God Friended Me

Previously on "God Friended Me"...

A few days ago, someone calling themselves God

on Facebook started sending me

random friend suggestions, like Cara.

You wanna figure out who's screwing with you,

I'm a journalist, I know how to find people.

Maybe we'll do some good in the process.

That wouldn't be so bad.

My father's a reverend.

We got the whole Luke/Vader dynamic going on.

- You wanna talk about baseball? - I wanna talk about anything.

The only one side of conversation that we're having

is this one, and you would know that

if you listened to my podcast.

My sister Ali, he really wants us to be a family again.

What is it gonna take

to bring the two of you back together?

I'm just not good at relationships.

Now that you find someone you actually like,

you're scared you're gonna screw it up.

I put my two weeks in.

I'm finally getting out of this place.

I know what's best for your show.

It's not what's best for me right now.

I'm ready to have a real conversation.

Are you?

"Sell out"?

"Hypocrite"?

I lost half my listeners?

What the... ?

Bro, you got some seriously pissed off atheists

on your hands. Like, what happened in

your last podcast? You interview the pope

- or something? - No, no.

I... I talked about how I wanted to start a real conversation,

and this was their reaction.

"Hope you burn in hell."

That's a mixed message for an atheist.

Dude, I gave up the job of a lifetime at Frequency

to do my own thing,

build my podcast into something real.

Now, how am I ever gonna do that

when I can't even hang on to the listeners I already have?

Uh, Miles, I'm gonna need you to head down to HR

at some point and fill out all new paperwork.

What're you talking about?

You gave your two weeks' notice, remember?

Technically, you need to be re-hired.

Oh, and, uh, set aside a Saturday

for new employee orientation.

Welcome back to iDentitySeal.

I really hate Phil.

I'm gonna be working here for the rest of my life, aren't I?

- Oh, you gotta be kidding me. - What?

- God likes tacos? - You love tacos.

God account knows everything about you, man.

Can you be serious for one second?

This is the first time the account has sent us

- a like of something - What do you think it means?

I don't know, but we're gonna go down there

- and figure it out. - Oh, oh, we are?

Yes, everything was great until the God account

came crashing down on me.

Now I need to get my life back together.

And the only way to do that is to figure out who's behind this

and put an end to it. Come on, let's go.

Okay.

- Good morning, Ali. - You're out of almond milk.

Don't you mean, "We're out of almond milk"?

Oh, I... I cleared out half the closet for you

while you were at work last night.

If that isn't love I don't know what the hell is.

Is this crazy?

Moving in together or coffee without almond milk?

I told Miles, but I didn't tell my dad,

and he still thinks I'm living in the graduate dorm.

We've been dating for almost two years.

How surprised do you think he's gonna be?

Surprised isn't the emotion I'm worried about.

Then what are you worried about?

After I came out,

it took him some time to make his peace with it.

I know Arthur supports who you are,

but do you know in the entire time we've been dating

I've only met him a total of three times?

- So? - So,

maybe him supporting who you are

and engaging with who you are are two different things.

You have dinner with him and Miles tonight, right?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Tell him you moved in with your girlfriend,

because you're in loving and committed relationship

and see how he feels about it.

Okay. I will.

But not tonight.

It just posted.

What did?

Your last article is trending

at the top of the "Catapult" leaderboard.

Top viewed story two weeks in a row.

What's your secret?

- Cara, Parker. - Natalie.

I wanted to let you know there might be a senior position

- opening in features. - Really?

We're a few months from making any decision,

but I've been thinking you might be a good fit.

She remembered my name.

It's progress.

Granted, I've been working here almost a year, but still.

A senior position in features

and she thinks I'd be a good fit?

You'd crush it in features.

You know what? We're going out.

Tomorrow night, karaoke.

_

Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

I have to go.

Is this that guy who thinks he's friends with God?

No, he doesn't actually think that.

He's an atheist. I'm just helping him

- get to whoever's behind it. - At a taco truck?

I go where the stories take me.

Karaoke, right? Tomorrow night?

Yes. And why don't you invite your professional interest

to join us so I can vet him,

make sure you're not falling for a Looney Tune.

I'm not falling for anyone.

Guys, I texted Jaya to ask her if she wanted to come

meet us down here for some heavenly tacos.

Her response is literally "LOL."

Mm.

I'm beginning to feel like she's not taking me seriously,

like I'm in the friend zone or something.

I'm gonna need to make a bold move,

make my intentions clear.

- You could tell her. - Oh.

When you guys are done talking about

Rakesh's love life, I could really use your help.

I'm starting to sense this is about

more than just a taco truck.

He lost half his podcast listeners

and now he's blaming the God account

- for getting in his head. - I'm sorry.

- Yeah. - Is there anything we can do?

Let's just find this guy and tell him I'm out.

I need my life back.

No more God account screwing stuff up.

Okay, well, even if they are here,

how are we gonna flush 'em out? They could be anyone.

We could poke 'em.

- What? - Like, on Facebook.

We could... we could... we could poke 'em,

and see if they react on their phone,

- and if they do... - Then we know who they are.

Bro, this is a great idea.

_

Whoa. Hey, that kid just took my wallet.

- Dude, that was crazy, man. - Did you catch him?

Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse.

Yo, log into your iDentitySeal account,

- cancel your card, okay? - Thanks, yes, yes.

What?

The God account liked the taco truck.

I come down here, poke the account,

basically announcing that I'm here,

and seconds later this kid steals my wallet?

Wait, so you think the pickpocketing kid

- works for the God account? - I think any person

who's able to hack into my life

up to this point could pretty much do whatever they want.

- _ - Perfect timing.

Ray Nicolette?

Forget him. We gotta find this kid.

Hey, uh, Miles, you might wanna see this.

I don't care about another friend suggestion, okay?

We find the kid, we find out who's behind the God account.

Look what Ray Nicolette does for a living.

He's a private investigator?

Who better to track someone down?

- That's a good idea. - Just so we're clear,

you wanna hire one of our friend's suggestions

- to track down the God account. - I absolutely do.

And when we find him,

we put an end to this once and for all.

Okay, so...

How did you hear about me?

Uh, we found your name on the internet.

Uh, your website hasn't been updated for a while.

You used to work for the NYPD?

Twenty years. Pension allows me

to work when I want,

not work when I don't want,

so, why don't you just tell me what this is all about

- and we'll go from there? - Well, I was at this taco truck

and some kid stole my wallet,

and we need you to help us find him.

You wanna hire a private investigator

- to help find your wallet? - It was a gift.

Sentimental value.

Why don't you take a swing at it?