Asterix and the Vikings (Astérix et les Vikings)

Far, far to the north lies an unforgiving land,

where the nights last several moons, and the winters are cruel.

This is the land of the vikings.

Here, fierce chieftains lead their mighty warriors to battle.

Hello?

Anybody home?

By Thor!

It's always the same.

We raid, and nobody's there.

Are the gods angry with us?

Hear the words of the gods!

"Half a loaf of bread is better than none."

"The early bird gets the worm."

Cryptograf, make yourself useful for once.

Odin says...

How do our enemies vanish without a trace?

Odin says that fear lends them wings.

What did you say?

This thing "fear" gives them the power to fly?

- No, it was just a figure of speech. - Imagine if we could fly!

Excuse me, I think you've misinterpreted what...

We need to find a champion of fear, who will teach us this magic art.

With fear giving us wings, nothing will stand in our way.

Soon we can boast to the world, vikings know all about fear!

We are the most chicken-hearted, jelly-bellied, weak-kneed cowards of all!

Cowards! Cowards! Cowards!

I would give anything to whoever brings me that champion.

Anything?!

Cryptograf! Can you do it?

Odin says that the champion of fear is...

Located right...

Right...

Right there.

And where has the finger of fate pointed?

A village of steadfast gauls.

The last hold-out against the Roman empire.

Sharing mutual respect, harmony and understanding.

- Hi obelix. - So, asterix...

Anything exciting happening today?

No, not really.

- Hey, any trouble from the romans? - Nah, afraid not.

- My fish is rotten? - It's more than rotten, unhygienix...

I feel like something's missing around here.

I feel like something's missing around here.

Actually, there's a fish fight right now.

There is?

Want to join in?

- I suppose so. - But obelix, no stones, okay?

- Well, at least they're fresh. - Stop the fight!

Stop, I say!

Stop it!

I hold in my hand a letter from my brother doublehelix,

the renowned warrior. The famous hero of the battle of gergovia,

who fought side by side with the great vercingetorix.

But what's the news?

Oh, yes.

He's sending his son justforkix here from parisium.

Now, you're my two finest warriors.

I'm giving you the job of training justforkix to be a man.

We'll make him the greatest warrior Gaul's ever seen!

We must prepare a grand feast in his honor.

All right, people, you know what to do.

Hey, dudes.

So...

Are you... of course you are...

Justforkix!

This is justforkix, son of my brother doublehelix, the renowned warrior.

- The famous hero of the battle of... - Yeah, yeah. Big deal.

These are my finest warriors, asterix and obelix.

They're in charge of your training.

Hello.

Hey, look at that. Is that your bird?

Yeah, that's sms... Shortmessageserviceix.

I send sms's to all my babes.

Guess you're not into new technology, in the sticks.

Hey, what's for dinner?

We've prepared an exquisite hors d'oeuvre...

We've prepared an exquisite hors d'oeuvre...

- I told you so! - Not fresh?! Why you!

It's great about parisium that it's a 24-hour town.

Yeah, well, you know. Open all night. Trance, dance, the works. It's pretty cool.

You want some wild boar?

Oh, yeah! No. I don't eat meat, just vegetables.

Vegetables? But, you don't understand. I bagged the boar myself!

Come on, try a teeny-weenie bite. When I was your age I ate nothing but boar.

Boar pudding. Boar pot pie. Boar cake with marmalade...

- Don't force him, you'll turn him off. - Look at him. See how skinny he is?

If we want to make a warrior out of him, we've got to get him to eat.

Man! This really is the sticks!

Cacofonix, warble one tune, and you'll be singing in a boys choir.

Barbarian!

- You want to dance? - To this?!

No way! Celtic music is, like, so ancient history!

So, uh... what's, like, groovy right now?

Let me show you how we get down'n dirty

back in the catacombs of parisium.

Hey, are you in the flow, bro?

Oh, yeah. I'm down and dirty, bro.

Sure you packed everything, olaf? Your mace?

Sure you packed everything, olaf? Your mace?

Dad, please!

This is my 34th or 35th raid.

- Oh, honey, come here a sec. - Yes, dear.

While you pillage the barbarians, drop by their temple and pick up some chandeliers.

- Yes, dear. - And here's a list of furniture I want.

I want a selection of economical but stylish tables, bookcases and cabinets,

in oak and teak, that are easily assembled. You got that?

Yes, vikea.

We could use a new pair of matching skulls.

We could use a new pair of matching skulls.

Okay, is it time to go? I'm all ready.

Abba, I've told you a hundred times. This is.

Abba, I've told you a hundred times. This is.

Oh, daddy, please? Pretty please?

Let me come, just this once, and then I'll never bother you again, I promise.

Well...

Absolutely not! No women or children on board!

- Why? - Don't argue.

I have spoken, by Thor and odin put together!

Don't you go berserk on me, young lady!

I'll make another list.

No women?! No children on board?!

Being a girl sucks!

Heave!

Heave away, lads.

Justforkix? Time to start training to become a warrior.

It's not even noon, yet. Wake me up at 3.

Obelix? May I?

Pirates!

Gauls!

Being a man sucks.

No, no, no...

Gentleman, how is my nephew doing?

- Fantastic, he's doing great. - Great might not be the word, exactly.

- Oh, yeah. He's doing really great. - Let's say we're doing our best.

Impedimenta! Bring him in!

Go on.

No! No, not them!

Please! Please! Don't leave me alone with them!

Is that what you call fantastic?! Great progress?!

I gave you a mission to make a man of him.

- Nobody asked me if I wanted to be a man. - That's enough.

You'll carry on. And you two better find something he likes to do!

It's ready!

- We getting ready for a party? - Sort of.

But first you need a little pick-me-up.

Whoa, thanks Sonny.

Yeah, I'm not drinking that. It's not organic.

Wait!

- Wait, it's good for you. - Look at him go!

It'll make you manly! It'll put hair on your chest!

You don't have any. Come to think of it, neither do I.

Obelix!

Thank you.

- Salmon or salmon. - Salmon.

- Salmon or... - Salmon.

- Salmon or salmon. - Salmon... salmon.

You new? I don't know you.

Yeah...

Abba! What are you doing here?!

- I said you can't come! - I've had it up to here with can't!

I'm not staying at home anymore!

- Is it right to treat women like slaves? - Yeah!

Well, one day we're going to be equal to men!

Yeah!

- Are you finished? - No, I'm not!

Women want to fly, too. We want to learn fear!

- We can be just as scared as men. - Yeah!

- Who is this new guy? - That's my daughter, COD brain!

Your daughter's a man?

Land ahead!

Okay, men! Back in your seats and fasten your seatbelts!

We're getting ready for landing.

Um, guys?

I'm really not sure about this.

Just relax, it'll be fun! Everybody's going.

- Is this where the party is? - You could say that.

Long live pax romana!

- What is that?! - Whoa!

Cesar forever!

That's oleaginous. He's new round here.

- Can I take this one? - Leave him to the kid.

Right, asterix. Leave him to it. Come on.

All right, all right. Take it easy.

Would your highness care to do the honors?

Would your highness care to do the honors?

On 3.

- Are you crazy? - 1.

- I'm a pacifist! - 2.

- I'm not going to fight anyone! - 3!

- Hey, you did it! - First one down!

Yeah! Well done!

They're animals!

- Let me out of here! - Second door on the right, past the tent.

Thank you.

- Hey, the kid's getting into it. - I knew he'd like it.

Crazy!

They're all crazy!

Vikings!

At last, my fist raid. I can't wait!