All in the Family

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us, we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

* The fish that got away *

Hey, Edith, there!

Edith?

Edith? You upstairs there, Edith?

If you ain't in the house,

say something to let me know, huh?

I got a big surprise for you, Edith.

Oh, hey! Hi!

I can't kiss ya.

It's okay, Edith, I'll kiss the Brillo pads.

Oh... you're home early.

Well, I would say that you're home late.

Oh, then I would say that's why you're home before I'm home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute.

I'll help you with the load, Edith.

Oh! Thank you...

Yeah, come on. Come on. There.

Yeah, now listen.

I got a big surprise for you. You're gonna guess.

Now, guess what lucky couple is gonna take a weekend trip

up to a cabin in New Hampshire

for fishin' with their best friends,

Barney and Blanche Hefner?

I'll give you a hint, Edith.

One half of the couple is me.

Oh, and the other half is me, right?

Oh, you're sharp today, Edith.

Oh, that's wonderful.

We ain't been on a trip since my cousin Walter's funeral.

Which cousin Walter was that?

The one that died.

Oh, yeah.

I hope it's a nice cabin.

Oh, oh, this is a very nifty cabin, Edith.

It ain't one of your old-fashioned,

rusty cabins, you know?

Oh, no, this one is very modern,

with inside plumbin' and everything.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, yeah, so when nature calls in the dead of night,

you don't have that 60-yard dash into the poison ivy.

Oh, yeah.

Remember?

Oh, you was in torture, Edith.

And the best part of the whole thing,

it ain't gonna cost us nothin', Edith,

which is to say it's gonna absolutely free,

or in other words, gratis.

Well, how come?

'Cause the cabin's owned by Barney's uncle,

and Barney's gonna drive us up there in his car,

but, Edith, we gotta be ready and packed

and waitin' out in front of the house

at 6:30 a.m. in the morning.

In the morning?

In the morning is when 6:30 a.m. usually rolls around.

Oh, no, we can't go no place tomorrow mornin'.

Why not?

Because Mrs. Tally and Mr. Hooper

are getting married tomorrow at 12:00 noon.

Oh, ain't that lovely, Mrs. Tally and Mr. Hooper.

Who the hell are they?

They're from the Sunshine Home.

Oh, the Sunshine Home.

And they're getting married right here in our house.

I told ya. Yeah.

Edith, Edith, now let me ask you somethin'.

Don't you think that people have a hell of a nerve

askin' other people to have their weddings

in other people's houses?

Oh, they didn't ask me, I offered.

I knew that, I knew that!

See, Archie, we gotta be here,

'count of I made a four-part promise,

and I can't go back on that.

I know I'm a jerk for asking this question,

but I gotta.

What the hell's a four-part promise?

Well, first I promised 'em they could be married

here in our house.

Bad.

And second,

I promised that I'd be the matron of honor.

Worse.

And third, I promised you'd be the best man.

Worser!

And fourth, I promised I'd sing "Oh, Promise Me."

Worsest of all!

Edith, Edith, darling,

do ya love me?

Do I love you? Oh, Archie...

How much do you love me?

How much do I love you?

I'll tell you no lie.

* How deep is the ocean? *

* How high is the sky? *

I got my answer, Edith.

No more, no more.

You told me, Edith. Don't go on with this.

Cut, cut, cut.

Cut!

Now, get on the horn and call the Sunshine Home,

and tell them people no dice.

Oh, no, I can't do that, Edith.

This is costin' money up here, Edith, come on.

Archie, I can't disappoint them nice two old people.

Why can't Barney wait till after the weddin'?

We could leave by 12:30.

No, no, no, that shoots half of the day.

Don't you understand it takes five hours to drive up there,

if you're lucky,

and the only reason we're lucky

is Barney drives like a maniac.

We could take the train, that would be faster.

There ain't no train into Lake Winnipesaukee.

Jeez, the Indians can't even find it with a canoe.

Well, then how are we gonna find it in Barney's car?

Ah, don't pick me up.

You're trying to make a vicious argument

out of this thing here.

No, I know, we'll fly. How about that?

The last time you flew,

you used up every barf bag in economy class.

Oh, Archie, please--

No, Edith, no!

Now, case closed. Case closed.

We leave early in the mornin',

when the crows cock.

No, Archie, please.

Court is adjourned,

court is adjourned,

court is adjourned.

You always get your own way.

Oh, come on, will you?

Yes, you do. You do.

I do not.

Yeah, yeah, when Gloria was born,

I wanted to call her Jeanette.

Oh, jeez, here we go, back to chapter one.

After Jeanette MacDonald, my favorite movie star,

but, no, we called her Gloria

'cause you didn't like Jeanette MacDonald.

Because her voice went through my head like a nail.

And you didn't wanna name her after Jeanette MacDonald, anyway.

You wanted to name her after Jeanette Gavarres,

your friend with the fat ankles and the pop eyes.

No, that ain't true. I wanted to name her after Jeanette MacDonald.

Let us not continue with this fruitless, loopless argument.

It is so old.

What about our first apartment?

And, naturally, that's older.

I wanted to live in Jersey,

but you wanted to live in Queens,

so we lived in Queens.

Queens is closer to my work.

And further from my family.

That thought never crossed my mind.

Oh...

Oh, come on, Edith.

Let's not make a fight about this thing.

I tell you what I do, Edith, I'll make you a deal.

If you leave with me tomorrow--

Yeah, at 12:30.

Let me finish-- at 6:30 a.m.,

I'll let you call Gloria Jeanette.

Now, that's the best I can do for you.

Oh, jeez, my knees.

Oh, no, Archie, that's dumb.

Don't say "dumb" when my knees are hurtin' me!

Archie, we can't go till after the weddin'!

This is the most important thing that ever happened

to them two people,

and we gotta help 'em enjoy it.

I don't wanna hear no more about it.

If you ain't ready to leave

at 6:30 in the morning, I'm gonna leave without you.

Oh, jeez.

Edith-- Oh, jeez.

Edith, Edith.

Edith, where's my thanks for all I do, huh?

Payin' for the food, the clothes,

the taxes, the household utilities, huh?

All day long on the job, workin' my butt off.

What about me? I'm here all day workin' my butt off!

Oh, my God.

If your mother was here

to hear that comin' out of your mouth.

I'm glad she died, Edith.

That killed everything you said up to that point,