Mr. Stink

'Mr Stink stank. He also stunk.

'He was the stinkiest stinker who ever lived.'

HE GROANS

DOG BARKS Urgh! Duchess!

Chloe!

Oh, hello, Pippa.

Do you want to come to my sleepover tomorrow night? It'll be epic.

Yeah, I'd love to.

Oh, you can't come, I just wondered if you wanted to!

THEY LAUGH

Awkward!

I hit him! How genius am I?

Run along now, I'm a very busy man.

The Duchess and I both find children rather aggravating.

DUCHESS BARKS

I came to say sorry about the banana skin.

Did you throw it?

No! It was this girl, Pippa, from my school.

The little wretch is lucky I didn't sling it back.

My auntie just sent me £5 in a Christmas card.

Oooh! Good old Auntie.

I wanted you to have it. To buy a blanket, or some soap?

Thank you, but I have no use for soap.

I had a bath only last year.

Please shut the door on your way out.

I'm only trying to help!

All right. Help if you must!

Now, the Duchess is always hungry.

Would you be kind enough to bring the old girl a sausage?

DUCHESS YELPS AND WHIMPERS

Yes, I will!

I'm Chloe, by the way. What's your name?

Stink. Mr Stink.

Now, why are you called that?

I have absolutely no idea.

One moment, child.

I'm sorry.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

For goodness sake, girl, do something!

I was thinking.

Day-dreaming, more like.

Sorry, I just...

Shh! Don't distract me whilst I am working.

This by-election is vital for me.

I could be a Member of Parliament in a matter of days.

Where's the dinner? Annabel has trombone practice in eight minutes.

Maybe she could give it a miss tonight?

Then how will she be crowned Young Musician of the Year, hmm?

Tell me that? What are you attempting to cook?

From your favourite Look, I'm Posh range, "Duck ale orange".

"Duck a l'orange."

Translated, "Duck a l'orange" means "Duck to the orange".

Well done, my darling. Have another gold star.

Merci beaucoup, Maman.

I'm removing Chloe's star for day-dreaming.

Thank you, my angel.

Can we have sausages tomorrow?

Yeah! Of course!

No we can't! They are incredibly plebeian.

Chloe, how about asking a friend back after school some time?

Yeah, maybe one day.

These are from the premium range?

And they are not past their sell-by date? No!

Have you got any more?

No, and you're quite ungrateful for a...

Come, come, say it, "tramp".

Homeless person.

Whereas for a child, you're typically ill-mannered.

Do you want me to wash that for you? No need.

'Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?'

My name is Mrs Caroline Croom and I have a dream.

A dream of living in a country I can be truly proud of.

To the unemployed I say, "Get a job!"

To asylum seekers I say, "Seek some asylum elsewhere!"

What an awful racket.

To the homeless I say,

"Have a proper wash and get a foot on the property ladder."

Vote Croom. Aaargh!

Hello, Chloe! My favourite customer. Hello, Raj.

I have Rolos on special offer. They are only a year out of date.

No, thanks, Raj.

Half a Lion Bar? Shall we say 15p? Erm, no thank you.

28 Crunchie Bars for the price of 27?

No!

Hey! What's with the frowny face?

Please share with your Uncle Raj.

Well, I've met this tramp who really smells.

I know the man you mean - the stench does make your eyes water.

Pooooiiiieee!

I was wondering whether I should try to help him?

Of course you should!

A tramp is just someone without a home.

Any of us could be homeless one day.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

But if my mum finds out she will do her nut.

So, what are you going to buy your tramp friend for Christmas?

I have a box full of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stationery sets

I can't seem to shift.

Yours for only £3.99.

I'm not sure he really needs one of those. They are on special offer!

You have your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles notepad,

Teenage Mutant Ninja... Oh.

3, 2, 1...action!

It's Crumb.

Croom! Now when I am elected... If!

..WHEN I am elected as your Member of Parliament,

I promise to introduce a curfew

so that all children under the age of 25 are indoors by 8pm.

And ban the wearing of leggings in public,

as they are awfully common.

Most importantly of all,

the homeless will be removed from the streets.

Soap dodgers, portable wine-tasting clubs, urban campers,

call them what you will - they are a menace to society.

Thank you.

I forgot to press record.

Ow!

Just checking you are doing your homework.

Yes, yes I am. In fact I am just doing my maths homework right now.

Let me see. I'm just in the middle of...

"Flesh-eating zombie bullies must die"?

It's a story I wrote.

Do they do maths, these flesh-eating zombies? No...

Must they die because they got their long division wrong?

There is no maths in here whatsoever!

So this is what you do all day at school, is it?

No!

Come along, Annabel, Mandarin class.

SHE REPLIES IN MANDARIN

No blowing off in the night and blaming it on me.

DUCHESS WHIMPERS

I might just sit up-wind.

So she has returned.

I've decided to opt out of society, like you.

You think I opt out, child?

Er, yeah.

Just because I don't have an iPlop wedged in my ear all the time?

Shall we discuss this over a Frappuccilinone?

It's called a Frappuccino.

Not the way I make it.

What a lovely aroma!

Abandon shop!

They're sometimes a bit funny about dogs.

Right-o, a frappuccilinone for you,

and for me,

something I'm tentatively calling a caramelamochamocha.

SHE GIGGLES

You're cleverer than you look, aren't you?

We are all more than we look.

Be confident, child, fear nobody.

What's wrong at home?

How do you know?

If everything was fine

you wouldn't be spending your afternoons

with an old vagabond like me.

Mum ripped up my story.

You write stories?

Yeah, but she ripped it up. I hate her.

Hate is a strong word.

I'm sure your mother loves you.

She's distracted by the possibility of power.

Megaphones do very queer things to folk.

Mum only loves my little sister Annabel.

Annabel's always at some stupid class or other.

Archery, ice dancing, Arabic, ski-jumping,

and that's just this morning.

Right now she'll be at ballet.

My ballet dancing days are over.

I fear I shall never dance 'Giselle' again!

SHE LAUGHS

I was actually rather good.

but you know my and The Duchess's views on children.

But it can't be easy being your little sister.

Oh, no, it's Pippa!

"...No-one hires a pink limo for birthdays anymore."

And he's all, "really?"

I mean, my dad, he's such a... Oh, Chloe?

Who's this, your new boyfriend?

You must be Pippa.

Yeah.

Does anyone call you Pippa Pig?

No.

They should.

SHE SNIFFS You stink!

I think you'll find...

STOMACH GURGLES Ooh, one moment.

Buuuuurp!

My apologies. There's never any excuse for belching.

Must be the coffee repeating on me.

Some people think homeless people should be driven off the streets.

And I think some streetless people should be driven off their homes.

You don't need to be homeless. You could come and live in our shed.

No, the Duchess and I need the open road,

a ceiling of stars, fresh air and...

Mind you, it is ruddy cold today.

Maybe just for the night.

Such unimaginable kindness.

Sorry, it's just a shed,

but at least it gets you off the streets for a while.

There's no en-suite, but there is a bucket.