Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Okay, great.

I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks, doctor.

Have a good one.

Hey there, sarge.

Not to pry but I couldn't help but overhear...

You're going to the doctor? Everything okay?

I'm getting a vasectomy.

My ears are burning. Did someone say "vasectomy?"

I got snipped. No big deal.

Just numbs you out from trunk to skunk

for a year.

It's not supposed to.

"Trunk to skunk"?

Hold it up.

You're gonna let some quack doctor

just knife around down there?

You are blessed with a great power.

And you should never snip its wings.

You should let it soar.

Thanks guys, that's enough. I don't need anymore input.

Neither does your wife, I guess.

Look, you guys,

if the sergeant wants to chop off his penis,

that is his choice.

That's not what a vasectomy is.

If you guys don't get back to work,

I'm gonna start firing detectives.

And blanks!

Sorry. I just never think of jokes.

Anybody else? This is your last chance.

Oh, God. No need to be so testes.

Guess you won't be manning the "tip line."

Sergeant, is this gonna go on your "sperm-anent record"?

"Scrotal recall"!

Hey sarge, great news.

I just got assigned such a dope stabbing.

Sorry, the stabbing part is bad.

The guy survived

and he owns a chocolate milk restaurant.

Seriously? I know, right?

Finally, a dumb Brooklyn hipster trend

my mouth and I can get behind.

Wanna hop on the case with me?

We're a killer team.

Jeffords and Peralta.

Jake and Terry.

Chocolate and milk.

I mean, I'm the chocolate

and you're the milk 'cause you're so full of protein!

Don't be mad! Just do the case!

Okay, but I have my vasectomy today.

So I need to be back in a few hours

to catch my ride to the doctor's.

My neighbor's driving me

because my wife's out of town with the girls.

Why don't I drive you?

I don't know.

I guess I didn't really think of you as that kind of friend.

Sarge, I'm every kind of friend.

I'm Phoebe, I'm Chandler, I'm Rachel, I'm...

Who's the dinosaur guy?

Ross, bro! Ross!

Sorry, I forgot you were such a ross-head.

So look, we'll work this thing together

and afterwards, I will be your friend chariot

to the penis-removal of the century.

The new NYPD commissioner is planning

a complete reorganization of the force.

But first, he'll be sending a deputy chief

to every precinct to conduct a top to bottom evaluation.

What? When? Are we gonna be graded?

Or is this just some pass/fail garbage?

Scale of one-to-five.

That's how many letter grades there are.

Feels like they're just being weird using numbers

instead of letters.

Yeah, they're being weird right now.

Boyle. Diaz.

I want the evidence room organized beyond reproach.

Santiago, when I greet the deputy chief,

I want you there by my side to make a good impression.

No offense, but you are something

of a teacher's pet.

None taken! People love their pets.

Good news is our evaluation will be done

by deputy chief Brandt.

We have a good rapport. He was once my captain.

So he's kind of like our grand-captain.

That is amazingly funny.

Well, I was closing up around 11:00.

I heard the door open.

I just figured it was some "milkers."

That's what we call our regulars.

Do ya?

Anyway, next thing I know, the guy stabs me in the back

like... like right here!

Like some kind of psycho wuss!

Can you think of anyone who might wanna harm you?

Yeah.

I mean, you don't get into this line of business

to make friends.

Really? I would think making chocolate milk

is a great way to make friends.

I don't have proof, but the guy who did this

to me is my business partner, Gregory Phillips.

He's still pissed at me because I banned him

from my 'straunt.

He was supposed to be my silent partner,

but he wasn't silent.

He was trying to control everything.

Here, try this.

All right, here we go. Finally!

All right.

Oh! Ugh! It's so bitter!

What's wrong with this chocolate milk?

Dark milk isn't chocolate milk.

This is teat-to-mouth raw cow's milk.

The bitterness of the chocolate

brings out the sourness in the milk.

That's the worst part of both of those things!

Uh, time for my appointment, Jake.

Yup, got it.

All right, we'll look into this and get back to you.

Okay, sarge.

Hate to be "that kind of a friend,"

but let's go chop off that penis.

Where were you? This is chaos.

Gina's been filing evidence by "perp hotness."

I'm so sorry, I just got some bad news.

My sister was gonna go with me to an engagement party

but she had to cancel.

So go alone. Maybe you'll meet some new bag.

It's my ex-wife Eleanor's engagement party.

I can't go alone.

I'm worried it might seem a little pathetic.

Yeah, if only you could've gone with your sister.

Dude, why are you going

to your ex-wife's engagement party at all?

She and her fiance, Hercules, are also my landlords.

I mean, it's not like I can avoid them.

I live in their basement.

Hey!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? No.

You could go with me. Can't.

I have a date tomorrow night. Okay.

I will figure something out.

I know!

Maybe if I pay my neighbor, Joann,

she'll ditch her wife for the night!

Captain, I don't know if this is too much

but I got deputy chief Brandt this little basket of pears.

They look ripe and crispy.

Hello, Raymond.

Captain Wuntch. Good to see you.

But if you're here,

who's guarding Hades?

It's deputy chief Wuntch now.

Unsurprisingly, I've been promoted above you.

And now I'm here to evaluate you.

What happened to Brandt?

He retired and moved to Charleston

to be closer to his grandchildren.

So much for dying at your desk with a little dignity.

Interesting.

I will attempt to cooperate with you.

Under these new circumstances.

Don't sweet-talk me, Holt.

I gave it my best shot. Let's begin.

Hey, hey!

How'd it go?

Is his voice all high-pitched now?

What? No, of course not.

Of course not.

Jake!

The doctors made me into a superhero!

I am so strong!

And they made me black!

He's on a lot of medication.

We weren't able to do the procedure.

Your friend is so large...

That you needed a bigger saw to get through his dingus?

No, his body is so physically massive

that we didn't have enough anesthesia on hand.

He needs a much larger dose.

Psst... psst... Jake.

Sometimes I can't tell my twin baby girls apart,

so I call them both "boo-boo."

Wow. So he has no filter whatsoever?

None.

I'm gonna take ya home now, sarge.

Hey, what do you think of captain Holt?

He needs to smoke some weed.

Yes!

Thank you, Dr. Penis-off!

Okay, in ya go. You're okay.

Whoo! Cool!

Dude, your head is so small!

Like a...

No, no, it's so small!

All right.