The Neighborhood

Lot of money in the pot, Dave.

You thought you could come over here

and play cards with the big dog?

Well, you about to get bit.

Go ahead, take your best shot.

Do you have any nines?

Go fish. Ha, ha!

Ooh.

Will you look at that? I hooked a nine.

Booyah!

Uh-oh, big dog, you got smoked

by a dude who says "booyah."

Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?

Oh, hey, Hon. I just beat Calvin and Malcolm in Go Fish.

Booyah!

Malcolm, I'm glad you're here.

How do you feel about blind dates?

Oh, to be honest, Gemma, I'm not really into bl...

Great!

Because there's this wonderful new English teacher at school,

Sofia, and I think you two have a lot in common.

Oh, so she also lives at home and takes the bus to work?

Thank you, Gemma, but I don't think so.

My last blind date turned out to have three children.

Well, you like kids.

Yeah, but she brought all of them to dinner.

And one of them was older than me.

I promise you, you have nothing to worry about.

I'm kind of known for my matchmaking skills.

I have a perfect track record.

Well...

What about the Parkers?

Oh, so he has a secret family in Winnipeg and that's on me?

Anyway,

back in Kalamazoo, they called me Dr. Wedding Bells.

Hey, look, I appreciate it, Gemma,

but I'm not that desperate yet.

You're not?

You're playing Go Fish with two married men.

And last night I caught you slow-dancing with a mop.

He'll take it.

Okay, fine. I guess we can go for a drink.

Here you go, man.

Whoa, what's this, Pop?

Uh, just some extra cash in case she brings her kids.

Calvin, I just heard that Terrence Walker died.

Can you believe that?

Absolutely. The man was on his last leg.

He lost the first one in Korea.

Well, apparently, he didn't leave a will,

and now his whole family is fighting over his estate.

What estate?

He had an '81 Buick and a closet full of left shoes.

I don't know, Calvin.

We're not as young as we used to be.

Maybe we should be thinking about making our will.

Oh, no. Baby, we're not old enough to need a will.

I just got carded last week.

That's because the waiter

was trying to give you a senior discount.

Which I did not qualify for.

Calvin, God forbid you died.

I mean, the last thing you would want is for the boys

to have to fight over your stuff.

I'm dead and you're worried about the boys?

Wow, Tina.

Wow.

Hey, brother,

I am meeting a blind date for a drink.

And I really don't want to be here.

So can you call my cell in, like, half an hour?

Say no more. Grandma's in the hospital or fire at home?

Let's not take chances.

Grandma's in the hospital because of the fire at home.

Here's my number.

Hi. Malcolm?

Oh, damn.

Sofia?

Let me guess. You were about to have a sick aunt?

What?

How did you know?

Because I'm getting

a call from my sick aunt.

Never mind, he's cute.

Hey, wait.

We only need a table for the two of us, right?

Yeah. Why?

I'm just checking.

Hey, babe. Whatcha doing?

Just getting some fresh air.

It's a beautiful night.

- The stars are out. - Yeah...

You're waiting for Malcolm.

Where the hell is he?!

Well, if they're not home yet,

the date must have gone well, right?

Not just well. Sofia texted me and said it went great.

Looks like Dr. Wedding Bells

hasn't lost a patient yet.

Well...

I don't know if the Cahills would agree.

Again, not my fault.

If he didn't know he was gay, how was I supposed to?

- Hey, guys. - Enough with the chitchat.

Tell me everything.

Look, there's not much to tell.

It was okay.

Wha...

- Just okay? - Oh.

Time of death: 9:32.

Wha... But Sofia said it went great. What happened?

All right, here's the truth.

She has got this annoying laugh.

A-And I mean, it's really annoying.

How bad is it?

People around us were checking their phones

to see if there was a Amber Alert.

Look, I'm sorry, Gemma,

but that's a deal breaker for me, all right?

Thank you for trying, though.

I can't believe it.

I-It's crazy for something like that to be a deal breaker.

Catching your husband in a Jacuzzi with the mailman I get.

But this? No.

Well, look, Gemma, everyone has their deal breakers.

You know, when I was single, I could never date

someone who littered

or had the same haircut as my mom.

Or lived east of Highway 43.

It is bumpkin central over there.

Dave, I lived east of Highway 43.

Oh, I know.

But once I got to know you better,

I discovered so many of your deal makers

that I forgot about my one deal breaker.

Aw.

Plus, you were the only girl I met from over there

who wasn't in a fight club.

Maybe if I can get Malcolm to see

more of Sofia's good qualities,

he'll get over his deal breaker, just like you did.

I guess.

How long did it take you?

Like, two or three dates?

Yeah, let's go with that.

- Oh, hey, Dad. - Hey, hey.

Oh, y'all watching YouTube videos again?

Play the one where the monkey steals the baby's ice cream.

No, Calvin, I asked Marty to come over

and help us do our wills.

Yeah, I found this website

that does almost all the work for you.

So basically, all you have to do is die.

Boy, I survived black Michael Jackson,

white Michael Jackson

and "Damn, I ain't know he did all that" Michael Jackson.

I ain't going nowhere.

Okay, fine. I'll do it without you.

So leave his truck with Dave.

Over my dead body.

- Exactly. - Exactly.

Fine.

Come on. Let's do this, then.

- Let's-let's do it. - Aw.

Thank you, baby. And I promise you, when we're done,

you can watch your monkey video.

How does that sound?

Good.

Okay, let's get started.

- Hmm. - Uh, "Names, ages..."

Oh, do you want to be buried or cremated?

- Buried. - Buried.

Okay, great. Uh, moving on to the estate.

"In the event that one of you gets remarried..."

Ha! Next question, man.

Whoa. Hold on.

Why is that funny?

'Cause I would never be with another woman after you.

And you definitely couldn't be with another man.

So, Calvin, if you up and die tomorrow,

you would expect me to be single for the rest of my life?

Uh, yeah.

Winnie Mandela did it.

Coretta Scott King did it.

Tina Butler can do it, too.

Mandela, Dr. King.

Why don't you just compare yourself to Jesus?

Well, fine. When I die,

you got three days, and I'm coming back.

Stop playing with me, Tina.

I forbid you to remarry after I die.

Well, if you keep it up, you won't have to.

Hey, who wants to watch a monkey video?

So, you see, Grover,

even though Charlotte dies in the end,

the sacrifices she made for Wilbur the pig

show us what true friendship really is.

All it did was make me want bacon.

Remind me to never let you read Old Yeller.

Hey, Malcolm.