New Girl

Ugh! Can you believe this guy?

Pete is over an hour late for our brunch date.

- Pete? Who's Pete? - Oh, it's this dude who goes to my gym.

Thought Jess could use a man with a little muscle

for a change, so I set 'em up.

Not gonna marry him, but I'm having fun.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Orange. Hang on a second, Orange.

I'm gonna send a sext to Pete, which I did.

My first one ever. Want to see? It's super hot.

I don't want to, uh...

Okay, that's just a picture of you

in a bra over a T-shirt

Holding a sign that says "Property of Pete."

- Not a sext. - I'm wearing a bra!

- No, that's like a glorified selfie. - You can see the bra.

- Nope. - I bet he saw this,

and he was like,

"Oh, delicious."

You want him to say that?

I have to agree,

because the true nature

of eroticism is what is not shown.

I never get sexts.

What are you taking?

Just some, uh... motion sickness pill.

It's a mild sedative.

My mom just landed.

That's unrelated.

Oh, my God, your mom's here?!

I'm so excited to meet her.

You probably won't; She's busy.

But maybe, hopefully, I doubt it.

I can't believe I've never met her.

You know, we get together and we laugh and...

she tells me all the ways that

I could be better at things, and then I do them,

but not right.

Oh, it's fun.

We have, we have fun.

You know, I wish I had fun with my partner.

Wow, every time I ask Aly to hang out,

- she's always like, "Nah." - Hey, Schmidty, vamos.

I want to show you a surprise investment opportunity.

Surprise, Nick? I'm telling you right now,

if it is a boat, I'm gonna be so psyched!

I literally just got new boat shoes.

Standing here like a damn jabroni.

He hasn't even answered any of my texts.

- He hasn't? - You don't think he's...

He is blowing you off!

- He best not be! - Hell no!

- You guys are getting riled up, huh? - We are gonna march right over there,

and we all right gonna find out what's happening!

Let's go.

Turns out that Pete had a very good excuse

for not showing up.

He died.

What?

S04E19 The Right Thing

A motorcycle accident? I didn't even know Pete rode one.

He didn't. Apparently, he was thinking about getting one,

and he slipped and fell on the showroom floor.

Buffed floors...

beautiful, but at what cost?

The first guy I sext dies.

I should go to the memorial, right?

Jess, don't make this about yourself, all right?

You went on two dates with the guy.

I was one of the last people to text him.

- On Earth. - Look, you didn't even

have sex with him, okay? You're fine.

So if I'd slept with him, I'd go.

- Or if you'd gone skiing together. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

- What are these rules? - Just don't go.

'Cause if you go, then I'm gonna feel weird

about not going, and I ain't going.

Yeah, just come and have a mani-pedi with me.

I'm going; It's the right thing to do.

Oh, so if I don't go, I'm a bad person now?

- Cece. - Mm-hmm.

I'm surprised. I thought you, of all people,

would want to accompany your best friend

to the funeral of a guy she texted, but...

I guess... not.

What do you mean?

What is ta-da? We drove here together

and parked before you covered my eyes.

What is the surprise investment, Nick?

The bar.

Mike's selling us ten percent.

I really need the cash.

I got swindled by a young gay roller skater.

A rink twink.

I know what a rink twink is, Mike.

Hey, 20 thou

and we are part owners, okay?

I've done my research.

There's a consistent revenue and no startup costs.

You're really serious about this, huh?

I really want this, man.

- Good. I want this, too. - Good.

Where are we gonna get 20 grand from?

Well, we got the ten grand we made on the Swuit.

Maybe do we have any rich friends we can borrow money from?

Well, let's think about it. There's the middle school

vice principal, there's the cop, the gym teacher.

Let's not forget about the community college student.

- Whew, lot of options. - Yeah.

It's tough, it's frustrating.

Yeah, huh... damn it.

Schimdty just had an idea. I know that face.

Give it to me, give it to me.

What are you thinking, big cat?

What are you thinking, big cat?

I just...

Think, now, if we own it, don't be kicking it.

- Just... Yeah. - Oh.

Aah!

Ouch.

Okay.

Hey, pal, uh, what's happening?

My mom still owes me my bar miztvah money.

I mean, we can ask her, but, you know, she's...

- Pushy, overbearing, controlling. - So, what?

Oh, she's a typical Jewish mom?

It's anti-Semitic when you say it like that.

So-so what, she likes to get involved?

That's great, you know.

I don't feel very comfortable when I'm around her.

Well, boo-hoo, she thinks you want to have sex with her.

Try learning about the birds and the bees from her

using a doughnut and a banana. By the way,

neither one of which are used for what you think they are.

How could that be?

Hey, want to grab a bite later?

You know it, partner.

Hey, Aly,

uh, want to grab a beer after work?

Ooh...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba.

Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya.

Ooh.

Uh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

No.

- Oh, come on. - Not work related,

not interested, Bishop.

We're professionals, not friends.

Oh God, here we go. Showtime.

- Mama! - No!

I was meeting my little boy, not this handsome movie star.

What are you doing with these?

Why would you hide your hazels?

Hi, sweetheart.

Oh!

Hey, Louise, it's really good to see you.

I bet it is; Tape it down, Miller.

- Tape it? - Here, look at your baby brother.

How handsome is Reggie?

Give him a kiss.

Kiss your brother. Give him a kiss.

Give him a kiss; He loves it. Kiss him, kiss him.

Okay, give him a scratch. He loves a scratch.

He loves a scratch.

Can I get an alcohol?

So, how's Susan?

Susan's my-my mom's work friend who she lives with.

Susan cuts her own firewood.

Susan's my girlfriend.

That's what I said, your work friend.

She's good. We just got a new mattress.

So work's been more comfortable.

What?

What-what now?

Is it my sweater? Is it too dark?

It might be. Here.

You got, you got me a sweater?

Mm-hmm. Now that's nice.

That's nice. Try it on.

I'm trying, I'm put-putting it on right now.

It goes over your head.

He's putting a sweater on a sweater?

- Get over it. - Get over it.

That's nice, very nice.

Thank you so much. I love this so much.

Schmidt, isn't there something

you want to ask your mother about?

Well,

I did... I did want to ask you about...

Your voice is wavering.

Here, have some chocolate.

- No, Mom, I'm okay. Thank you. - Have it.

Here, have it, have it, have it.

- I'll just have one. - Have it, have it.

Have it, have it.

- There you go. - I do love it. Hmm!

So, I... What I was thinking about was...

uh...