Filthy Preppy Teen$

As we begin a new school year,

I have some subjectively bad news.

Many of you may have heard that

our two most popular and wealthy students,

Meegan and Chaad Bishop, were tragically

lost at sea three months ago

and are presumed dead.

We can only hope

that they died quickly.

To recite a few lines, we have our own

slam poet, Patrick "Slamrock" O'Brien.

Give it up for Patrick.

Thank you, Miss Tarcher.

Slamrock represents

Chaad and Meegan.

We all freaking.

School ain't been the same since you've been sleeping

with the fishes.

Damn, if I had one wishes,

be for you to come back

and to never do the dishes

Thank you, Slamrock,

for that moving poem.

Braff.

What's your fail?

Are you not into this make-out sess?

It's not that, Macauley,

it's just you mean so much to me.

And that's something I've been wanting to tell you.

Something I just--

I knew ever since the first time I saw you.

Oh, my God.

Man, I've--I've never said this out loud before,

but I know I can tell you.

I'm going to pretend to be gay.

You're what?

Look, the gay clique

is the most powerful crew at my new school.

Look, if I can fit in with them,

I'll be high school royalty.

Look it's a chance to totally reinvent myself.

But what about us?

Look, I promise, I promise

once I'm King Gay, I'll send for you,

and you can take your rightful place

by my side as my straight best-friend.

I don't know.

I'm doing this for both of us.

I'm so glad I told you.

Thanks for offering to drive Evanessa to school, Beatrix

No probs.

God, I can't believe it's been two years

since you and Mr. C got married.

Oh, that was Donna. I'm the new wife.

Oh, my God, what happened?

She turned 35.

Honey, your friend Beatrix is here.

Hey, sleepyhead.

Missed you so hard all summer. You miss me?

Well, okay.

Are you still mad at me for saying

your eyebrows are too thin?

Well, they were, okay?

You can stop giving me the silent treatment now.

What the gup is your problem?

Will you get up and talk to me?

OMG.

What happened to Evanessa?

She's in a coma.

How?

Well, she went to a Childish Gambino concert

and something about the beats and her brainwaves--

I don't know what happened, but it's a 1/1000 chance.

No way.

That is so awesome!

No wonder you're super skinny, I'm so jelly.

God, with this waistline

and your new super-aloof attitude

you're gonna be more popular than ever.

Well, come on.

We're gonna be late for school.

Bitch.

Enjoying the view, darling?

Will you take a look at this, babe?

They cook, they clean, they're Swedish.

Who could ask for a better couple of kids?

We done good.

You know, darling, we didn't raise Jorgen and Krill.

No, but we did buy them online,

and I for one believe in consumer pride.

You know, sometimes, I miss our long-lost children,

Meegan and Chaad.

But then, I get a bite

of one of Jorgen's crullers, and wow...

I can't think of anything else,

except, "Give me another bite of that cruller."

Yeah.

Mom...

Dad...

we're alive.

I need the car,

some wet wipes, and an AmEx.

Jeez, Dad.

I thought you and Mom would be psyched we were alive.

Honey, it's not that we aren't happy.

You replaced us with these Ikea-Stepford kids.

It's been three months.

We had to emotionally move on.

And besides, all the major content aggregates

said you were dead.

Even BuzzFeed confirmed it?

BuzzFeed wrote the listicle.

We were lost, but now we're back.

You can't just throw us away.

We can't throw Jorgen and Krill out either.

They're family. So are we.

If you two need a place to crash

so you can get back up on your feet,

you can stay in the pool house annex.

The pool house?

The pool house annex.

And just until I make that my hot yoga man-cave,

then you're on your own.

Welcome back, though. Yeah.

Hey.

male voice: The Gay Mafia.

Mafia.

Dude, hey, quick, beat me up.

No way, man. I save my fists for nerds.

G--Gay Mafia--Mafia.

Hey, I'm a nerd. I'm a nerd!

You look pretty cool.

I'll give you 50 bucks.

What is this, public school?

G--Gay--

2,000.

Okay.

No, don't hurt me just because of my sexual orientation!

Whoa, dude, you're gay?

I'm so sorry. Deal is off.

I don't mess with your crew. Hey, guys, good to see you.

Whoa.

Bed hottie.

Wow. I was right.

Everyone thinks you're the shizz.

It's so great.

Yo, babe!

Mack.

Baby, I've missed you so much.

Me too, baby, I was thinking we--

Whoa. Evanessa, is that you?

Dang, girl, you're looking gupping amazing.

So thin.

Hello.

Haven't seen you in three months over here.

Right, babe, I'm sorry.

Look, I got to go hit class.

Why don't we hook up after school,

and, uh, why don't you bring Evanessa?

If that's cool with you.

Look, Evanessa,

I realize you've re-imagined yourself, or whatever,

but Mack is my man.

So keep off.

Wheel yourself to class.

Look good, E.

So, guys, I've been thinking

since Meegan and Chaad are gone,

it's up to me to throw the first party of the year.

It's gonna be tonight and you all are invited.

Sweet. Wait, tonight?

I have Gregor v Mann tomorrow, I'm gonna be up all night

preparing my closing arguments.

Parker, you need to quit that job.

It's literally ruining your life.

Being a high powered lawyer is going to look really good

on college applications.

Is she serious? Oh, God!

Hello, everyone.

We're back.

Hey.

Don't be such a chatterbox, Chaad.

Now, I know our disappearance probably confused a lot of you,

but we're alive so life can go back to normal, everybody.

Listen, Meegs,

I mean, we're all super sad that you were

left for dead, or whatever,

but when you were gone, time marched on.

Everything's super different now.

It's only been three months.

Three months is like the equivalent to five years

in high school months.

Well, we're back.

And tonight we're hosting our annual Back to School party.

Too late.

I'm throwing it and everyone's going.

Right, guys? all: Yeah.

Sorry, Meegs. Sorry, Chaad.

Let's go, everyone.

Super awkward.