Frasier

Hello, Steven.

I'm listening.

Well, you see, Dr. Crane,

My wife Tracy and I are having a baby,

and I know we're getting a little ahead of ourselves,

but there seems to be a lot of different advice

about whether it's okay

to let your kid climb into bed with you in the morning...

Ah! Stop right there, Steven. It's okay.

All relationships require

that kind of close and undivided attention.

Isn't that so, Roz?

Uh-huh.

But, um, what if you

and your wife enjoy, you know, making love in the morning?

Oh, trust me.

After the baby comes, that won't be an issue anymore.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL.

We'll be back after these messages.

Roz!

How can you

be reading now?

Oh, I don't know.

It's something I picked up in elementary school

and it stuck.

Just what is it that's so captivating?

Slow Tango in South Seattle.

Oh, God, not you too.

Why is it that every woman I see is carrying that book around?

Because it's impossible to put down.

Look... read the first paragraph.

I guarantee you'll be hooked.

"There are tangos

"that come flowing from the wine-colored sea,

"from the rust of a hundred sunken ships.

This is one of those dances."

Well?

There are books

that make your stomach rumble and lurch

and thrust your lunch ever upward.

This is one of those books.

You men are all alike.

You have no soul.

Oh, please...

Except for this one,

the future Mr. Roz Doyle: Thomas Jay Fallow.

Oh, my God, it's him.

What, do you know him?

Yes. Yes, he used to drop into a neighborhood bar

I frequented back in Boston.

He's a bit pretentious, though.

He stuck out like a sore thumb.

You used to drink with Thomas Jay Fallow?

Well, actually, I spent most of my time

helping him get through his writer's block.

In the future I'll remember

to use my powers for good and not for evil.

Well, I don't care what you think about him.

He's coming here to the station tomorrow

to be on Amber Edwards' "Book Chat,"

and you're going to introduce us. Oh, no, no, no,

I can't see him.

I'll have to tell him how much I liked his book.

You know how hard it is

to lie to someone's face.

Oh, no. It's easy for someone

as bright and charming and articulate as you.

Well... perhaps you're right.

See how easy it is?

Eight...

Nine...

Stop it, Eddie.

Oh, he just wants to play! Huh, boy?

Yeah, well, therapy is not a game.

Stop it. Stop it, I said!

If he keeps this up,

there's no point in us going on with these exercises.

Attaboy!

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Hello, Daphne.

Hey, Niles.

Oh, doing your exercises, I see.

Yes, and if someone doesn't let us get on with them,

he's going to get a little spank on his fanny.

Don't-don't-don't let me...

unless you want to...

I mean... ( clears throat )

What's up?

Ah, well... ( clears throat )

When I brought you a beer in your room the other day,

I couldn't help but notice

that you had pictures of Frasier and Frederick

and an autographed one

from someone named Ken Griffey Jr., but...

none of Maris and me, so I brought you this.

Oh, gee, thanks.

What's Maris doing wearing jodhpurs?

She hasn't taken up horseback riding, has she?

No, no. She wanted to,

but unfortunately, her little quadriceps are so tight,

she's incapable of straddling

anything larger than a border collie.

I can't believe this.

I simply cannot believe it.

What are you yapping about?

This... this book...

it was written by a man I knew.

He's taken an incident from my own life...

something I shared with him in confidence one night...

and he's turned it into this-this trash!

Slow Tango?

I just started reading that.

You mean to tell me that young man is based on you,

Dr. Crane?

Yes, he is,

but did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No!

My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgments!

What's it about, anyway?

That is not important.

It's about his first time.

Thank you, Daphne.

Your first time doing what?

Changing a flat tire.

Oh... Oh!

So this whole book's about the night

you conceived Frederick?

Very amusing, Dad.

I'll have you know

that was not my first time.

I happen to know it wasn't your only time.

Just who was this charitable lass?

That is not important.

His piano teacher.

His piano teacher?!

Thank you again, Daphne.

Well, it's not like it's a secret.

I mean, it's all right there in black and white,

about your awkward teenage lunging,

and how you used to call your chest hair

your "rug of love."

Well, not all of it's true.

He did take some literary license.

Oh, then you're not really able to bring a woman

"to hidden realms of ecstasy with your panther-like prowess"?

Well, that part he got right.

Boy, this really fries me, you know...

that woman taking advantage of my kid.

Not to mention I was putting out

ten bucks a week for piano lessons

so you could get your hedge trimmed.

Wait a minute.

We're not talking about Miss Warner?!

Don't tell me this was going on during your lessons too?

No. You'll be relieved to know

that while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninoffs,

I was actually studying music.

Now, look...

this was not some tawdry older woman

lusting after young flesh.

Clarice and I cared for each other.

She showed me a world I'd never known...

and wouldn't know again for six and a half years.

You know, it's true.

As Mr. Fallow put it,

she saw your sensitive, poetic side

and you couldn't help noticing the way

her ripe, heaving bosom would brush your cheek

when she reached for the metronome.

How can a man who drank so heavily

remember so much?

And yet he still conveniently forgot

who told him the story.

Yes, well, he's going to get a little reminder today.

No, no, no...!

Give it to me! Give it to me!

I want to see it! I want to see it! Give it to me!

"I budded when you kissed me.

"I withered when you left me.

I bloomed a few months while you loved me."

Would you calm down?

Not until I have exacted my pound of flesh.

Well, could you at least wait until I get my book signed?

Well, here, let me sign it for you.

It's my story!

Oh, give me that! Stop it!

Look, Roz, Roz,

you haven't told anyone about this, have you?

They'd have a field day with me.

Frasier, give me credit for a little discretion,

will you?

Hey, piano boy.

Way to pound those ivories.

Bulldog, Bulldog, listen, I...

It's imperative that this not be commonly known.

Hey, hey, Doc, it's no big deal.

Anything for you?

I still got some feeling on the other side of my head.

Look... I had a similar experience when I was 16,

with an older woman

who introduced me to the mysteries of love.