Shrek

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort...

which could only be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle...

guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.

Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but none prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep...

in the highest room of the tallest tower...

for her true love and true love's first kiss.

Like that's ever gonna happen.

What a load of...

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I am not the sharpest tool in the shed.

She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb.

In the shape of an I on her forehead.

The years start coming and they don't stop coming.

Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running.

Didn't make sense not to live for fun.

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do So much to see.

So what's wrong with taking the backstreets.

You'll never know if you don't go.

You'll never shine if you don't glow.

Hey, now You're an all-star.

Get your game on, go play.

Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid.

And all that glitters is gold.

Only shooting stars break the mould.

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder.

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older.

But the meteor men beg to differ.

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin.

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim.

My world's on fire How about yours.

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

Hey, now, you're an all-star.

Get your game on, go play.

Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid.

And all that glitters is gold.

Only shooting stars break the mould.

- Go! - Go!

Go. Go. Go.

Hey, now You're an all-star.

Get your game on, go play.

Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid.

And all that glitters is gold.

Only shooting stars break the mould.

- Think it's in there? - AI right. Let's get it!

Whoa. Ho ID on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.

Now, ogres... They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

- No! - They'll shave your liver.

Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

- Actually, it's quite good on toast. - Back! Back, beast!

Back! I warn ya!

Right.

This is the part where you run away.

And stay out!

Wanted. Fairy tale creatures.

All right. This one's full.

Take it away!

- Move it along. Come on! Get up! - Next!

Give me that! Your flying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

- Get up! Come on! - Twenty pieces.

Sit down there!

Keep quiet!

This cage is too small.

Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

- Oh, shut up. Oh! - Next!

- What have you got? - This little wooden puppet.

I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Five shillings for the possessed toy.

- Take it away. - Father, please! Don't let them do this!

- Help me! - Next. What have you got?

Well, I've got a talking donkey.

Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Well?

Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you bone headed dolt...

- That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! - No, no, he talks!

He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

- Get her out of my sight. - No, no!

I swear! Oh! He can talk!

Hey! I can fly!

- He can fly! - He can fly!

- He can talk! - Ha, ha! That's right, fool!

Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a house fly, maybe even a super fly,

but I bet you are not never seen a donkey fly.

Ha, ha!

Uh-oh.

Seize him!

After him! He's getting away!

Get him! This way! Turn!

You there. Ogre!

Aye?

By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am

authorised to place you both under arrest...

and transport you to a designated... resettlement facility.

Oh, really? You and what army?

Can I say something to you?

Listen, you was really, really something back there. Incredible!

Are you talking to... me? Whoa!

Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you

that you was great back there? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam!

They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods.

That really made me feel good to see that.

- Oh, that's great. Really. - Man, it's good to be free.

Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

But, uh, I don't have any friends.

And I'm not going out there by myself.

Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're a mean, green, fighting machine.

Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Oh, wow! That was really scary.

If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work,

your breath certainly will get the job done,

'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose,

just like the time...

Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Why are you following me?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause I'm all alone.

There's no one here beside me.

My problems have all gone.

There's no one to deride me.

But you gotta have friends...

Stop singing!

It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Uh...

- Really tall? - No! I'm an ogre.

You know. Grab your torch and pitchforks.

Doesn't that bother you?

Nope.

- Really? - Really, really.

- Oh. - Man, I like you. What's your name?

Uh, Shrek.

Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of.

I-don't-care-what-nobody... thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right.

Wooh! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

That would be my home.

Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.

You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget.

I like that Boulder. That is a nice Boulder.

I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

I like my privacy.

You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common.

Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face.

You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave.

There's that awkward silence.

- Can I stay with you? - Uh, what?

Can I stay with you, please?

- Of course! - Really?

- No. - Please! I don't wanna go back there!

You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do.

But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay!

- Please! Please! - Okay! Okay!

- But one night only. - Ah! Thank you!

- What are you... No! No! - This is gonna be fun!

We can stay up late, swapping manly stories,

and in the morning I'm making waffles.

- Oh! - Where do, uh, I sleep?

Outside!

Oh, well, I guess that's cool.

I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me,

so I guess outside is best, you know.

Here I go.

Good night.

I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey.

I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know.

By myself, outside.

I'm all alone There's no one here beside me.

I thought I told you to stay outside.

I am outside.

Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

What a lovely bed.

- Got ya. - I found some cheese.

- Ow! - Blah! Awful stuff.

- Is that you, Gorder? - How did you know?

Enough! What are you doing in my house?

Hey!

Oh, no, no, no.

Dead broad off the table.

Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.