Trio

Somerset Maugham once told us

he has never pretended to be anything but a story teller

It has amused him to tell stories and he has told a great many

Now those of us to help these three into a film

are happy once again to pay tribute to a great writer

Here he is to introduce Trio

Well,ladies and gentlemen

if you see me facing you once again in this unaccustomed role for me

you only have yourselves to blame

If you hadn't liked the four stories we showed you in Quartet

you shouldn't have been encouraged to show you three more

Of course we know it is a risk to try to repeat a success

And we have to leave to you to judge if we've been well advised or not

The Verger

On an afternoon in May 1924

there was to be a christening at St. Peter's, Neville Square

a church much favoured by the fashionable for these ceremonies

the verger Albert Foreman was ironing his second best gown for the occasion

during his seventeen years of service, he had a succession of these gowns

but he had never been able to throw them away

and so they lay wrapped in brown paper in a bottom drawer in his bedroom

I'd thought you were going to clear out that drawer this morning,Mr Foreman

So I would

How much longer are you going to keep putting it off?

I don't know

I just haven't got the heart to get rid of them somewhere

What you can possibly won't

with lot of old gowns cluttering up the place,so beats me

All right,I'll do it tomorrow

Better had,if you don't want to see them turned into dusters

That was six,won't it?

Can't say

With old Ferguson,you always knew where you were,thirty five minutes to the dot

But with this new chap anything might happen

I'll have your tea for you at six anyway

Right you are,Mrs Brown

Thank you

What a charming..

Thank you my dear,very nice service

Thank you very much,Sir

Five bobs and in the tenth, an irritable foolish face

I don't know what the aristocracy is coming to

Took his time,didn't he?

Believes in doing it proper while he is at it

What are you waiting for?

The vicar wants to see me about them bells

Ferguson always left them to me

what's it he want to bother himself with them for?

Because he is a sort that logs his finger in every pie

If you ask me it will take a bit of getting used to

Foreman,will you come into the vestry a minute?

I've something to say to you

Very good,Sir

A very nice christening, I thought Sir

Funny how the baby stopped crying the moment you took him

I've noticed they very often do

After all I've had a good deal of practice with them

Good Afternoon,My Lord

Good Afternoon,Foreman

Good Afternoon,Sir,didn't expect to find you here today

Didn't myself as a matter of fact

The Vicar here wanted a talk,so here we are

We got something rather unpleasant to say to you,Foreman

You've been here a great many years

I think His Lordship and the General agree with me

that you always fulfilled the duties of your office

to the satisfaction of everybody concerned

Admirably,admirably

Thank you,Sir

But a most extraordinary circumstance came to my knowledge the other day

I felt it might due to impart it to church wardens

I discovered to my astonishment that you can neither read nor write

The last vicar knew that, Sir

He said it didn't make no difference

He always said there was a great deal too much education in the world for its taste

It's the most amazing thing I ever heard

do you mean to say that you've been verger of this church for seventeen years

and never learned to read or write?

I went into service when I was twelve, Sir

The cook at the my first place tried to teach me once, but

I didn't seem to have the knack for it

and then what with one thing and another I never seemed to have the time

But don't you ever want to write a letter?

The lady I lodge with is quite a scholar,Sir

and if I want to write a letter,she writes it for me

It's not as if I was a betting man

Well,I've talked the matter over with these gentlemen,Foreman

and they agree with me that the situation is quite impossible

At a church like St. Peter's Neville Square

we cannot have a verger who can neither read nor write

No,Sir?

Please understand that I have no complaint against you

You always do your work quite satisfactorily

I have the highest opinion both of your character and of your capacity

but we haven't the right to take the risk of some accident which might happen

owing to your lamentable ignorance

I see,Sir

It's a matter of prudence as well as of principle

I never took to him,not from the first

they made a great mistake ever giving him St Peter's

Didn't they all are same I think?

No,he chucked him into it, but I can see he didn't like him

So I should hope

He named him into it, that what it is

You're going to let yourself be put upon without making a fuss?

I don't know,Mrs Brown,I've my pride,even if I can't read or write

What are you going to do?

Sleep on it

Decide to morrow

Good Afternoon,Foreman

Good afternoon,Sir

I've some good news for you

I met Miss Fitzwilliam just now,she'd had the new altar clock ready by Friday

About time too,Sir,she has promised ever since Christmas

Now we shall have it ready for Easter

We must be thankful for small mercies

Yes,Sir

Well,now,Foreman,have you thought over our little talk yesterday?

Yes,Sir

Well?

I'm very sorry,Sir,I'm afraid it is no good

Oh,come now,Foreman, that's not the right spirit

I'm too old a dog to learn new tricks,Sir

I've lived a good many years without knowing how to read or write

and without wishing to praise myself

I think I may say I've done my duty in that state of life

in which it has pleased a merciful providence to place me

and if I could learn now I don't know as I would want to

You have quite made up your mind?

Quite,Sir

In that case,Foreman, I'm afraid you have to go

Yes,I quite understand,I should be happy to hand in my resignation

as soon as you found someone to take my place

Albert has never been troubled with such questions before

The vergers of St.Peters likes the Popes in Rome were there for life

He'd saved a tidy sum but not enough to live on without doing something

It occurred to him now that a cigarette would comfort him but his packet was empty

He decided no to take his usual way home

but wandered into the street in search of a tobacconist

It was a long street but he couldn't find a shop that sell cigarettes

There was no doubt about it, he had to go home without one

What's going on?

Glad! Glad she is engaged

Fancy that,who is the lucky fellow?

Ted,of course

So you caught him at last,have you?

I'd never thought he had much of a chance

Well,I liked that,he had been after me for months

That's right,and we are celebrating, have a glass of beer,Mr Foreman

No,I don't think I will,thank you

Come on

I'll just go up to my room, I'll join you presently

Come in

I'm sorry,Mr Foreman, I knew the minute you came in,it's that vicar,isn't it?

Giving me the sack he has, after seventeen years

Whatever are you going to do now?

I don't know exactly

I got an idea on my way home

A funny thing happened, I wanted a packet of fags

And I had to walk all around for a mile before I found a tobacconist

What's so funny about that?

I can't be the only chap that walks on them streets who wants a fag

I should wonder what a fellow might do very well somewhere round there

Tobacco and sweets you know?

I've got a bit of money saved up

I'd go half a mile to buy up a little shop and see what happens

You do have ideas, I must say,Mr Foreman

That is not the only one,I've got another

What's going to happen to you, now Glad's getting married?

Ted will come and live here,of course

Glad got her own room and it only means buying her a double bed

That'll make trouble,that will, young fellow like Ted

he doesn't want his mother in law living in the house

I'll tell you what you ought to do

You ought to marry again,Mrs Brown

Don't want to marry an old woman like me

I would

Don't talk silly,an old bachelor like you

and me a widow all these years, you are out of your mind

Don't you believe it?

I'll run the tobacco side of the business and you run the sweets,see?

I don't know if I am standing on my head or my heels

Make up your mind,Mrs Brown

My name is Emma,Mr Foreman

That's good enough for me

How about a kiss?

I've been kissed like that since my poor husband passed away

Not many widows can say that,all right,come along

let us tell the others and tomorrow we'll go looking for a shop

What a row they are making down there,what are they up to?

Stop the music

I've got an announcement to make

I've offered my hand and heart to Mrs Brown

I want to Mrs Brown say,she said OK

The next day Albert and Emma went along a street

and by good luck found a little shop to let that looked as it would exactly suit

24 hours later they've taken it and within a month

Albert Foreman was set up in business as tobacconist and newsagent

A very nice,too

All we want now is a few customers