The IT Crowd

Come on, settle. The sooner you're settled,

the sooner this is over with.

Thank you. Now, you're going to meet

some men today who've taken a wrong turn in their lives

and they're going to tell you their stories and hopefully

make you think a little bit about the roads you're going down.

It's not going to be any kind of fun,

so you can wipe those smiles off your faces.

Right, let's meet our first speaker.

What the flip are you looking at?

You think this is funny?

You think this is some kind of mother flipping joke?

Mother flippers think everything's a mother flipping joke.

Well, let me tell you, the jokey ain't no jokey, sucker.

Look at me and what do you see?

Just a bad ass brother who made a mistake. One mistake.

And now I'm staring at you gimps.

Every flippin' day!

So what's my story?

How did a brother get here?

Well, I'll tell you.

It all started when I went to fix a printer on floor seven.

As I recall, it was a Tuesday.

It's a lot faster now,

it's one of the advantages of the Pentium processor.

Yeah...

I like your glasses.

I'm afraid they're not for sale.

Ha ha.

Laugh all you want, they're not for sale.

You're funny.

Nikki, Nikki, Nikki!

What are you talking to Clive Sinclair for?

Shut up, Rodge.

Good one. Yup. I get it.

You obviously don't, mate.

Come on, back in your box.

Nice tie, by the way!

Thank you.

Roy, can you come here, please?

Just hold on a second, Jen. I'm giving phone support.

Okay, so how did that go?

Well, yeah, but that's an important part of the process.

Yes, if you don't complete that part,

there's no way you're going to be able to do the next bit.

Okay, so now... Turn it back on again!

People!

That is rude! What is that?

Oh, Jen, I have to say, "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

1,000 times a day. It's like a bloody catchphrase.

If it wasn't for you and Moss it would be the only thing I say.

It doesn't matter.

Don't take your bad career decisions out on the users.

I'm not saying it again today.

They can just figure it out for themselves.

You'll never go a whole day without saying it.

You don't think I can?

No way.

I bet you 1,000 I can.

That's just posturing. 1,000.

All right. Okay. 100 says I don't say it again today.

How's that for posturing?

All right, you're on. 100 quid.

All right.

Can you come here for a sec, please?

I want you to take a look at something.

Can't I do it on the phone?

Just come in! It's like 20 feet!

You all right, Moss?

I don't mind telling you, Roy,

that sometimes the people upstairs cheese me off to such an extent

that if I were the type to use bad language,

I'd be employing it bitterly and repeatedly!

Whoa. Moss, that's not like you.

Well, I'm sorry for mentioning bad language.

No, use bad language, Moss, please. It'll make you feel better.

Ploppers!

Someone told me I need a browser on my computer.

Could you install one please?

You don't have a browser on your computer...?

What is that sound? Is that coming from your laptop?

It's not supposed to sound... What the...?! What's all that crap?

Look at all this stuff! I haven't seen that one since the '90s!

Jen, I have to fix this.

No, no, leave it! I have it how I like it!

How you like it?! No, no, no, Jen, it's infected!

If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face!

I just want you to install a browser.

That's the browser there!

Look at it... that's the browser. Internet Explorer is a browser!

Behind the picture of the lady. The lady's not supposed to be there.

She's only there sometimes. But what about that, the E...

But that's the button for the internet, Roy. I don't...

The button for the internet?! Jesus Christ!

Oh, shut up! I'm not a stupid geeky geek.

Jen, you don't need to be a geek

to know that you need a browser to access the internet!

Yes, because as soon as you know something like that,

it pushes out something important and before you know it,

you're painting little figurines from Lord of The Rings.

You know what, Jen? Do whatever you want. I don't care.

You want to walk around with a laptop from The Exorcist,

that's fine. It's not my problem.

Our time is too valuable!

Come on, Moss, let's go. It's nearly one.

Oh, don't forget. They're giving a party for Ben Genderson at lunch.

Ben Genderson? How nice for him.

He's been here, what? A week? When's our party?

I thought you hated parties.

I like parties. It's balloons I don't like.

Right.

You don't like balloons?

Oh, don't talk to me about balloons.

Why?

Why? Balloons explode, Jen.

They explode suddenly and unexpectedly.

They are filled with the capacity to give me a little fright

and I find that unbearable.

Where do you want to go for lunch?

It's such a lovely day, shall we go to the park?

Yeah, let's have a lovely lunch in the park.

Roy, do you think if I hadn't paid so much attention in school

I'd be a different person?

No.

We're going to be late for Ben Genderson's party.

So? I don't want to go to that thing. If we go to that party,

do you know how many times I'm going to have to say, "Have you..." The thing that I say?

We've got to hurry up, we're going to be in trouble.

I'm not running.

Can you do a fast walk?

No.

I'm going to do a fast walk. See you there.

I need to be at work.

Sorry, sir. Whole street's closed. Suspicious package.

Come on, let's go the long way round.

We'll miss the presentation. We're already late. We'll get in trouble.

Calm down.

I can't, Roy. What are we going to do?

Moss, it doesn't matter.

We're going to get in trouble.

You're not going to get in trouble.

Getting in trouble is something that happens to children.

You're a grown man. Come on.

Why don't we bunk off?

What?!

I was hoping to avoid Jen today anyway. Why don't we just...

We'll bunk off and make a day of it. It'll be a laugh.

Oh, gosh, I've got to take this in. I've never bunked off in my life!

What... what... what will we do? Where will we go?

You know, we'll do bunking off kind of things.

Should we be talking this close to the police? I mean, it is illegal...

Not unless you're supposed to be in school! Will you relax?

I'm excited, Roy. This is like taking the blue pill in the Matrix.

I mean, bunking off. The old me would never have done that!

Say goodbye to that guy. That guy's history! BANG! He's gone!

Could you not say "bang!" There's a bloody bomb somewhere!

Come on, let's just go.

Would you stop looking so suspicious!

Which is why after one week with us, we honour Ben Genderson.

Come on, Ben, say a few words.

I don't know what to...

Such a lovely thing to happen.

I never thought that a major corporation

would be able to focus on one individual like this.

At my last company, I felt rather insignificant,

so it's appreciated, it really is.

Cheers.

Don't raise your glass too soon, Ben, cos this has all been one big ruse.

It isn't your day at all.

That's right. I thought it high time

to give the IT Department the attention they deserve.

Where are Mark and Ray?

they're not back from lunch yet.

Really? I flew George Lucas in to see them as a treat.

Oh, well, Jen, more champagne for us.

Let the revels begin!

Oh, yes.

Sitting on the bus.

On the open road.

Kicking back.

Just a pair of cheeky bunkers.

Couple of ne', er do wells.

Yeah.

Roy, can I clarify something? Are we now loitering?

Erm... yeah.

Because it feels like travelling.

Sure, but we don't want to go where this bus is going.

So there's an element of loitering.

There's an aimlessness.

Exactly.

Yeah! Who'd want to end up going to where they wanted to be?

That's what the man wants.

Sock it to 'em.

Fools!

Roy, let's glare.

What?

Let's glare at people, like a couple of tough nuts.

Okay! Who?

Let's glare at this sucker on his way to work.