Beautiful People (US) - First Season

# Ah, aahl

# Don't let them go, don't let them go

# Take a beautiful dream and let it show

# Don't let them go, don't let them go

# Take a beautiful dream and let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow

# Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na

# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #

New York and perfection go hand in hand,

like Paula Abdul and speaking shite.

Man, woman, child, beast, even ugly people,

everybody strives to look the best that they can.

But even those of us who strive for perfection

should be allowed the window dressing equivalent of a bad hair day.

My God, what is that?

Victoria Beckham, late '90s.

# When you're looking like you're looking for an explanation...

Victoria might not have changed too much over the years, but I certainly have.

You see, I wasn't always a slightly fey window dresser in New York.

I was a slightly fey schoolboy in Reading.

# I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah!

# If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends

And when I was 13, the country was completely and unapologetically in the grip of...

- # Girl power! - Who's a girl, batty bwoy?

Oh, Debbie, here's that Ally McBeal video you wanted to borrow.

Oh! Cheers, Reba.

Slut!

And I was enthralled to the sultriest of them all, La Posh. She was glamour itself.

The most glamorous person we knew was our headmistress, Miss Perrin.

I'm not being funny, but I can't find me handbag anywhere.

It's powder pink, with a fancy clasp.

Return it to me by the end of school and you are going to get a lorra lorra house points.

It matched my socks.

She is so wrong.

It's actually a clutch bag.

One thing that made Miss Perrin glamorous

was that once upon a time, she'd been a TV star.

What a glamorous life she led as a Hill's Angel!

And to think she gave it all up to get us through our SATs.

Don't worry, Kylie.

One day, we'll live a glamorous life. Where?

- London. - And who will we live amongst?

Beautiful people.

Have you decided what you want for your birthday yet?

Kind of, but I can't tell anyone what I want.

What I really, really want.

I'd get my head kicked in.

Really, really kicked in.

You can tell me.

Well...

I really, really want a Posh Spice doll.

But the new one, with fabulous concert outfits.

I'd like all the dolls, but Posh Spice is my favourite.

She's so fabulous.

I wish I was her.

- # If you want to be my lover - Attitude!

And while most lads would practise their first run onto the pitch at Wembley...

Tits out!

... Kylie and I spent our breaks rehearsing for that all-important first catwalk appearance.

Want a Posh Spice dolly-wolly, do you?

You big bender!

- # If you want to be my lover - Get him!

Miss! Miss!

I can't believe you're excluding him for two days.

Tough. He was fighting.

Jayeson got two days. Simon's got two days.

He's a lover, not a fighter.

Read my lips. He was fighting.

It's clear to anyone with half a brain he's been beaten up.

Excuse me, but I've got letters after me name.

Which ones? TSB? Thick Scouse Bitch?

- Listen, love... - Oh, don't love me, Ginger!

Debbie! Don't mind her, Miss Perrin.

- I'm not being funny. - Don't talk to me about funny.

My Aunty Sue's buried next to Stan Boardman's second cousin.

Go away, you're Joking!

- I used to love him in The Comedians. - I know.

The Germans bombed our chippy.

No, it's more like...

The Germans bombed our chippy.

- He's hilarious. - I know.

I love a man with an asymmetrical perm.

Anyway, that Jayeson Jackson...

Try saying that after two Bacardi and limes!

...said your Simon threw the first punch.

I never! He beat me up because he found out I wanted a Posh Spice doll for my birthday.

You know what I do with your exclusion, Miss Perrin? I spit on it.

My Simon has never done a thing wrong, and you're picking on him cos he's different.

He has done stuff wrong.

- I don't believe you. - Debs, come on.

Well, would you believe that he nicked my handbag?

It's a clutch bag.

Two days' exclusion, starting now.

Do a lot of people mistake you for Sonia?

Ginger Spice. Now... get out.

I don't like redheads. Never have. And do you know why?

You'll never guess what happened today?

- You punctured a barmaid again, playing darts? - Imagine this scenario.

Lady in the library, she's a Titian type.

Whenever I see her, I think, "I wonder if her downstairs hair is as red as her upstairs hair,"

And I don't want to be thinking that when I'm having a flick in Large Print.

You know that guy I told you about who picks the balls at Braille Bingo?

I mean, what did Fergie ever give to the world, hmm?

The Fergie bow. Two kids that look like horses.

He's only gone and asked me out.

I guess he goes for the hot-chick-with-guide-dog look.

I think they got that from their father's side.

Name me one member of the Royal Family who don't have a hint of Red Rum about 'em.

- Linda McCartney. - She's rock royalty.

Excuse me, newsflash! I have been asked out.

- Have you? By who? - Bingo Billy, with the balls.

He wants to take me up the Oracle.

- (Gasps) - The cinema!

Cinema? As in the visual medium of cinema?

I love a bit of Dolby surround sound.

- (Doorbell rings) - Is he taking the piss?

My mother wasn't a fan of the police, the band or the institution.

She Just had to see a copper and it was like a red rag to a bull.

In more ways than one.

Oh, here we go. What have you arrested her for this time, eh?

Nicking a penny chew from the pick'n'mix?

A criminally short skirt? You've got too much time on your hands since the IRA ceasefire.

Mrs Doonan...

It's a good Job I'm not black. You'd be beating me up.

- I'm not too young to remember Blair Peach. - Your daughter's done nothing wrong.

We live in a totalitarian state!

Them blokes from Strangeways had the right idea.

Ashlene's been the victim of a flasher.

As you were. Fascist.

Just this once. Don't tell your dad.

Someone flashed at your Great Aunty Sandra once, you know.

And less than six days later, your Uncle Tony found her squatting in Wimbledon,

stalking Billie Jean King.

You think I'm crying because he showed me his one-eyed trouser trout?

They can be very intimidating things at your age.

Well, any age. If you're lucky.

What was the most scary thing?

- He didn't want my phone number. - What?

And, what's worse, I dropped my Maybelline Fuller Lash Mascara Wand in the cop car.

That flasher's struck again.

Apparently, he grabs the girls' attention by waggling a thingy at them.

- He's a flasher, Andy. That's what they do. - No, a Spice Girls figurine.

Well, they are the must-have item of the season.

I mean, ten years ago, he would have used a Cabbage Patch doll.

- Do you still have nightmares about them? - Sporadically.

They don't come at me with knives any more. And they've stopped wearing gingham.

Do you think it's weird our Simon wants a whatshername for his birthday?

No more weird than him nicking that cow's handbag.

- He says he never. - And you believe him?

Is it such a crime to want a fecking doll for your birthday?

- You'll have to talk to him. - And say what, exactly?

Try and be a man? You're not leaving this house until you've turned into Arnold Schwarzenegger?

- Well, no... - Listen to me Debs, now!

We said we'd do things different to our parents, and we have.

I won't bully my son into being something that he's not.

So what are we meant to do?

Sit back and let the tough lads knock ten different types of shite out of him?

He's my son. I love the bones of him.

- Maybe we handled him wrong. - By loving him?

I'm worried. We've got to do something.

So you try butching him up a bit, and I'll buy him the doll.

- Which one is she? - Posh. The black one?

Fuck me! You seen how much they are?

My mother's motto was, if you can't afford it, make it yourself.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Simon, happy birthday to you #

- Ta-da! - What is it?

Teenage Mutant NinJa Turtle glove puppet.

Ta-da!

Roller boots.

Ta-da!

It's a Mr Blobby drinks mixer.

- (Buzzing) - Blobby blobby!

So, come the social event of the Reading season,

my fourteenth birthday party,

why change the habit of a lifetime?

- (Screams) - What? I think it looks nice.

The flasher had a doll.

- What is it? - What does it look like?

- A blacked-up Barbie. - Cindy, actually.

It's obviously convincing, cos it put the willies up Ashlene.

- You're so racist. - He's right.

If I'm a racist, Simon, how comes my best mate's a lady of an Asian persuasion?

Yeah, she ain't racist, she's racy!

- You always have to do it, don't you? - What, the Macarena at a party?

I can't help it, lover. It's in me waters. Come on, And.

Come on, Simon. The world's a brighter place when you're doing the Macarena.

- Ain't it the truth? - You always make me shit, woman!

All the bloody time.

I may as well stick a neon sign around my head, saying "Second-hand Rose".

Second-hand Rose!

- # Hey, Macarenal - That went down well.

Shall we have a bit of a breather?

Yeah, let's have a ciggie and get our breath back... you racist bitch!

I know what you're getting up to in there, Debbie.

She lets lads do the Macarena in there. It's not right, is it?

And they wonder why batty ho's are on the increase!

- He's not a total, is he? - Who?

- This bloke you're seeing. Is he a total? - Total what?

Butt out, doll lover.

"Total" means somebody who is totally blind.