Leatherheads

[Original Dixieland Jazz Band's "Tiger Rag" plays]

Carter, one more year and you graduate. What's waiting for you?

Don't know, Nate. Get a job, make a couple bucks,

maybe even buy your paper.

- Will you miss football? - Heck, yeah, I'll miss it,

- but what are you gonna do? - Beats me.

- Nothing much you can do. - You could always go pro.

- -

[Original Dixieland Jazz Band's "Tiger Rag" plays]

You know, Stump, there are several time-tested methods

for diverting the defense from the ball carrier.

Throwing your body in front of them with a certain amount of force.

- What, you mean blocking? - Sounds kind of rough.

- You know, that could hurt, Dodge. - Yes, it could.

Frank? You got to get me a blocker.

I've been thinking the same thinking, Dodge,

and I'm looking at this high school kid over at Penrose.

- High school? - Yeah, but he's mature for his age.

Like Bug over there?

- Fifty-seven, 11. -

No, forget the water bucket, Bug. Go and get that ball!

It's the only ball we got.

Get rid of it.

- We're down to the third? - Yeah.

We will go. Let's give them the Rin Tin Tin.

- Fifteen, 27... -

- -

Yeah!

Okay, Coach, we need another ball.

Well, ask them other fellas, why don't you? That's the only ball we have.

Well, then, you better find one, and fast, or you're gonna have to forfeit.

Forfeit?

- We're creaming these mutts. - The home team provides the game ball.

You don't have another ball, you forfeit the game. That's the rules.

- Where's that written? - It ain't written. It's just the rules.

- Well, I never heard of it. - Maybe you're going deaf, old man.

- -

Dear, there must be better ways to promote the starch business.

- Tough loss there, Dodge. -

Hate to end a home stand like that on a technicality.

- You ever heard of that rule? - Me? No, I never heard of any rules.

My point exactly. Goddamn rules are ruining the game.

Goddamn rules.

Bug, when you're done with the water,

- grab my shaving kit from my suitcase. - Grab your own shaving kit!

For Christ's sake, Frank, how much can a football cost?

You think footballs are grown out of thin air?

So you get a few simoleons from the Starch King.

Hey, Dodge, do I feel hot to you?

- No more than the next man. - Fever runs in my family, you know.

Everything runs in your family, Ralph, except your feet.

Look what you made me. I have to start again.

- - Hey, it's no big joke.

You'll make us miss the train to Milwaukee.

- Milwaukee? What about Akron? - Akron team folded day before yesterday.

- We gonna play Milwaukee instead. - I can't go to Milwaukee.

- I got a wrestling match tonight. - So get out of it.

- It pays a hundred bucks. - We'll see you when you get back.

- That's okay. I got this kid coming. - The high school kid from Penrose?

Yeah. He can only practice after class, but wait till you see him.

When's he coming?

He's gonna meet us at the Waterford station when the train stops.

- Hey, I got an extra fin coming my way. - You lost that last game.

I did not. Dodge, didn't I have this tooth today when we started the game?

Curly, I learnt long ago never to stare directly into your face.

Show me the lost tooth, I'll give you the five.

If I had it, it wouldn't be lost.

- Ready, Suds? - Yes. Yeah, shoot.

The Duluth Bulldogs lost to the Toledo Bullets today

in a dirty game of professional league football,

- Who? - Where a new and dangerous element

has been creeping in, rules.

- Goddamn rules. - The lone moment of glory came...

- Say, Joe. - Nice hat, Lexie.

Thanks, I just bought it.

Listen, can you get me in a room with Hank Kelly at the comptroller's desk?

- He won't talk to reporters in fancy hats. - Hey, Lexie. You going hunting?

It's a very expensive hat.

- Your whole year's salary. - Harvey wants to see you in his office.

I'd take that mack off before you go in there.

- You would, would you? - He might think there's an air raid.

Good, boys, complete sentences. Next week, let's try paragraphs.

- Say Pete, see about Hank Kelly, will you? - He doesn't talk to reporters.

- Say, Harvey. - Nice piñata.

- Don't you start. - Pull up a chair.

Best seat in the house. Who are you, Sarge?

- Mack Steiner. Lieutenant. - Oh.

Lexie, I got one for you.

You ever hear of Carter Rutherford, "the Bullet"?

Football boy? War hero football boy?

Oh. Good-looking war hero football boy.

Took time out of college to fight the war.

Got a whole platoon of Jerries to surrender.

Just dropped their guns and gave up from the sound of his voice.

You ought to hire him.

- Get rid of this pack of geniuses. - We're gonna do a story on him.

- What's your angle? - It ain't true.

It's all a crock.

The kid's doing radio shows and advertisements.

He's hired a promoter

named CC Frazier to put himself on the cover of every magazine.

- Oh, I like those razors. - Sure. Who doesn't?

- So what's the story, Mack? - I served with him.

I was there in the Argonne. He ain't no hero.

You're gonna meet with Carter and CC. He's gonna be in town next month.

And you're gonna do a story on the virtues of the Bullet.

The many virtues!

And then we're gonna break the myth of the War Hero Bullet.

Listen, you got fellas who'd be perfect for this.

Three Knickerbockers out there, for instance,

who'd trade their high school diplomas for a crack at it.

- It's not my kind of story. - Lexie.

CC Frazier wants the Chicago Tribune to do a story on his protégé.

We're gonna oblige him, and you're gonna do it.

Can I talk to you alone for a minute?

- Captain, would you excuse us? - It's Lieutenant.

I'll wait in the hall.

Thanks, Lieutenant.

Why me?

Because it's a big story and you're the best.

Thought you'd say it's because I have the best legs in the office.

No, Joe does.

Okay, Harvey, I'll make you a deal.

If I throw some facts together about this Bombshell...

- Bullet. - Bullet.

- And we chop down his apple tree... - You get the assistant editor's desk.

Okay, Chief.

You get Mack's story, and I'll get you your Bullet.

"The lone moment of glory came in the fourth quarter,

when Jimmy 'Dodge' Connelly lateraled to Bakes Davis,

who ran through a trio of open-field tackles

and into the Duluth end zone.

And whereas the hotly disputed contest will go down in the books

as a Toledo victory, the hearts and minds of all who witnessed

the classic gridiron confrontation were clearly won by the Duluth Bulldogs."

- Awfully good, Suds. - Sure is a great thing to read, Suds.

When the muse strikes, who am I to resist?

It's almost like you were playing the game yourself.

What I try to achieve in my prose is a sense of flight.

Now that's a crowd, ain't it, Dodge?

Sure is. We didn't have crowds like that when I was in school.

- You went to college? - Colleges.

- - Waterford! Waterford next!

- Waterford next. -

- Waterford. -

Is that Big Gus Schiller? How you doing, boy?

- Hey, how you doing? - Here, get in this car.

Boys, I want you to be meeting our newest player.

This is Big Gus Schiller from Penrose High School.

Hi. How you doing? How's it going?

- So you're in high school, are you? - Yeah.

- Got held back, did you? - No.

Mm.

Hey, kid, what position did you play in high school?

Kicker.

- Kicker? - What the hell?

Coach thought it'd be the best position for me.

- Who's your coach? - Math teacher.

Huddle up.

Hooked it.

Seventeen, 32, 44, hike!

- God! Right in the... -

Gus, look.

You stand over here, next to him, and you hit anybody that comes near him.

Anybody that comes near him!

Forty-one, 33, 37, hike!

- - Oh, I like him.

- - Dodge, I need to have a speech with you.

What do you mean folded? Milwaukee can't fold. They're...

They're broke, is what. Like Akron. No money, no team.

We're broke too.

- We're broke now? Our season just started. - Look, we're broke, I'm telling you.

If you got no money to pay salaries, no money to buy train tickets,

no money to rent a field, then you're broke.

It's over, Dodge. It's time to pack it up and go home.

The Starch King is gonna sell us 51 percent of the team as soon as he can.

- What's gonna happen to these guys? - I don't know.

And I thought the Milwaukee game would turn it around,

what with Big Gus coming on board for us.

Milwaukee got Joe Washburn playing good, but...

Now there's no Milwaukee game.

It's finished.

Half these guys will probably end up back in the mines.

This isn't exactly the cream of America's work force.

- They don't have a lot of options. -

Shit!

I'll read you what he had to say.