's your brother, I'm getting closer, I can feel it. I have a name, Max Garris. Gillian Magwilde is helping me.

Gillian Magwilde.

- Where is she based out of again? - Wessex.

Yes. Right.

I feel bad keeping her in the dark.