Fun with Dick and Jane

-Morning, Mr. Harper. -Morning, Jeff.

-Hi, Ralph. -Morning, sir.

Hello? Security.

- Dick. -Charlie.

I've been waiting for you.

-How've you been? -Sit down.

-Pour yourself a drink. -Thanks, Charlie.

This business stinks, you know that?

-Well-- -It stinks!

It used to be the most exciting business in the world.

Now it stinks on ice.

-It's been a rough year. -It stinks.

-I guess it does stink. -It stinks on ice!

All right, on ice.

It was a great feeling to be part of the team that tied the lace on the shoe

that took that giant step for mankind.

You don't get that feeling from building a goddamn missile.

-Now, what's all this crap? -My plan to reorganize my department.

One small step.

One giant step for mankind.

I wouldn't say that, but it's not a bad plan.

You know who made that step possible? We did.

You and me.

And Bob Kane, Frank Chapman.

We put Neil and what's-his-name on the bloody moon.

And then they gave us the shaft.

It stinks.

On ice.

What do you say we talk turkey?

Right, Charlie.

I was thinking more in terms of cutting costs than personnel.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

I was just talking turkey.

Dick...

I always thought you were the kind of guy I didn't have to bullshit.

I'm glad to hear that.

-Can I level with you? -Sure.

-I mean, really level? -Charlie, you can tell me anything.

You're fired.

I must have fired 50 people today,

but that's the first time I did it like that.

The first time I ever said, just like, "You're fired."

Practice makes perfect.

No.

I shouldn't have done that.

It's just that I'm sick of all the bullshit.

Wait a minute.

-You're serious? -Would I kid a pal?

No jokes, Charlie. You're really firing me?

I don't have to tell you what a lousy year we've had.

I haven't done a bad job.

You've done a hell of a job. And don't let anybody tell you different.

Then why me?

My division's outperformed everybody's.

Seniority.

I think that's what it was.

I'm sure that's what it was. Seniority. Yeah.

Do you mean to tell me that when you compare the productivity--

Dick!

Do you mind if we don't go into all that crap right now?

Frankly, I'm a little bit looped.

And I got blood on my hands.

A lot of blood.

Mr. Harper?

I'll have to get back to you.

I just want to say, I'm very sorry you're leaving us.

Well, thank you.

Did Mr. Blanchard tell you about the car?

-What car? -The company car you've been using.

You may retain the use of it for two weeks.

Isn't that thoughtful?

But we must have your company credit cards now, please.

Goodbye, Mr. Harper.

Jane!

Hey, what is this?

This is distressing.

Jane.

Jane!

-Hey, Jane! -Hey, sweetie, you're home early.

- I gotta talk to you. -I gotta talk to you, Mr. Harper.

The second payment's due on the pool.

Billy!

Billy, will you get your friend out of the cement!

-I've been fired. —Huh?

I've been fired.

Oh, baby.

What did you say?

He said he's tired.

-Hey, Mr. Harper, you were canned today. -Yeah.

-What sign are you? —Huh?

-Uh... -He's an Aquarius.

You poor bastard. I knew it.

What a bummer.

Mars is in direct conjunction with Saturn.

It's a tough time for us Aquarians.

You know that bill I gave you, for the pool, the second payment?

I'll give you until next Wednesday.

Hmm.

Ah. Esperanza.

La Gena is ready.

-Thank you. -Gracias.

-Mm. -I can't believe that Charlie fired you.

-Charlie fired me. -Dirty rat.

After all the years of bottom-pinching I took from him.

Does that mean we're gonna be poor, like the Waltons?

No, Billy, it doesn't.

What are we gonna do about the pool?

We'll get it finished first.

We won't heat it.

Not until you get another job.

How will we swim in the pool if it's cold?

Billy is right. What will the neighbors say

if they don't see steam coming off our pool on a chilly night?

I'm making some economies around here.

-Billy, we'll give up our ski lessons. -God!

-No more French wines at home, sir. -Oh, God!

And I will drop the Book of the Month Club.

What about my drum set?

Family, everything's gonna be all right.

There's absolutely nothing to worry about.

Take that stuff up there. You, in the truck, watch those plants!

That stuff goes too. Take it easy over there.

Watch those roots on that thing.

Hey, those plants go up next too, okay?

-Stop it! -Hello, Mrs. Harper.

That goes next.

What in God's name do you think you're doing?

You got our notice, Mrs. Harper?

-Yes. I sent you a check. -Bouncy, bouncy. That's naughty.

Hey, watch those plants! Watch that stuff.

-Get it up over there. -I'll give you another check.

Two checks bounced already, Mrs. Harper.

Your mother carried you nine months, but we'll only carry you for two.

Clear that bank off.

Just because the bank made a mistake is no reason to come dig up my tree!

-Excuse me. -Not yours. Ours.

We put this stuff in, now we'll tear it out.

Watch it.

If you don't wanna lose your shirt, don't put it on the cuff.

You're using Gestapo tactics.

That's impossible. I'm Jewish.

Hey, watch those plants over there. Come on, watch them roots.

Right. Take all of these bushes out, all of these trees,

everything up there, every rotten weed in this whole garden.

Come here. Would you remove this tracheotomy or whatever it's called.

This is not what we ordered, and I told you so a month ago.

Can you believe this? I told them, plant what we want or take it all back.

-What a rip-off. -That's right. Roll up the lawn.

I don't like the lawn either. AstroTurf has more life than this stuff.

You will never work in this neighborhood again!

-Hey, Mom, you were terrific. -You think so, kid?

Mm-hm.

-What do you want? -I want the plants inside.

Step one foot in this house, I'll call the police.

I still want the plants.

Pretty grim, huh?

What are we going to tell Dad when he comes home?

Well...

are you gonna tell me how bad things are

or are you gonna wait for the roof to fall in?

It really isn't as bad as it looks.

Nothing is as bad as this looks.

We don't have any income or any assets.

What do you mean, we don't have any assets?

Other than the sun in the morning and the moon at night.

We got this house.

We owe $77,000 on this house, Dick.

If you died right now, how would I pay it off?

Out of the insurance.

We don't have any. You borrowed against it.