New Girl

Coach and May are fighting. We don't want to disturb them.

They're not fighting.

I know how to read body language. Look.

Her arms are crossed

in a position of dominance, and he's playing his forehead

- like a piano. - Will you clowns focus?

My waffle is in the toaster, and if I wait too long

- after it pops, it'll get hard. - Look,

I know about relationships.

Winston can vouch for me.

That girl, KC, just texted him,

"What's up?"

- That riddler. - So I had him text back

an empty bubble.

Is he thinking about her?

Or is a baby playing with the phone?

She don't know, but she want to know.

- There she is. There she is. - Oh.

Hey.

- Morning. - Hello. How do?

Hey. Oh, someone left a waffle in the toaster.

Bye, guys.

Man, this waffle had better be hot

- or I am going Durst on y'all. - Hey...

- Coach. - Why...

- Jess, are you talking like that? - She thinks you

- and May are fighting. - No, we're not fighting.

We did break up, though.

Oh, my God, I knew it.

I mean, I'm so sorry. What happened?

May accepted a job in New York

as a section musician for the Met.

Oh, has Alan taken a liking to her? Oh, bravo.

Good for... You know, I've always been a fan of his.

When he conducted, uh, Das Rheingold

with the Royal Stockholm Orchestra, it was magnificent.

- Jar or slap? - I don't have any cash on me.

- Good slap. - Are you okay?

Do you want to talk about it?

No, I'm good. Yeah. I'll miss her, but...

we're still friends. We're cool.

- I'm cool. - Cool. All right.

He is not good.

Winston, get back here! We need to powwow about May and Coach!

Winnie's gonna need a minute.

S04E21 Panty Gate

What are you reading? What is...

One Woman's Journey Up Inside Herself?

It's really inspiring.

I actually want to be the woman in this book.

"Finding inner strength in a time of crises."

Cece, are you in crises?

I'm fine. Cece's fine.

How are you? How's Fawn holding up?

If you must know, my paramour Councilwoman Fawn Moscato

has been so strong since the incident.

You know, reporters are calling it Panty-Gate.

There's pictures of her naked lady-bottom

all over the Internet. Sid,

put the phone away.

You picked it up right when I said "naked lady-bottom."

- Please. - You guys are good, then?

You know, 'cause the last time we spoke,

you said you were feeling a little, you know, used.

Well, not anymore. We're a team now.

Fawn and Schmidt.

Fawmidt.

- Vomit? - No,

- Fawmidt. - You're saying the word "vomit."

No, I don't hear that, but okay.

Fawn's holding a press conference later today,

and I don't mean to toot my own shofar, but I'll be

- standing there right by her side. - So this scandal

is actually bringing you two closer together.

Team Fawmidt has never been stronger.

I heard it there.

Wow, that sounds exactly like "vomit."

- That's a problem. - Mm-hmm.

"Roughly the same length as The Pearl."

How is that a pull quote?

And that...

is how babies get made.

It's gross, right?

How does the sperm find the egg?

Propelled by its tail,

the sperm travels up the canal until it reaches the egg.

Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches,

but for Mr. Sperm there

it's miles away.

Miles and miles and miles away.

It's almost like...

why would the egg want to be so far away from the sperm?

You know? Like, didn't the egg and the sperm

have a great time together?

And then you're just gonna pack your bags and leave

and go to New York?

To play music with some other sperm.

You're just-just gonna leave? You're gonna leave your sperm

and go play music with other sperms?

And I'm cool with that! I'm cool with that!

You know, I got eggs. I have eggs on deck!

This sperm got swag. All those other sperms

ain't got swag like me. Can any other sperm

sport this much green and still look dope? No!

That ain't tight! This is tight!

This is tight!

I just want you

to come back, and I...

I guess I chose the wrong day to observe Health.

I miss her!

May.

Listen, thanks for standing next to me up there, Ponyboy.

I hope this show of remorse

will keep these reporters off my back.

Oh, I know it will. And then, you know what,

once this is over, maybe we get out of here

- for a little bit. Lay low, - Oh.

- Rent a cabin in the woods, - Yeah.

- Read some poetry, have horizontal sex. - Okay,

two of those three things sound like fun.

Now, here's your statement

- in case you're asked any questions. - Oh, a st...

I'm not gonna need a statement. I'm a seasoned improviser.

Hey, guys. We're the Belly Laughs.

- So, I need a location. - How 'bout fat camp?

That's adorable. But just, please, read what I wrote.

I will. But I'm not gonna do it until I get out there.

You're gonna want me in the moment for this.

Okay.

Good afternoon.

Um, before I answer any of your questions,

my partner would like to read a statement.

Honey.

I am a sick man.

On Saturday last, Councilwoman Moscato

was caught not wearing underpants because I...

I asked her not to wear them.

Why?

Because it turns me on.

What I did was wrong.

I'm so sorry, Fawn.

I'm sorry, Los Angeles.

And I'm sorry to the man upstairs,

my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

- Dress shirts on a Monday? - You know how it is.

Coach breaks up with a lady, we take him out,

- and he gets loaded. - Yeah,

I know how it usually goes

when Coach breaks up with a girl, but May is different.

Sometimes she comes over and they don't even have sex.

- I don't get that. - Trust me, I am right

about this, just like I was right about them fighting.

I'm on, like, a streak here. I might just be...

an expert in love. Like a...

you know, like a love doctor, if you will.

I will not. You are the least qualified person

to call themselves a doctor of love.

Exhibit "A": You dated me.

I rest my case.

Court is adjourned.

Guilty as charged.

Put... I would stop that.

Case... rested. Listen, I got to say

I agree with Nick on this one, Jess.

I mean, it's been a whole day,

and KC still hasn't texted me.

Well, that's just proof that the bubble is working.

Look, you guys, Coach needs to talk to May.

Trust me. He is in pain.

I'm happy and I'm healthy and I'm ready to party!

Let's get drunk!

You're wrong.

Coach.

Do you want to talk about what happened today

- or... - Talk about what?

No.

Hey, um, actually, can you do me a favor?

May's gonna be recording later.

She's gonna stop by and pick up her rubber circle.

- May has a diaphragm? - No,

it's the thing that you put on the floor

to stabilize the cello.

- Condom. - No.

No, it's the thing you put on the floor

to make sure the cello stays put.

- Cello stabilizer. - Oh, yeah. Cello stabilizer.

Oh. Well, wouldn't you like to be here

- when she comes by? - No, that's gonna be hella weird.

- I want to party! - Yeah!

I'm gonna do this and gonna do this, this,

this, this, this.

What was that speech?

I'm sorry, okay? I told you to read the statement beforehand

and then you told me that terrifying story

about doing improv at a fat person's camp.

I didn't know that the statement

was gonna blame me for Panty-Gate.

And by the way, for your information,

the Belly Laughs did not "do" improv.

- We reinvented it. - I know you must be embarrassed,