Portrait of Jason

Miss Shirley Clarke.

Portrait of Jason.

Roll 1, sound 1.

Okay, roll it.

Sound rolling. Camera rolling.

Okay, Jason, go.

My name is Jason Holliday.

My name is Jason Holliday.

My name is Aaron Payne.

- What do you mean, Aaron Payne? - Aaron Payne.

That was my given name.

And in San Francisco I got hung up with a group of people

that were under the influence of Sabu.

He was changing people's names to suit their personalities,

and I changed my name.

Jason Holiday was created in San Francisco.

And San Francisco

is a place to be created.

Believe me.

Do you like the name Aaron Payne?

As Aaron Payne, I...

I was pretty...far out.

Not any further than I am now, but...

I was...

Oh, well, it had unpleasant memories that

lead to the state of depression

And I just thought,

being with those people in San Francisco

whose personalities were suiting their names

that if I found myself another name and gave myself another chance,

I'd be happier.

And I dug being called Jason.

Like all my hip friends and the people that I knew,

I told them my name is Jason now.

And they call me that. But a few evil people, you know,

every now and then they'll call you Aaron.

And I remember once in San Francisco, I told Miles Davis,

I said my name is Jason.

And Miles said, "Shit, that ain't none of your name."

But he was hip enough to call me Jason. He hasn't called me Aaron since.

And as Jason, I really have discovered a new personality.

I'm a lazy cat.

I've always wanted to really jump into it, but...

I kept avoiding it somehow.

Like I made an excuse for

accepting other people's problems and putting down my own.

And I always became this one or that one's flunky

or anything to do to keep from facing what I really wanted to do.

And now I kind of, like, want to do it.

And Jason sort of is giving me the strength to do it.

Like, I came back to New York after being away for three, four, five years,

and some old friends that you don't even see anymore,

and the new ones, or the ones that you keep,

I told them my name was Jason.

And I was able to establish that.

I got the social security card Jason Holliday.

I have a cabaret license.

Uh...

Believe me, there's something to the name.

You know, if the name rings a bell to you, and makes you feel well,

then take the name.

What do you do for a living, Jason?

I hustle.

I am a stone whore.

And I'm not ashamed of it.

Like, I have a friend in this town who's a school teacher,

who doesn't teach in the public school system.

But she goes from house to house teaching kids that can't go to school.

And one day on the street, she said something to me very hip.

She said, Jason everyone in New York has a gimmick.

And mine is teaching school.

So I found out that mine was hustling.

Now I have more than one hustle.

I'll come on as a maid or a butler or a flunky.

Anything to keep from punching the clock from 9 to 5.

Because every time I punch that clock from 9 to 5,

it's been a job that's been such a drag, it makes you sick.

And what I really want to do, is what I'm doing now, is perform.

And you just, you get hung up.

I'm scared of responsibility.

I'm scared of myself because

I'm a pretty frightening cat, you know.

People that know me will tell you that.

But, like, I don't mean any harm. But the harm is done, you know.

Like a friend of mine says, "If there's a way of fouling it up,

you'll find the way."

And yet I'm trying all the time to get in there and pitch.

Out! Alright.

And so now I think that I'm just, going to just force myself on.

Keep sound rolling.

I'm making the scene now at Bellevue with two head-shrinkers, psychiatrists.

And these are cats that get into your business, you know.

And then you gotta to be hip enough

for just how much of your business you want to let them get into.

So you go and get yourself together and you go there and you turn 'em on.

This other cat, one doctor, this past couple of weeks,

he just keeps harping on sex.

Well, sex is the thing I'm trying to forget!

Because I've spent so much of my life being sexy...

as you can see, that I haven't gotten anything else done.

You dig, I've been balling from Maine to Mexico.

I haven't got a dollar to show for it.

But I had a swell time, you understand?

But then it comes to a point in your life where you gotta say: Alright.

Okay, you know. Sex has got to go. Cool it.

A very prominent jazz musician girlfriend of mine told me,

she went three years, you know, without touching anybody.

You gotta get interested in bread.

Bread is money, and if you keep balling your life away,

there's no money involved.

The next thing you know you're skinny and narrow and

ain't nothing happening.

And then, like a friend of mine said, I spent 8 years being a lover,

and now I want to learn how to play my bass.

You understand? Huh?

That's been the story of my life.

So now, I am, you know... like, pleasing myself.

You know, I think about where I've been and how groovy it's been, and,

like, no more too much carrying on.

Maybe like on special occasions like Valentine's Day and Christmas

and your birthday, you know?

And a full moon Saturday night, you know.

But other than that, you can't let it be a hang-up.

Hang-UP!

That's the story of peoples' lives. That's the reason you don't get anything done.

You're hung-up, you know,

and everybody wants what isn't good for him.

Or, what? The grass is always greener, you know.

And me?

I guess I'm a male bitch.

You know, because I go out of my way to unglue people, you know.

The ones that I think that have tendencies that might make it

or fake it.

Oh, I come on to them strong.

Okay, cut.

- I cut already. - You let it go off track'?

- I let it go off track. - Yeah.

- Rolling. - Rolling.

Would you give me a drink please?

Would you give me a drink please?

Thank you.

Wow.

You know, sometimes when you get uptight

you have to have a way to really function, you know.

When you don't wanna go and punch a clock from 9 to 5,

you have to some kind of gimmick, something that you do.

And I got hung up being a houseboy.

And I have enjoyed it quite a bit.

I've worked for a lot of fabulous people, which they think it's a joke.

I didn't know one thing from the other from being a houseboy.

I got a book from the library and I found out, you know,

how much wrong can you do, you know?

And I can cook a little bit.

And I can do a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

And once you get involved with people, that you know

That after they get to dig you, you know,

you can cover up for a lot of things that you don't do.

They'll tolerate for the satisfaction. That's a little extra you give 'em.

And I was working in San Francisco for a very rich woman up on Nob Hill

who was a riot. This woman was the camp.

And she had an alcoholic husband. She had one husband she had buried.

And this other one, he was on his way to the loony bin,

from too much booze, from trying to get away from her.

And they'd shipped him off to some nut house,

out in Berkeley.

And I used to go over there every weekend and take his laundry.

And he'd give me 20 dollars or so and he'd always say to me:

"How is that woman?"

And I'd say, 'Well, you know, she's trying."

And he'd say, "Yes, she always gets everything so confused!"

And I found out, amongst the rich,

when you say they're confused, that's a terrible insult.

That's a nice way of saying that they're crazy

and I'd get back and she'd say to me:

"Did he give you any money?"

And I'd say, "Yes. He did."

And she'd say, 'Well, what was he saying?"

I said, well, he asked me how you were and how things were going and

he seems to think that you've got things confused.

She says, "Confused?

I'll confuse him!"

"Confuse him!"

And then the pills would start going, you know.

And I had the same going with her:

I used to tip-toe around backwards and help her with this and that.

But when I gave her a pill, every day at lunch-time at 1 o'clock, it knocked her out.

She'd sleep 'til four. And they had a Hungarian shepherd, a Puli.

Dog and I would go down to, I call it "Neurotic Park,"

but in San Francisco, they call it Aquatic Park.

There's nothing down there but a bunch of neurotics like

the Italians all on one end, the faggots all on another end,

the muscle men all on the other end and the dope fiends all in the middle.

That's where I was...Yes!

In the middle.

Heck, yeah!

And I went on from there, you know.

And I've had different houseboy jobs where...

you have to... They think that...

Well, they want to have a lot of fun with you, you know.

Like, one woman, an old rich woman, said to a friend one day, she said,