Love, Simon

I'm just like you.

For the most part, my life is totally normal.

Happy birthday. No!

My dad was the annoyingly handsome quarterback

who married the hot valedictorian.

And, no, they didn't peak in high school.

I have a sister I actually like.

Not that I'd ever tell her that.

And last year, and 200 episodes of Chopped ago...

she decided she wanted to be a chef.

Which means we're pretty much all her test subjects now.

Is it spicy, Jack?

Oh! Gracious. Oh, my gosh.

And then there's my friends.

Two of them, I've known since pretty much the beginning of time.

- Or at least kindergarten. - No. No.

- Oh! Sorry! - Okay. How 'bout that?

One of them, I just met a few months ago,

but it feels like I've known her forever.

We do everything friends do.

We drink way too much iced coffee,

watch bad '90s movies and hang out at Waffle House

dreaming of college and gorging on carbs.

So, like I said.

I'm just like you.

I have a totally, perfectly normal life.

Except I have one huge-ass secret.

Hey! Morning! Oh!

- Hey! - Sorry.

I didn't realize you were masturbating.

Yeah, very funny.

Your sister's downstairs making some

la-di-da pancake thing she saw on Top Chef,

so we should probably go eat that.

Great. I'll be down in just a second.

Okay. Right after you finish searching the internet for...

lingerie photos of Gigi Habib?

It's Hadid.

Right. I didn't realize she was your girlfriend.

All right, finish up here.

You got me.

Morning, guys.

Simon, have a seat, honey.

Morning, Simon. You gotta eat your breakfast.

Please don't tell me

that breakfast is the most important meal of the day

because that is just so cliché. You're better than that.

I was gonna say breakfast lowers LDL cholesterol

and prevents fluctuating glucose levels

that lead to type two diabetes. Oh!

Touché.

Nora. These are incredible.

Cornmeal pancakes with blackberry compote.

But they're not crumbly enough.

Stop it. They're perfect.

Eat up, Bieber.

Okay, I didn't put very much powder...

- See you, guys. - See you, Simon.

Hey, honey. Be back by seven! It's TV night.

Hey!

Morning!

It's Simon! I live right here!

I like your boots!

Okay, bye!

God damn.

Yo! Yo!

Had the craziest dream last night.

Hey, Nick, you have the craziest dream every night.

You don't understand. I'm in this cave, right?

Or maybe it's in outer space.

David Beckham is there with these two contact lenses

and then like, blue one or red one, like he's a sexy

Morpheus from Matrix.

And I don't know which one to pick.

I don't know what to do with these things.

Oh, my God. Have you guys seen CreekSecrets today?

First of all, you are obsessed with that blog, so...

Okay, but apparently, Becca Peterson

got caught giving Ryan O'Donovan an HJ in the pool.

That's the real reason they drained it.

- Man, our janitor needs a raise. - Oh, my God.

And an HPV vaccine.

Leah, I have this dream, right?

Nick, we have a rule, remember?

No analyzing dreams before coffee.

Hi, could we get four iced coffees, please?

Oh, could you get Abby's with milk? She likes milk.

One with milk. What are you, her barista?

It's not hard to remember "with milk."

Thank you.

Hey!

Hey. Hey.

Oh, thank you. I am figuratively dying.

So, Abby, last night I dreamt

I put the wrong contacts in my eyes.

- Another dream. You're like... - Hmm.

You're like the love child of

Sigmund Freud and Cristiano Ronaldo.

Oh, my God. Thanks.

Now, look. I can't see anything

and I'm stumbling around in this cave,

crashing into stuff, and then, I wake up.

- That's it? - Yeah.

Maybe it's something that you're not seeing clearly.

Like something that's, like, right in front of your face.

What am I not seeing?

No idea.

Ooh! Ooh!

We should be hot Pokémon for Halloween.

Oh, yeah. But I get to be slutty Charmander.

Cool scarf, Ethan.

Hope it doesn't get caught in your vagina.

Great choice on the cargo pants, by the way.

It looks like you got gangbanged by a T.J. Maxx.

Whatever, fag.

Honestly, it's just

not even a challenge anymore.

Dicks.

Wish Ethan wouldn't make it so easy for them.

Yeah, well, at my old school,

that would have been settled with a knife fight.

Good morning, Creekwood High!

Come on, phones off!

There's a whole world to look at!

You can look people in the eyes!

Gah! Yeah.

Stop with the selfies. You're not all that.

I'll see you guys at lunch. Yeah.

Wow! Simonay.

Look at those new kicks, my brother.

Where'd you get those? Where could I get a pair of those?

I forget. Sorry. You forget?

Come on, you gotta let me know the brand!

I want to be sneaker brothers.

Oh, I see more phones! Who took your phones now?

Me! Me! Me took your phones now! You can get 'em at my office!

I can't believe we have to be off book, in like, two weeks.

Seriously, Sally Bowles never shuts the eff up.

Don't you wish you were talentless like me?

Here. Let me show you a thing or two.

Because then you could just be living

the easy life as company member number eight.

Well, well, well...

If it isn't my fellow thespians.

Hey, Martin.

Hey, Spier. Hey, Abby.

Hi.

Excited to rehearse with you later.

Hey, uh, so, fun fact.

You know that Cabaret was actually based off a play

called I Am Camera?

Then I Am a Camera was based off this novel

called Goodbye to Berlin.

And Goodbye to Berlin was actually based off

Christopher Isherwood's

early years in Berlin.

Wow. That's awesome. I have homeroom.

Yeah. All right.

Well, I think she found that interesting.

Bye, Martin.

Bye, big boy.

Suraj! Now.

Come on. You know the drill.

I've had an inspiration. How about The Affair?

No. No. We cannot watch The Affair as a family.

Why not?

Because it's all about sex.

Oh, well, God forbid we should watch people make love.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God. You guys are so repressed.

Don't therapize us, okay? We are not your patients.

- We're your family. - That's true.

If you were my patients, you'd be much more well-adjusted.

Oh. Nice therapy burn, baby. Thank you.

She got you. You know what?

We didn't see last week's episode of The Bachelor.

How did that guy even become the bachelor?

Why?

Well, he's clearly gay.

No, he's not. Really?

- He's handsome. - That date, where he took the girl

to the "make your own perfume" place?

Dad! The producers plan those dates.

He is so fruity. He's so fruity.

He's a one-man pride parade. Are you kidding me?

- He has more chemistry - Just stop it.

with Chris Harrison than any of those girls.

After this, I gotta show you something.

Okay? Let's watch The Americans.

Every single episode, you here next to me.

So your mother decided that we should make

each other anniversary presents this year.

You know, so they came from the heart, or some crap.

Anyway, I decided to come up with this bad boy.

Look at this.

I present to you, a Jack Spier production.

Wait, wait.

Look at that!

Oh, it's so good.

Look at this. Wait, wait, wait.