Idiotsitter

If you're watching this VHS--yes, VHS.

I bought thousands of 'em. I've got to use 'em somehow.

Anyway, if you're watching this,

it means--

well, it means I'm dead.

Oh, my God.

I'm joshing you, Billie. I'm not dead.

However, the same cannot be said of the wood in this house.

It is--it is infested with termites,

so Tanzy and I,

we're headed off to Mexico for the weekend to,

you know, avoid the fumes.

I'm sure you can handle everything.

I've already called the exterminator.

- You're welcome. - Thank you.

Uh, well, that's it. End communication.

Hi.

I'm Fran, the exterminator.

I let myself in, like the bugs.

Ahh.

Ha ha!

So this is our most ecofriendly option,

kind of gets rid of the termites without getting rid of the bees,

which apparently we need.

It takes a week,

and it works approximately 20% of the time.

Don't love those odds.

We also have this option here.

It's our most popular.

It does leave a residual smell,

kind of like a really old coffee.

I enjoy it personally,

and that one works, eh, a solid 35% of the time.

Do you have anything that works all the time?

Or...

- I mean... - Oh.

Can I trust you?

Can you trust--yes.

- I can trust you. - Yes.

Okay.

I mean, you can't tell anybody this, okay?

I've been working on a solution, a mixture...

Uh-huh.

In a little shed outside in the back--

What is it?

It's--it's actually my ticket out of this uniform.

Okay.

I named it after my sick kid.

Did I tell you I have a sick kid?

- No, I just met you. - Yeah.

- His name's Rico. - Okay.

That's a nice name.

Anyway, the formula?

It's just, you can't tell anybody about it, okay?

- I mean, I swear. - Okay.

- I swear on my sick kid. - Oh, okay.

You don't have to do that.

So that main--

what do you call that little guest house out there?

- That's clear. - Guest house.

Yeah, this main house,

you're gonna have to tent the whole thing.

You know what that means, don't you?

Oh, my God, have you been there the whole time?

Slumber party! Right?

I'm in. I mean, I don't know about Rico, but...

I'm in.

I think she just means us.

Oh, no, he can come.

I didn't do it.

100% termites.

We'll do the weird top-secret formula. Not weird.

We'll do the--we'll do Rico.

- It's ringing. - Shh.

Hello?

- You do it. - No, you.

Joy?

This is the policia.

Your parents, they--they died.

Yeah, they died two years ago.

Hang up before she knows who it is.

Okay. Sorry, Joy. It's Gene and Billie.

What are you doing?

Oh, I don't know.

This is fun, though, right?

Slumber party was a good call, huh?

Thank you. I've actually never been to one.

Moms used to always say that I was, like,

too loud or something. - Yeah.

I never knew what they were talking about.

- I can see that. - You can see what?

The too loud thing.

Like personality or just vocally?

- Vocally. - Yeah.

Well, you--obviously, you know my whole history

with slumber parties.

No.

- I don't want to talk about it. - Cool.

I mean, I was invited to one once.

- W-- - I--

But I choose not to discuss it.

All right, yeah, I mean, if it's a bummer,

I don't care about hearing it.

I said I don't want to talk about it.

Yeah.

All right.

The elephant's already in the room, you know?

Might as well give it a peanut.

- The elephant? - The--give the elephant--

Give the elephant a peanut?

Tell my story, my tale of woe.

Is your story about an elephant getting a peanut?

No, it's about a slumber party.

Oh, I don't want to hear that then.

Oh.

That's her.

Deborah Denise.

Ooh, two first names. What a bitch.

Which one are you?

Oh, Jesus, you look like a western ghost.

Yeah, I started high school two years early,

so I hadn't developed yet.

Plus, I dressed like Temple Grandin.

Oh, well, at least you got invited to a slumber party.

- That's cool. - Yeah, but that's it.

It was a joke.

When I got there, they all threw flour at me.

They antiqued you?

Yeah, and they used to call me "Grandma Billie"

because they thought... - Sorry.

I was, like, buttoned-up and boring, which is,

like, totes cray, right?

Don't say that.

Plus, it didn't help that I had foot surgery freshman year,

so I had to walk with a cane.

Well, I wouldn't go to Deborah Denise's stupid slumber party

if she paid me to.

- I would. - Really?

I mean only if she paid me.

I don't have a lot of money right now.

Hey!

Knock it off, girl.

Stop!

Stop saying stupid stuff, and I will, girl.

Stop saying "girl."

That was a good one.

Get it, Grandma.

You got it, Grandma.

I'm not a grandma, Deborah Denise!

I hope you never have children and they don't have children,

so you will never be a grandma!

You bitch!

Should we just do something else?

Sorry.

Smokin'!

I will reveal my croissant.

From "The Mask," the movie.

Oh, God. I love Cher.

What?

Never have I ever made out with your dad.

Something you think I have done.

Oh. Okay, sorry about that.

I dare you to eat a tube of toothpaste.

I'd eat a little bite.

Burn your closet. Cut yourself. Cut yourself.

- Truth. Truth. - Sweet bong.

That's not a bong. That's my sleep apnea mask.

- Where's your weed? - I don't want to talk about it.

Then we're not going to.

Name a movie star you'd like to have as your big brother.

That is tough one. Ira Glass.

No, that's too sexy.

Never have I ever made out with my dad.

Oh, my God.

You made out with my dad?

No, I was just choking.

How was he?

Gross.

Not a good kisser?

When your first kiss was.

22.

22 years or 22 months?

Ed Begley, Jr.

Ed Begley, Jr.

Oops. I guess we're done.

What are we gonna do next?

Play hide-and-seek?

58, 59, 60.

Ready or not, here I come!

I'm actually pretty good at this, Gene.

I was hide-and-seek champion in my middle school.

They had to close down the school

and bring in scent dogs to..

Find me.

Oh, no.

Gene!

Gene?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Gene!