All in the Family

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

Edith! Edith, come on! I'm in a hurry.

I want you to come out and take a look at me now.

Huh? Oh!

What do you think, huh? Ah!

What do you think? Just give me a little check out here, huh?

I mean, is it rich enough for the boss

of a new saloon opening tonight, huh?

Oh! You look very important.

Except for your face, you look like Johnny Carson.

Uh-oh! I got a riddle for ya.

A riddle?

What does an airplane do?

What does an-- I don't know, fly?

Yours is open.

Ow! Oh!

Oh, my!

Caught my little finger in the propeller.

Oh, Archie, I'm afraid you're gonna be so tired

tomorrow at the loading dock.

I know I'm gonna be tired tomorrow at the loading dock,

Edith, that's why I ain't going tomorrow to the loading dock.

That's why I want you to get on the blower here,

you're gonna call up Mr. Sanders' secretary Velma, see,

and tell her that once again, I'm too sick to work.

Archie, if you call in sick once more,

you're gonna lose your job.

Well, Edith, let's face it, that could be in the cards.

Archie, your job's the only thing we can count on!

I mean, with all the mortgage payments and everything--

Edith, please!

On the biggest night of my life, don't spoil it with them things there.

Now when I get her on the phone, you just tell her that,

uh, I had a bad fish.

I wouldn't cook you a bad fish.

You wouldn't cook me a bad fish.

Just tell her that the fish went bad once it got inside me.

Uh, hello, hello.

Could I speak to Mr. Sanders' offices, please?

Oh, no, Archie. I'm sorry.

I-I can't lie like that.

You give me an hour any Sunday after church, I'll teach you how.

Uh, is that you, Velma?

Uh, listen, Velma,

I-I'm very feverish, you know?

Yeah. I'm on fire.

Hot all over.

No, this ain't an obscene phone call, Velma.

This-this is Archie Bunker.

I just want you to tell Mr. Sanders

that once again I'm calling in sick for tomorrow.

Yeah-- What do you mean "before"?

Well, yeah, but how was I supposed to sound there before,

chewing on a thermometer?

Just tell Mr. Sanders what I told you, huh, Velma?

Yeah, thanks. I gotta run, bye.

Good-bye. Good-bye, Velma. Good-bye.

Big mouth.

Hey, Edith, come on, will ya? I can't wait. I gotta hurry.

Archie, I'm fixing dinner. Ain't you gonna eat?

Edith, the boss ain't got no time to sit down for dinner, don't you know that?

A boss gotta gulp on the run. Hey, that's the meaning of success.

Oh, I know. Yeah.

Wait a minute. This is for luck.

Aww.

Hey, you're a little proud of me, huh?

Oh, of course I am.

And no matter how successful you get,

I know you'll still be the same loveable Archie.

Ah, yeah.

I'll never get so big that I can't look down on my own family.

Okay, we'll be down later. Yeah, swell.

Swell. Oh, here's Gloria!

I made these sandwiches for your opening.

Okay, we'll bring them down with us. Oh, okay.

Hey, little girl, what do you think of the old man?

How's it look, huh? Wonderful, wonderful!

That's great. Well, okay. Mwah!

I'll see yous both down at Archie's Place, huh?

* Ah-ah Archie ba-bum, that's me! *

* Ba-ba-ba-bum *

Bye, Daddy!

Bye! See you later!

I hate that jacket.

So do I!

That's me.

"Grand Opening."

I like it better with an "E", but what the hell.

Okay, here I am. Look alive, look alive, boys!

You're early. I gotta be early.

There's things to attend to here, you know?

To remind you what condition your apron's in.

You want me to change it?

What, do you think I'm made of money?

Turn it around to the clean side.

This is the clean side.

Hey, Carlos.

All laughing and signs of happiness on your marijuana break, huh?

Okay. Did you put the powder in the toilet?

Why? Because I like the classy blue water.

Do it.

Now, Harry, listen to me. We're in this thing together.

Jeez!

Harry, there's a spring in this stool that does nasty things.

Can't you get some tools and push that back down in there, huh?

Some woman comes in and sits on that thing,

and she belts the innocent guy next to her.

Don't give me dirty looks. Fix this!

Don't give me so many orders. I'm doing it!

Why don't you cool it, Arch?

Because you're a boss don't mean you gotta get an ulcer the first day!

Listen, Harry, if it takes an ulcer to make a success out of this joint,

I'll take ulcers back to back.

What ever happened to you?

It seems like only yesterday you were one of the guys,

coming in here to drink a few beers and get away from their wives.

Everybody liked ya.

That's all finished, Harry. You know?

Nice guys finish last, as Carter said to Lance.

Who's talking about nice?

You jumped from "barely acceptable" to "pain in the butt."

Harry, what the hell are you sore about?

You wanna know what I'm sore about?

I'll tell ya.

I worked behind this bar for Kelsey for 10 years,

just waiting for my chance to take over.

And you aced me out of it!

Well, I'm the boss, Harry, and you better get used to that!

Listen, did you ever stop and think

that maybe you ain't naturally cut out to be a boss?

How the hell would you know?

Harry, if God wanted you to be a boss,

then why did He, in His infinite wisdom,

make you look so perfect in an apron?

Well, there's one thing a bartender can do that a boss can't.

What?

Quit!

Oh, come on, Harry, you ain't gonna quit.

Yes, I am! I'm going down to McFeeney's bar!

He's been after me for months!

Are you kidding? McFeeney's?

Nobody goes there no more. That joint is a cemetery.

They tell me the jukebox plays Taps.

Well, let me tell you something.

I brought the customers in here,

and I'm gonna take 'em down the block with me to McFeeney's!

Harry, Archie's customers belong in Archie's Place.

What are you telling me? My customers are gonna leave me to follow you?

That's right! They're gonna follow me right down the block to McFeeney's!

No, they ain't! They ain't gonna follow you no place there!

Nobody's gonna follow you! And let me tell you something, Harry!

You could rub liver on your behind and cats wouldn't even follow you!

Wait a minute!

Where are you going?

If Harry goes, I go.

Well, where are you gonna work?

Are you kidding? In this land of opportunity?

Somewhere out there, a carwash is waiting.

After all I done for you.

Is this all you got to say to me?

No, there's one more thing. What?

Zip up your fly!

Gee, don't be yelling out in the street. What a no class thing to do.

Oh! Look at the sign!

Daddy, you fixed it up so great!

Hey, it looks great, Archie! Hey, I know.

Everything looks beautiful, beautiful, but I'm in big trouble here.

Why, what's the matter, Archie?

Here it is, opening night, I'm all alone. I ain't got no staff.

Well, where is Harry and Carlos?

Ah, I fired the two of them.

What for?

For doing something rotten.

What did they do?

They quit.

Oh, Archie! Well, we can help ya!

I can be the hostess and show people to the table!

Could you do that, Edith? Sure!

But, Daddy, I could wait on tables.

Could you do that? Oh, wait till you see.

Yeah, and I'll help you behind the bar, Arch.

Could you do that? Well, I--I can draw beers.

I don't know if I can mix drinks, but I'll do the best I can.

Oh, well, listen, that's--that's all right.

Nothing to worry about the mix drink. Look, here's Harry's bartender's guide.

There, see, and anyway, most the people come in here, they only drink beers.

One guy-- Charlie McCree-- he comes in with his mother.

We call her Mother McCree.

Ah! Draw one light and two martinis, very dry.

Hold the lemon, hold the olive, and hold the ice.