Rising Damp

Get out of it, you damn thing!

And don 't look at me like that. It's your own fault. I've told you before.

- (Meows) - And don 't answer me back, either.

Ah. You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

What's this?

"Rising damp"? Do you want to ruin me? I'm attempting to let a room.

You can get rid of that, for a start.

My God, British workmen! All right.

'Ey... ooh.

'Ey. I only hope you know what you're doing. This place had better not fall down.

Our work's guaranteed for 30 years, squire.

It'll see you out by a long way.

Oh, I haven 't got time... 'Ey, wipe your feet.

Get stuffed.

Riffraff.

Bert, slip that card in your window, will you?

Oh, yeah? What's this? Another vacancy at Bleak House?

Just put it in the window. And not so much lip.

It's a very desirable room. There'll be a big rush, so watch out.

And I want someone respectable, middle-class,

not some long-haired herbert carrying a brown -paper parcel.

- Middle-class, eh? - Yes, that room's next to Miss Jones's.

I don 't want any loutish behaviour.

Of course not. Very genteel, Miss Jones.

Comes in here for her knitting patterns.

Exactly. So, I want someone pure in thought, word and deed.

Point taken. Oh, by the way...

- Yeah? - I've got those books in.

- Oh, good. Where are they? - Over there, behind Practical Woodworker.

- Oh, ta, Bert. - Just don 't walk out with six under your jumper,

like you di last week

- Shut up. - I've got some more out the back.

Hello, Mr Rigsby! What are you doing here?

Oh, just thumbing through Tatler. I'd dropped in to advertise the room.

Oh, I wish you'd let me know. I'm having trouble getting accommodation for the students.

Oh, I'm not surprised. We don 't want more of them.

You know what they are? Fully paid-up members of the permissive society.

We don 't want them hanging round you.

There are men who'd take advantage of a woman like you, on her own.

- Do you think so, Mr Rigsby? - Oh, yes.

You know what you need, Miss Jones? Someone near your own age.

Someone who's seen the world, who's understanding, with a sense of humour.

Where am I going to find someone like that?

I think Mr Kemp wants you.

Oh, yes. He's probably got my copy of the New Statesman.

- What are those? - These? Oh, they're...

photographic studies, Miss Jones.

For the erm... the nature-lover.

A sort of hymn of praise to the erm... to the female form.

You mean they're nudes?

Er... yes.

Ssoo

If you'll excuse me, Mr Rigsby. It's rather warm in here.

What did you do that for? What'll she think of me now?

- Sorry. I didn 't know you fancied her. - Well, why not?

I thought you only fancied them with staples across their stomachs.

Excuse me. I'm looking for a Mr Rigsby.

- Oh, yeah? - Does he live here?

Oh, no. He'll be out this time of the day. Who shall I say... What do you want him for?

Well, he's advertising a room.

Oh, yes. That's right, yes. I am. Come in.

Just the two flights.

All right. Don 't panic.

Here you are. There it is.

Oh, it's very nice.

Oh, yes. It's all my own stuff in here. That table's been in the family for years.

Here's your television here, you see. Yeah? See? Adjust it...

- It isn 't very big. - What? It's a 12-inch.

No, no, the room.

Oh, yes. I should have used lighter wall... It's very dark.

Oh, you'll get used to it. Here's your kitchen unit here.

You've got plenty of cupboard... Move that.

You've got plenty of cupboard space here. Enough hangers there for you, eh?

Here's your stove. See? There. Infrared.

Over here's your...

Careful of that. It might kick back. See that?

Take the flesh off your fingers, that.

Well, I'm... l'm sure I could be very happy here.

Oh, hang on. I don 't let my rooms to anybody. I have to know a bit more about you.

- Oh, I'm a student. - Oh, no.

- An art student. - Oh, dear!

What's wrong?

No, no, it would be no good to you here.

You'd be better off in a commune, handing round the cannabis.

Dossing down with some bird in a duffel coat. No, we're very quiet here.

Oh, that would suit me, cos I like a quiet life.

Are you sure about that? Cos I know what you students are like.

Mind you, I don 't think you could afford this place.

Well, how much is it?

Er... 12.

- £12 for a room this size?! - Oh, yes, yes.

Well, I'm sorry to have troubled you.

Wait a minute. Don 't be so hasty.

Oh, I suppose you want a big studio? A panoramic view, for your painting?

Well, that would be terrific.

Well, I might just have the room for you. Come on.

There.

Well, what do you think?

- (Panting) It's rather high up. - Yes, of course it's high up.

I'm insured against low-flying aircraft.

There's nothing between this room and the Urals.

You'll breathe the same air as the Tatars. Look how long they live.

I should charge you extra.

But it looks as if it's got rising damp.

What? Don 't be silly. How can you have rising damp in the attic?

- Isn 't that water coming down the walls? - What do you expect? Champagne?

Yeah, well... I suppose it would make a reasonable studio.

Course it would. But let's get one thing straight.

If you're going to do any painting... I don 't mind a bit of still life.

Bowl of frui vase of flowers - very nice But if you paint women

do it from memory.

I know you students. It was one of your lot made the hole.

- The hole? - Yes in the floor

Miss Jones, removing her clothes one night... covered in plaster.

- Who's Miss Jones? - Got the room below. Close personal friend.

But I'm not rushing it. All right with you?

Yes.

Right. Well, that'll be £6 a week. Payable in advance, of course.

- Yeah, well, er... - That means now.

- That sounds very reasonable. - Oh, it is.

There's just one thing.

- Do you think you could get rid of that for me? - Rid of what?

- The skeleton. - Oh, his nibs?

No, I can 't do that. That belongs to your roommate. Ta.

Roommate?! Just a minute. I didn 't know I had to share.

- Oh, yes. - I don 't think I like that.

Don 't be silly! Look. Look.

This is... What's your name?

- John. - John, is this your first time away from home?

I thought so. Well, look.

Don 't you want to take this opportunity of mixing with other people

of various backgrounds, people who are different?

- Well, I... - Well, you've fallen on your feet here.

Very aristocratic, this lad. Blue blood in his veins. Royalty.

Oh, well, he sounds different.

Oh, yes. Very different.

Oh, hello, Phil!

Rigsby, what's he doing here?

Oh, this is John, Phil. Just moving in. Says it'll be a lovely studio.

Rigsby, I have told you, I am not sharing, so stop smuggling people in when I go out!

I didn 't want to share, either.

- There won 't be room. - Of course there won 't.

Who do you think you are? The vestal virgins?

In the Army, we were 16 to a hut. We never complained.

But this is different.

Oh yes

Yes, I suppose it is. Tensions are bound to arise, under the circumstances.

What circumstances?

Nerves are bound to get taut - different ethnic groups.

That's got nothing to do with it. I mean, it doesn 't worry me.

- Good, cos any trouble, and you go, not him. - Why?

- He's a minority. He has rights. - What about my rights?

- You haven 't got any. - Rigsby...

I know how we can solve this. I have the room downstairs, and he has this.

No, no. I've got Miss Jones to consider.

You get yourself unpacked. You'll be all right.

- Mr Rigsby! - Yeah?

Hey, you didn 't tell me he was er...

- What? - Black.

Of course he's black. He comes from Africa.

What colour did you expect? Sky blue pink?

He didn 't seem very pleased to see me.

Course he is. That's just his manner. No, I think he likes you.

Get back, before he chucks your case out.

Well, he says it's too crowded.

Crowded? He's never known luxury like it.

'Ey, he'd never had a pair of shoes on till he came over here.

He'll have 'em off in a minute. They've got to feel the ground under them.

- Really? - Oh, yes, yes. Very primitive people.

- They say he's got ten wives. - Ten wives?!

Yes, yes. Mind you, it doesn 't mean the same to them.

They get married whenever there's a hurricane, when they think God's angry!

No, I couldn 't let him next door to Miss Jones.

Let me have it.

You?! An art student? Next to a shy, retiring woman like that?

If she's shy, what are you worried about?

Oh, that's on the surface, but underneath there's pent-up emotion.

One day she's going to burst like a dam, and I'll be waiting. All right?

- Right. - Right. Good.

Look, I've told you, no-one's indispensable.

You go on like this and you'll end up on a tennis racket.

Yes, you.

Have you been here long, Philip?

Long enough.

I'm er...

I'm studying art. What are you taking?

Medicine.

Oh, that's terrific! Is that to help your people?

Not really. I heard the money was rather good.

Oh.

Hey, Mr Rigsby says you've got ten wives!

- That's right. - Ten wives?

I'm the son of a chief. It's expected.

But ten wives? Don 't you find it a bit intimidating?

No, it's like driving in traffic. You only see the one in front.

I can 't stand this place. I don 't know why I came back.

I bet you'd sooner be sleeping under the stars.

Look, let's get one thing straight. I'm not the last of the Mohicans.

No, no, no, of course not.