Fluorescent Beast

Ah fuck.

A young boy is asked by his teacher to draw a picture.

-Jeez. -The teacher asks him to draw a picture of his family.

I know this one already. Spare me, will ya?

Asks him to draw a picture of his family.

Motherfuck!

So the boy draws a picture of his family,

standing in front of their house,

on their front lawn, on a bright sunny day.

He hands it to the teacher,

who looks it over carefully and says,

"Well, I can see your father, your mother,

your sister, your baby brother and your dog, but...

-where are you in this picture?" -Shut up.

And the boy says, "You didn't ask me to draw myself.

-You asked me to draw my family." -Shut up.

And the teacher says,

"But aren't you a member of your family?"

-Shut up! -

Don't forget to let the dog out.

-Mm. -First thing.

I'm on it.

-Also, the dishwasher's ready to be emptied. - Got it.

And can I get the green tea this morning,

with a splash of milk extra and a dollop

of that new Australian honey I bought?

-Right. - And Nelson?

Mm?

Smile.

[music stops, fluorescent light buzzing]

Welcome, my friend,

to Consolidated Investment Enterprises Incorporated,

your portal to the world of international business.

And the place free donuts go to die.

-It's your first day, right? - Yeah.

How you liking it so far?

Uh, it's good, everybody's really nice.

Uh, just trying to keep all the names straight.

Yeah, I hear ya.

You, uh, you see the redhead down in shipping yet, huh?

-Huh? - Uh? Uh, no, not yet.

How about the brunette? The brunette outside of McCready's office.

Oh, am I right, or am I right?

I'm gonna guess you're right.

Hey, I'm right, I'm right. A lot of perks

in this place if you know where to look.

If you play nice, there could be a big future here for you.

Oh, well, I don't know about that.

To be honest, I don't know how long I'm gonna be working here.

Oh, no?

Yeah, this is, like,

just to make ends meet right now.

Uh, it's my band, actually.

Yeah, we're putting out an album soon, so--

You're a musician?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I was just saying,

we have our album coming out soon, so

this is temporary.

And I got married last year,

just trying to be at least a little financially

responsible until it comes out.

Yeah, no, no, I know what you mean.

Um, I'm actually a novelist.

Novelist... okay.

-What, I am. -

I'm working on a book right now, in fact.

Hell of a book.

Just gotta, you know, I just gotta finish it up.

So I get what you mean.

You know, you make ends meet

until the art pays off, right?

Exactly, man, yeah, he gets it.

How long you been here?

-Not long. -Um, excuse me, how long?

-Not long. -Ten?

-Eight. -Eight.

Right, okay, it's eight.

Years.

Oh, yeah, Shakespeare.

You're busting out of here any day now.

My Kindle thirsts for your tortured prose.

Now, as for you, McCartney,

let me show you the blonde down in HR.

Okay, you do know I'm gay, right?

Oh, not for long you're not,

she's so dumb, it's awesome.

[fluorescent light buzzing intensifies]

Nelson, is my tea ready?

Yeah, I'll be out in a minute.

-It cools off quickly. -

I wouldn't leave it on the counter too long.

- - Oh, my,

- -oh, my,

so many options tonight.

- -Entire seasons we can binge.

Do you have a preference?

No, anything's fine.

Perhaps something funny.

Oh, I think I decided

not to go back to work when she's born.

We'll have to tighten the ship a little,

but you'll keep earning, so we'll be fine.

- -Oh.

Um, uh, okay.

I mean, that's all right, isn't it?

I'll be here working full-time raising your child.

You'll provide for us?

Yeah.

No, y-- yeah, of course, sure.

Good.

- -What about this one?

I understand the homosexual neighbor

character is quite hilarious.

You know, I think I'm gonna skip out on this tonight.

You know, jump on the laptop, try to get some writing done.

Really? Now?

-Well-- - Is that wise?

You can write any time.

Remember, once she's born,

things are gonna get very, very busy.

You and I sitting together and relaxing,

that will become a rare luxury.

We should do as much of that as we can now.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

Sure, of course, you're right.

Good.

Now, get ready to laugh.

I know I am.

- -

I am very tired, Nelson.

Yeah, no, of course you are,

I'm sorry, that's my bad.

Listen, you know, I should

probably get some writing done anyway.

Are you sure? You need your sleep.

Yeah, no, just a couple pages, I promise.

I gotta get something done tonight.

You'll be more productive if you rest, Nelson.

-Yeah, no, no, no. -

Fuck.

Don't you dare start.

Two men share a hospital room.

-Fuck! -Each in their own bed.

Goddamn it!

One man has a bed facing the window,

the other facing a wall.

The man facing the wall, unable to move,

becomes increasingly sad,

seeing only a gray, blank surface day and night.

So the man facing the window

begins to describe the things he can see outside

in order to cheer him up.

The sunshine, the moonlight,

children playing in the park across the street,

lovers holding hands as they take a stroll--

How about asshole doppelgängers who won't shut the fuck up?

Does he see any of those out there?

This does indeed

lift the spirits of the man who'd been facing the wall,

and soon he recovers from his illness.

The man facing the window, however, grows weaker

and eventually dies.

As he's being discharged,

the man who'd been facing the wall

goes over to the other man's bed to look out the window,

hoping to finally see with his own eyes,

all of the beautiful things

that had been described to him by his friend,

only to discover...

...that this window looked out onto an alley,

onto another blank wall.

-Fuck you! -