Visit to a Small Planet

And in remote outer reaches of the universe,

past civilizations as we know it,

is a galactic system called, the Milky Way.

Now this minor galaxy

contains in its backwards area.

A rather piddling star

known as: The Sun.

With a really pitiful array of planets.

So much for our lesson in space geography.

And I hope you all took notes.

They'll be a test first thing in the century, now then...

Where is he?

Well, speak up. Where is Kreton?

During recess, I saw him kick the ball over Cloud 9.

On purpose.

He said he'll be right back Mr. Delton.

He better be.

I wonder if he's headed...

There again! Oh, no.

That's Kreton, all right.

Goofiest driver in the whole school.

Kreton.

Uh-uh, mustn't touch.

Let's go buster, back here where you belong.

- It's him. - It's he.

All right young man, I know you're there, come out.

Why don't you come in?

Because I'm the teacher and I said, come out.

Well, I did mean any harm, Mr. Delton.

You see, Mr. Delton? I found my ball.

- I'll get it. - Oh, no you don't.

Young man, you and I are going to have a little heart to heart talk.

Back to your seats all of you.

Not you.

Now then…

you know perfectly well you've been forbidden to visit,

that odious little planetoid in the solar system.

But Mr. Delton, earth isn't a planetoid,

it's a full grown planet, it has six continents, five oceans, 2 moons...

- One moon. - One moon?

Well, anyhow, it's my hobby,

you see, as I calculate, right now down there,

they're having a very interesting period: The civil war.

Well gee whiz, Mr. Dalton. Every guy should have a hobby.

Not in your case.

Remember Mars, your last hobby?

We should have never let you set foot on the place.

Bare, barren, desolate.

Nobody goes there anymore.

No...

Say, maybe if they put a gambling...

Nothing would help.

Thanks to your thoughtlessness, Mars is a dead planet.

What good is it?

Well, you could...

Now Kreton, I want write:

"I will not visit the earth", 10 billion times.

Stay after school a bit, if necessary.

But Mr. Delton, I got a date with the fellas,

to go space skiing.

I got wax on my feet and everything.

10 billion times.

10 billion.

Well.

Did he say 10 billion times, or 10 million times?

What's the difference all start with the first time.

I... will... not... visit... the...

Ahh.

Haa.

He's gone again. Boy, is he in for it.

You mean, "is the earth in for it."

It is...

It is one of them.

It is. It is.

Hello Mr. Mayberry.

I just picked up my costume for your party tonight.

What are you going as?

General Lee, same as every year.

What are you looking at?

A flying saucer.

A what?

Didn't you see it?

Well, no sir.

This is the real thing, Conrad.

Look for yourself.

You see it? Do you see it?

Mr. Mayberry, there ain't nothing up there

except a little old cloud.

Oh, give me those.

Little ole cloud nothing. There she is.

Going round and round and round.

- Let me have another look. - Just as plain as day.

- Well? - I'm looking.

What is your considered opinion, Conrad?

You won't get mad?

Well, of course I won't.

Well, Mr. Mayberry, my considered opinion is:

You oughta' see an eye doctor.

You got astigmatism.

Eye doctor!

Well, I gotta get over to Spelding's,

I gotta drop these flowers for Ellen.

Astigmatism!

To wear to your party tonight.

Bye-bye.

Oh, my goodness.

Its wiggling like a hula-hoop.

George, I fully realise that you are vice president in charge of programming

but I will not pull my punches.

The American public has faith in Roger Putnam Spelding.

And I intend to expos this flying saucers scare,

once and for all.

On my telecast tonight.

Hello, hello.

Rheba, will you please get off the telephone I'm talking to New York.

I'm sorry dear, I was calling the Mayberry's.

Do you think you he'll need more mint for the juleps?

Rheba please, I'm talking to George Abercrombie.

Really? Oh, hello George and goodbye.

Evening, Conrad.

Evening, Mrs. Spelding.

Not dressed yet for the party?

Plenty of time, Mrs. Spelding.

Oh, darling, theirs some terrible force

that just keeps driving me on and on and on.

Will you just restrain that terrible force

because I'm getting prickly heat again.

Do not forget to dress for the party, Conrad.

Honey, let's get married right now.

Conrad, as you may have suspected,

I find you sexually attractive,

but you just don't have any... money.

Well, I don't happen to believe in money.

Ellen, no marriage til we finish college and get our degree.

Oh I don't know, maybe marriage is all I'm fit for.

Breading.

Out in the fields and an hour later back to the plow.

Carrying my newborn child on my back.

Ellen!

If you're going to talk that way,

go where smart talk is appreciated.

Go to a bar or a bus station.

Sometimes I wonder if all that cod liver oil,

wasn't a mistake.

Children were stuffed with it.

And now look at them.

I'd like a big family.

So would I.

Let's start right now.

- Conrad. - We'll get married.

And then our weekend at the lake.

All I am saying George,

is that it's high time the American public grew up.

How does it look dear?

George, I am not calling all of the American public, "boobs,"

only the boobs that believe this dribble.

I'll admit its a bit daring

but after all, Scarlet was, a hussy.

Rheba, for heaven sake.

- Hurry, or we'll be late for the party. - Shh.

Rhett...

I am going as Jefferson Davis.

Now that's final George.

My program goes on the air exactly as we taped it this morning.

Goodbye.

Censorship, the curse of the intelligent man.

And what are you doing?

He's just giving me a hand, daddy.

He certainly is. Get it out of there.

Her zipper stuck, Mr. Spelding.

No man has the right to zip a girl,

until they're engaged.

I'm sure we can trust Conrad,

he's very mechanical.

Mr. Spelding, what do you think about these UFO reports?

Poppycock.

Mr. Mayberry doesn't think so.

He swears he saw an unidentified flying object,

heading towards Richmond a little while ago.

Bob Mayberry saw the Richmond plane heading towards Richmond.

Mass hysteria that's what it is.

I am laying it on the line tonight for the American public.

You could be wrong, dear.

Space men. There ain't no such animal.

That's the phrase I'm hitting them with on my telecast.

Remember that scoop you had about Elvis.

You said he was going into the Navy.

Why don't you go home and get dressed?

Yes, sir. Ouch!

I'll be back soon Ellen.

All right dear.

Some mechanic.

Flying saucer over Richmond.

Now I've heard everything. There ain't no such animal.

Safe.

Good evening, I wonder if you could help me.

Am I any where near eh...

Oh, I guess he hasn't learned to read yet.

What's the matter Rags? Hungry?

Rheba, when are you going to feed this dog?