Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

A good harvest this year.

Our fields have flourished.

- Ah, greetings. - Hello.

Bathsheba! Bathsheba!

You're not getting any dinner if you don't move right now.

Move! Move!

Instead of all that vinegar, why don't you try a little honey?

And if you don't have any honey, well, a carrot usually does the trick.

Works every time, my friend.

Take them to Elysia. Except that one.

No! No, please don't kill me.

Only if you obey my commands.

Now, find Hercules. Tell him that Darphus rides again.

If he doesn't believe you, say you saw this.

The scar that the traitorous bitch Xena left me with.

What are you waiting for? Go.

It'll be the first celebrity biography in history and it'll be about you - Hercules.

- Come on. The public's begging for it. - Sorry. I don't think I'm a celebrity.

Trust me. We'll get rich.

"We"?

Of course. Salmoneus has to write. All you have to do is take risks.

I'll make you the same 60-40 deal when I write your bio.

So. 60-40. Sound good?

- Hercules! - Excuse me. We're conducting business.

- You gotta go to Elysia. - What's wrong?

Invaders. Led by a warrior called Darphus.

Darphus?

- Can't be. He's dead. - By your hand, if you're Xena.

- He showed me his scar. - What scar?

A gaping hole right in the middle of his chest! He should've been dead!

Only the gods have the power to bring Darphus back. I can bet which one it is.

That means nothing to me. I'm still going to Elysia to stop Darphus.

- I won't fail this time. - No. We're going to stop him.

And I'm gonna come watch - for strictly literary reasons. You gonna join us?

Absolutely not. You don't know what you're up against.

Hey! No problem.

Huh!

Is there?

It's Darphus! He's back!

Darphus returns! Another victory!

Lock the others up. Take that one to the temple.

- Why? - I want you to get religion.

You know nothing of religion! You're going to sacrifice me!

Don't jump to conclusions.

- Throw him in. - Oh!

Oh, please! Oh! No!

Enjoy yourself!

- Get in there! - ( Groans )

Come and get it, Hercules.

This is the story of a time long ago.

A time of myth and legend,

when the ancient gods were petty and cruel,

and they plagued mankind with suffering.

Only one man dared to challenge their power-Hercules.

Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen,

a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.

He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of wicked stepmother, Hera,

the all-powerful queen of the gods.

But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer,

there would be Hercules.

Hey! Wait for me! Wait. Oh! This ground's a little tricky.

Hold on. Hold on.

Well... doesn't really have an outdoorsy motif, but it'll do.

I was afraid these had got broken.

- Can I ask you some questions? - At your service.

- One: do you think we're on a picnic? - A picnic?

No. But one shouldn't deny oneself creature comforts just cos you're...

Two: what do you think you're goona put on those plates?

Roast quail?

If you want quail, you'll have to catch it yourself.

- Fine. I'll do it. You will?

My family are quail catchers. But somebody else will have to cook it.

Great hunters don't cook.

Don't look at me.

- Fine. I'll do the cooking. - I guess that leaves the scouting to me.

No, wait. I think I should do the scouting.

Oh, no. You're cooking.

Cooking.

Oh, you made a big mistake, buster! I happen to be Hercules' best friend!

- If you don't get... What's so funny? - ( Laughs )

You.

I'm a lot funnier if you stop using my back as a couch!

- Get off me or I'm gonna call Hercules! - Oh, like you actually know him?

Know him? I happen to be his official biographer!

Well, I don't think of Hercules as the kind of hero who wants to sound his own horn.

I think I know him a little better than you. In fact, he's right back there.

If you get off me, I'll take you to him!

Sure. Why not?

When you meet him, don't say "You're Hercules?" like it's a big surprise.

cos he's not much different than other men. He's bigger, with more muscles.

But otherwise he's about the same. All right? You'll see.

Now, there he is.

- You're Hercules? - You said that! I told you not to!

Yes, I am.

And you are?

They call me...

Iolaus.

- You're Iolaus. - Yeah.

- Last time I checked. - That's good enough for me.

- I don't believe this! - Iolaus is my best friend.

- You never mentioned him to me! - Holdin' out on your official biographer?

It's a long story.

- What brings you to these parts? - Xena. She's on the loose again.

Xena? No, actually, she...

Don't you have quail to catch?

It's not Xena we have to worry about. Our problem is with a warrior named Darphus.

He's slaughtering everyone in sight for the greater good of Ares.

Why don't we get 'em both?

- It's good to be with you again, Hercules. - Yeah. It is, isn't it?

Um...

I hear tummies rumbling. I better catch some Xena... uh, quail.

Who is that guy?

My... biographer.

Oh.

Tear down that house!

Look at this bracelet. That'll be worth a few dinars.

Vultures. - There's a necklace too!

Nothing under here!

It's Xena!

Tell Darphus I'm coming for him!

Your message pleases me so much... that I may spare your life, Quintas.

- Why would you think of killing me? - You abandoned your comrades.

I had no choice. You needed to know Xena was near.

Yes. Probably Hercules as well.

But there is still the matter of loyalty.

I was always loyal to you. You know that.

All I know is that you ran once in battle. You could run again.

- Feed him to Graegus. - Yeah!

No! You can't do this!

You know, Salmoneus, to look at you, you'd never think you were a quail hunter.

Life's full of surprises. Isn't it?

Yeah. It is.

- There's something I have to tell you. - Oh, no.

We gotta play "rock, parchment, dagger" for the last quail.

Uh, no. It's, um...

It's about...

- It's about... - What?

It's about Xena.

- What about her? - Well...

Hello, Iolaus.

- Wait. Hold on. Hold on. - What's she doing here?

- We're on the same side. - Look, Darphus knows we're coming.

I ran into his warriors, but one of them got away.

Are you crazy? She tried to kill us!

- You don't understand... - I understand all right.

You're falling into the same trap I fell into.

And I will burn in Hades before I stick around here to see you do it.

Iolaus, would you...

Great.

Iolaus, wait!

Would you wait?

- Just let me get outta here. - Not until I tell you how Xena's changed.

You're talking about a woman who wanted to make history by killing you!

That part of her life is over!

Is that what she told you when you were rolling around in bed?

I do not roll around in bed with her! Now, would you just hear me out?

Darphus was Xena's chief lieutenant. She wouldn't let him kill women and children.

She saved a baby. For that, he tried to kill her.

- So you took pity on her, huh? - Xena doesn't accept pity.

She's a warrior in the truest sense. That's why she's going after Darphus again.

I'm going too. And I want you with us.

I can't change your mind, can I?

No. It's the right thing to do.

OK. Count me in.

But let me tell you something, Hercules. Both of us better watch our backs.

To get a message to Iolaus you need a carrier pigeon. It's not me, is it?

It can't be you. All I smell on you is hyacinth and cinnamon.

Are you a biographer or a bad comedian?

Or have you got another get-rich-quick scheme?

- How about love slave? I'm versatile. - You're deluded.

Hold on.

Is something wrong?

Let's wait for Iolaus to catch up.

Well, I didn't tell him to stay back there.

What's the problem?

This canyon looks like a perfect place for an ambush.

So let's stay close together and... keep quiet.

Why'd you look at me? I can keep quiet. I know discretion's the better part of valour.

Hey. Shush.

Look out! Get down! Get down!

Aaargh!

Can you go any faster?

What's the matter? Aren't you enjoying yourself?

Well... my back hurts a little bit.

Iolaus, your head is bleeding. - Yeah.

Salmoneus, you comin' along?

- Salmoneus... give them a hand. It'll take your mind off things.

Salmoneus!

Drink deeply.

Drink well.

Hercules is dead!

Do you hear that? Soon he'll be too big to stop.

And we will join with him to fulfil the mighty Ares' destiny.

The god of war will rule the world!

- To Ares! - To Ares!

- This... isn't getting any lighter. - We're almost through.

Hang on, Salmoneus. How much longer?

- We're there! - Get out of here!

- What about you? - Just go!

OK.