Your Family or Mine

You... you named it a way in a boob situation?

It's hard to know which way to go.

I mean... this top looks best when I let the girls out a bit

Yeah, but it is an award ceremony

Where your dad is being honored, so I vote button done up.

Hey, I'll see you guys later, okay?

oh, God. My dad better win tonight.

Oh, he will for sure.

There's five people in the department,

And the other four have already won.

Well, if he does win,

Get ready to deal with a very cocky Gil.

Oh, I think I'm ready.

The last time I was over there, he declared,

"no one in the universe wears pants as well as I do."

He is proud of weird things.

But then again, so are you.

What are you talking about?

Your ears?

Honey, that is not weird.

Seriously, name one guy even a celebrity...

Who has better ears than me.

Go ahead! Name one!

Baby, I can't I don't...

Well, e-exactly! Because there isn't anyone!

I have perfect ears!

I just hope they don't upstage your dad tonight.

Ah! Thank God you're here!

I was worried you'd been in an accident!

Mom, why do you always do this? We're four minutes late.

Whew!

Ah! Whoa!

I'm just relieved everyone's okay.

- Wow, that dress is incredible, Jan! - Oh.

Thank you. Thank you.

- I bought it for the ceremony. - Hmm.

I mean, do you think Rita Wilson

Just dug some old thing out of her closet

All those times Tom Hanks won?

I'm gonna go with no.

Hmm.

And if you like it,

You should see what I'm wearing underneath.

Mom, please.

Nothing.

Hey, you guys look great.

Dad, why are you whispering?

Saving my voice for my speech.

Here you go... little more tea, honey.

Thank you, Jan.

Got to keep those vocal cords lubricated.

And for your nervous stomach, honey, a little toast.

Toast?! I can't have any goddamn toast!

I got to keep it wet in here.

I better finish getting ready.

Man, he better win tonight.

The last four ceremonies were rough.

Yeah.

This year,

the Psychology-Department's award

For outstanding educator goes to...

Joan Millman.

Charles Kringus.

Gregory Scott.

Michael Woodhouse!

Are you kidding?! That clown?!

This is bullshit!

- That's my goddamn award! - Watch it! Whoa!

Come on! Let me go!

Okay, okay. Okay.

God damn it! Oh!

I mean, making him pay for the broken chair

Was insult to injury.

Jan...

More tea.

Now, guys, remember, we have to leave in 20 minutes.

Hey, Shawni, what's up? Everything all right?

- It's nothing. - Okay.

Well, of course it's something.

Get back here.

All right, you know how Enzo and I

Had our one-year anniversary last night?

- Yeah. - Okay.

So I assumed that he was finally gonna propose

Or, at the very least,

Say that we should move in together.

But instead, he took me bowling

And gave me a shitty heart necklace from the mall.

But I was just so sure he was gonna do something

That, when the waitress brought out the fried mozzarella sticks,

I assumed there was a ring

Or a symbolic house key hidden in there,

So I burnt my fingers digging through the basket.

Wait. You would have been happy

If he'd asked you to marry him that way...

Drunk, bowling, fried cheese?

It's a ring around a mozzarella stick.

I think it's pretty freaking romantic.

- Well, I'm sorry, Shawni. - I know.

I just wish I knew what we were doing, you know?

Hey, Kelli.

Hey, baby. Why aren't you dressed?

I'll get dressed in a minute.

Oh. Mm.

Such a tease. I love it!

Wow! Enzo! Looking dapper, buddy.

Back at you, Oliver. Why don't you give me a spin?

A what?

Spin, Oliver. Spin.

Let me see all of you.

Beautiful.

Did Shawni tell you

All about our amazing anniversary last night?

Uh, no, she didn't.

Ah, she was so happy, after I gave her her gift...

An expensive heart necklace from Eddie's jewelry 'n stuff...

She cried... For much longer than you would think is normal.

I think the honey in the tea has sufficiently calmed my throat,

So I can give you all a little taste of my acceptance speech.

Oh, good!

This will give me a chance to practice my reactions.

"First of all,

I want to congratulate all my fellow nominees."

Aww.

Honey, please, you can practice later.

Right now, this is about me.

Just to be clear... the whole evening is.

"Congratulations to my fellow nominees,

"who have all, almost unbelievably,

Won this award before me."

"Joan had a great year,

"despite the lawsuit from a student.

But turns out he was 18, so she dodged a bullet there."

"Michael Woodhouse, who won last year,

"even though he hasn't published in a decade...

Money must have changed hands there."

"just kidding. L.O.L."

Stuff about the other people...

I call them "peers," but with finger quotes.

Yada yada yada... the end. Great, huh?

Do you think maybe you sound...

I don't know... a bit... Bitter?

Hmm.

Bitter? Seriously? Is that what you got?

Oliver, did you get that?

Uh, maybe a tad. A touch.

A lot.

I think you just don't get my sense of humor,

Like this joke here...

"I'm better than all of you."

Well, thank you so much for calling.

I-I don't know what to say. I'm just in shock.

Okay. Goodbye.

Mom, what's wrong?

That was my friend Brenda,

Whose husband's on the board of the college.

She just told me your dad's not gonna win tonight.

Was that the florist?

I ordered you a dozen roses...

For you to hand me after I win.

Dad's not gonna win?!

Why would they do that to him?

Oh, honey, your dad is a great Professor,

But he has made enemies among the faculty there,

Mainly because of his

"if it's in the fridge, it's fair game" policy.

I can't watch him lose again. It'll break his heart.

To lose again for the fifth time in front of all those people?

We can't let him go to that ceremony.

I agree.

If he knows he's not winning, he won't go anyway.

So the best plan here is you tell him he's not gonna win.

Exactly! You tell him he's not gonna win.

Wait.

What?

Why I am telling him? You're his wife.

Oh, honey, you're his favorite daughter.

Not if I tell him he didn't win!

All right, since neither one of us

Are willing to break the news to him,

The least we can do is stop him from going to that ceremony.

Then you can figure out how you're gonna tell him later.

I mean, maybe it won't be as hard as we think.

Which of these says winner?

I'm thinking gold so I match the trophy.

Oh.

Hi, Dani.

shh! Do you hear that?

The house is here.

Uh... Dani, what's going on?

Whoa.

Okay.

So, you were obviously out all night.

I was at this party with Blake.

Hey!

He's your brother.

He is, yeah.

Hey! Is he as high as you are right now?

No, he had to go home,

But I stayed and had what I thought was candy.