Crowded

From the moment your kids are born,

you dread the fact that one day they'll leave you.

And then they do,

and it's just as bad as you thought it'd be.

I just want you to remember that you're special,

and you'll always be my little girl.

Two forms of birth control.

And men are like basketball players...

they dribble before they shoot.

Martina!

It's reality, Mike.

Bye, guys.

- Bye. - I'll miss you.

I'll miss you too.

- Bye, Dad. - Love you, kid.

Love you.

Well, at least now we know what it's like.

The next one will be easier.

Oh, my sweet baby.

What are you looking at?

It's just us now!

We're alone!

Wow.

The empty nest.

We're gonna die in this house.

I need alcohol.

But it's only 10:00 a.m.

Well, on the other hand,

we don't have to drive anybody anywhere.

Or cook anyone dinner,

or set a good freakin' example.

Hey, we don't have to say "freakin'" anymore!

We can swear when we want, drink when we want,

have sex when we want,

and have sex when we want.

There's a reason I said that twice.

This could be good.

This could be really good.

Finally getting rid of the play room.

Turn it into a media room.

Big-ass plasma.

I'm gonna have an old timey popcorn machine,

one of those big chairs with the cup holders.

I'll be just like a Hollywood douchebag.

Look what I found.

That's pot.

Our kids were doing drugs?

Mike! Martina!

It's your parents!

Hide the pot!

Wow, I just felt so young.

- Bob? - What?

- They're in the playroom! - What?

The playroom!

They're fine.

Alice, again, the key that we made

for you and Dad was for emergencies.

We knocked on the door, and you didn't answer.

It could have been an emergency.

Why didn't you just ring the bell?

Ring the bell?

Child please, we're family.

Family doesn't ring the bell.

Oh, hey, Pop.

Oh, good, you're finally cleaning this room.

You didn't have all these toys when you were a kid.

I know.

You spoiled those girls.

You know, when Mike was young,

I taught him how to do military sheet corners.

He couldn't go out to play until I could bounce a coin

off his tightly made bed.

I still get a little tense when I see a quarter.

We tried to help with Stella and Shea.

Yes, you were here all the time.

Well, we're headed to the store.

We'll bring you back some doughnuts.

Alice, we don't eat doughnuts.

And you know I'm gluten free.

Oh, that nonsense.

That's why you're so skinny.

I don't think I'm too skinny.

You can't see your own skinny.

It's like smelling your own breath.

You need someone else to tell you that it's bad.

Mike, I'll pick you up some breath mints.

When are you gonna stand up to them?

Well, I've always said "soon,"

but now that they're moving, I can give the truthful answer:

never.

So what are we gonna do with this?

[Tommy James & the Shondells' "Crimson and Clover"]

What if "Horton Hears a Who!" is real?

Deep.

You know what's great about smoking pot when you're older?

You don't get paranoid.

It's the cops!

Oh, thank God you're home.

- Stella? - Brace yourselves.

I left Justin.

We had this big fight, and he's dead to me.

Is he dead to everyone?

Did you kill him?

Answer your father.

What is wrong with you guys?

Nothing.

I could really use a pizza,

but go on.

Okay.

Well, I'm here because I'm not getting any acting jobs,

and my YouTube videos don't get enough hits.

Being an adult is hard.

Plus, I miss you guys, so I was wondering...

Hello, all.

Forgive the surprise.

Shea, what are you doing here?

- I'm moving back home. - What?

But I told you I was coming here today to move back home.

What?

Yes, but I reasoned that the cumulative impact on them

would be reduced if it were simultaneous

rather than staggered.

Ew, Shea, you don't just break into someone's scene.

We're not in a movie, Stella.

This is the real world.

A world where, thanks to this country's hatred of science,

the funding for my job has been eliminated.

So like 23.8% of people between the ages of 22 and 31,

I've determined the most logical course of action

in this economy is to move back in with my parents.

And because of the broad number of young people doing this,

there's no longer the social stigma attached.

Is she done?

I can never tell when she's done.

I'm the one who should move back in.

Mom and Dad are like my best friends.

They're my only friends.

Girls, girls, don't fight.

You're equally disappointing both of us.

Hello?

We hear voices in there!

Oh, boy.

It's Grandma!

Oh!

Are you girls here for our anniversary dinner?

Oh, no, I'm moving back home today.

So am I.

Well, we certainly can't move to Florida now.

It looks like you need us again.

Who wants doughnuts?

- I do! - Me.

They're back.

They're all back!

It's a nightmare.

It's a disaster!

Oh, God, we can't say anymore.

Where are you going?

There's doughnuts.

.

Hey, you got a passenger.

Real slacker type.

Sounds like my daughter's boyfriend.

It is my daughter's boyfriend.

Ugh, that knock.

Come in, Justin.

Hey.

Hey.

Here's how you knock.

It's not...

Well, why?

Because we as a society have decided

that's how you knock.

What are you doing here?

I miss Stella.

I was hoping you'd help me get her back.

Look, Justin, no man thinks any guy

is good enough for his little girl,

and then I met you and...

please don't take this the wrong way...

but I thought, "He's not even close."

I mean, do you even have a job?

I have something better than a job:

an idea for an app.

Everyone with the apps.

Yeah, it's awesome.

But figuring out how to actually make it is super hard.

Look, that's the problem with people your age.

Once it gets hard, you quit.

You got to stick with things.

I like that.

Could you text that to me?

Get out.

What happens if I push this button?

That'll get you out even faster.