Mike & Molly

All right, officers.

One beef and cheese deluxe, french fries and orange-flavored beverage.

Thank you, my brother. Knock it down for me.

Boo-yow!

All right, it is knocked down.

And for you, large man.

One plain wiener, no bun, no sauerkraut, no chili, no mustard...

...no pickle, no cheese, no relish--

No tip, give it to me.

Excuse me to inquire...

...but this meager meal seems insufficient for a man of your tremendous girth.

Well, I'm just trying to drop a couple of pounds.

May I suggest you move to my country...

...where everyone is fashionably thin, due to lack of food.

New diet?

I read about it in a magazine at the dentist office.

-Men's Fitness? -No.

-Esquire? -No.

-Maxim? -No.

-Sports Illustrated? -Modern Bride, okay?

Hey. That's none of my business.

You better get married quick because you're starting to show.

It happens to be a good diet and I'm losing weight.

I'm going to the gym three times a week and a half hour every morning on the bike.

Well, be careful with that.

I read an article that said those bicycles wreak havoc on a pair of testicles.

What are we talking about, a little numbness or that time I sat on my Taser?

Well, apparently, the angle of the seat, it restricts blood flow...

...causing low sperm count and/or possible impotence.

-Really? I never heard that. -You ain't gonna read that in Modern Bride.

Pick up this month's copy of American Balls.

Hey, how about we hit a couple of clubs up after we get off, huh?

Have a few drinks, maybe find some bad girls who wanna cop some pleas.

Or even better, please some cops?

Do you listen to yourself when you talk?

No, thanks, I got an OA meeting.

You're kidding me. Overeaters Anonymous on a Friday night?

That is pathetic.

Oh, I'm pathetic? Which one of us lives with his grandma?

I'm over there because she's old and frail and needs somebody to look after her.

She mows the lawn, Carl.

After I start it up for her and push her in the right direction.

Fine. Whatever you need to live with yourself...

...and your grandma.

I would shoot you right now, but I don't have enough chalk to outline your body.

She's a brick

Uh, uh, uh, house, uh, uh, uh

She's mighty, mighty Just letting it all hang out

Because she's a brick Hmm, hmm, house, hmm, hmm, hmm

Shake it down, shake it down Shake it down, down

Shake it down, shake it down Shake it down, down

Shake it down, shake it

Ma, do you have to eat that in front of me?

Oh, I'm sorry, baby, want a bite?

What do you think I'm doing on this machine here, making butter?

Oh, baby, why are you punishing yourself?

Face it, you're a big-boned girl.

You're always gonna be a big-boned girl.

Bones don't jiggle, Mom.

You just gotta accept the fact that you got your daddy's genes.

I mean, if you had a turkey leg in one hand and the other hand down your pants...

...I'd swear he was risen from the dead.

God, this is moist.

Do I smell your double chocolate blackout cake?

Fresh out of the oven.

Ha-ha-ha, give me.

Mmm.

VlCTORlA: Mmm.

Oh, Mom, this is incredible.

-This time, instead of milk, I used pudding. -Mm-hm.

Well, bravo. That must be why it's so smooth and creamy.

For God's sakes, why are you doing this to me?

-What? What are we doing? -What are we doing?

Never mind.

I've burned off my, uh, 12 calories.

Just gonna go to my OA meeting.

Oh, Mol, you're never gonna meet a cute guy at the chub club.

I'm not going to meet guys. I'm going for support.

Not that I don't get more than enough right here.

Whoa, where'd that come from?

Where did that come from? Are you kidding me?

Okay, I'm trying to watch my diet, I'm trying to exercise...

...and you two are trying to make me fatter.

You're not fat. You're big-boned.

And I'm just trying to get you laid.

Ugh.

Why don't you take her to one of those lesbo clubs?

-Now, they seem to like the beefy gals. -Hmm.

You really didn't have to come with me.

Hey, you said you wanted to be supported.

-I'm supporting. -Okay, ah--

-Where are you going? The meeting's here. -Go ahead.

I'm gonna sneak into the little girls' room and light up a fatty.

No offense, fellas.

-Hi, my name's Mike. I'm an overeater. Hi, Mike.

I had a pretty fair week. I lost 3 pounds.

Hey. Yeah.

Then I took off my shirt and I found it right about here.

Anyway, diet-wise, I did have one tiny setback this week.

I was at the grocery store...

...and they were having a sale on those fun-size candies for Halloween.

Uh, I picked up a bag, figuring I'm gonna need something for the trick-or-treaters.

Before I know it, I'm standing in front of the checkout...

...with 19 of the fun bastards jammed in my mouth, trying to say:

"Plastic."

Hallelujah, right?

Then, of course, the self-loathing kicks in.

Voices in my head start telling me what a loser I am...

...how no one's ever gonna love me...

...how I'm gonna spend the last few years of my life alone in a dark apartment...

...my only companions, six or seven cats...

...that made the mistake of wandering into my gravitational field.

The bottom line is, I know those voices are lying.

And I know all I gotta do is work this program one day at a time.

That's why I start every morning by getting on my knees...

...and asking God to give me the strength to stay on my diet.

And then I pray that he gives me the strength to get my fat ass up off the floor.

MlKE: Anyway, thank you.

Hey.

Damn it, one of y'all got to inhale.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Now that your meeting's over, you might wanna have some fun.

Sure. Wanna go get some TCBY?

Hell, yeah. Couple of single guys on a Friday night, let's get all up in some yogurt.

Hey, I really liked your share.

Oh, thank you.

-You're pretty funny. -lf everybody's laughing...

...they won't try to kill and cook each other.

-Molly. -Mike.

Hey, there you are.

Where did you go?

Went looking for a snack machine and all l found were these crackers up in the church.

Really dry.

Do you know of a good place around here where I could get a pizza?

What do you think?

This is my sister, Victoria.

-Hi, Victoria. -Hello, Victoria.

Officer Carl MacMillan, Chicago PD.

Whoa, you're a cop?

-Yeah, Mike and l, we're both cops. -Ha, ha.

Great. I love cops.

Cops are great.

I'm not high.

Anyhoo, uh, I'm a fourth-grade teacher...

...and I'd love to have a police officer come and speak to my class.

Oh, absolutely. Just contact the department.

They'll send somebody right over.

Oh, all right.

Or you can give Officer Biggs your number and he can come talk to your class himself.

Even better.

Oh, uh, okay. Well, are you looking for, like, general information or scared straight?

Well, they're 9 years old, so scare the hell out of them.

Kidding. Just be funny and charming like you were in the meeting.

-Okay. -Great. Call me.

-I will. -All right.

Has it been a long time since I've talked?

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Tell me why we let them go. The pothead had jungle fever...

...and you could've gotten the other one with a taffy apple.

I'm not letting her go. I just don't wanna come off as desperate.

-Yeah, but you are desperate. -No. I'm lonely and miserable.

There's a difference.

And what is that difference?

Shut up. You live with your grandma.

I wish these uniforms were a little more flattering, you know? Blousier.

Who you trying to fool?

I mean, you met her at an OA meeting.

She sticks her hand under there and doesn't find a man bra, she's gonna be ecstatic.

You know, uh, I was thinking about asking her to go to the aquarium with me.

-The aquarium? The first date? -Yeah. Uh-huh.

-Let me ask you something. -What?

You ever been on a second date?

-Hold it right there, fella. -Yes, sir?

-You wanna go to jail? -No, sir.

Then get over there and wash your hands.

All right, people, settle down.

I want you to give your attention...

...and your respect to Officer Michael Biggs of the Chicago Pol--

Shut up!

Chicago Police Department.

-Officer Biggs? -Okay.

-Uh, thank you. -Mm-hmm.

First, I'd like to say, there are a lot of misconceptions...

...about what it is a police officer actually does.

My dad says you guys are all on the take.

-Gary, I told you not-- -No, no, that's okay.

Gary, that's one of the misconceptions I was talking about.

On TV and in the movies, they like to make you think there's corruption--

My mom says you guys only go after people of color.

-Well, jeez, that's not true at all. -You calling my mom a liar?

Uh, why don't we save all of our questions for the end?

You know what? This is good.

I mean, questions lead to a give-and-take and stimulate discussion.